What follows is a transcript from Dyann's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/DemcP-5GeDM
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So my name is Diane Jackson. My father was in the military, so I’ve traveled across the world. I’ve been in Europe, all across Canada, and throughout the United States.
Pronouns: I struggle with that one. I mean my name and my visual appearance is very feminine so I identify with the feminine. I’m not going to go upon somebody and force them to use a certain set of pronouns. I want them to be comfortable to be to work with me and be happy with working with me, so I think the idea of a social acceptance is what works best for me as opposed to going in and saying, you know, that you have to call me ze, or you have to call me zur, or whatever the case may be. I think my presentation is fairly self evident.
When I truly came to the point of recognizing who I am, I was in a very small town in New Brunswick the base was CFB Chatham, the town is now known as Miramichi, and I saw the way the community at large was dealing with people who came out as homosexual. And I was petrified of that. I was scared of that. So I was very low-key. I was very quiet. I didn't draw any attention to myself. I was the person that people could forget was in the room, and it was intentionally so.
When we moved to Toronto, which was the next base my father moved to, I felt a little bit more confident because I wasn't staying on the base itself. I was associating more with people off the base, and you start to see a lot more liberated people. More the LGBT community, although back in the early 90s I wouldn't say LGBT. I don't think we used that term back then, but a lot more lesbians a lot more gays. And the terminology they did use back then was probably a bit more crude, but, for lack of better words, the "Trannies", and it gave me a little bit more confidence to at least explore who I was at least give it a shot. But again in that time frame we were a very conservative society. We weren't ready to embrace people like that. So a little bit of exploration. I was still a little bit quite conservative, not ready to move on. But probably the first time I actually went out outside my home cross-dressed, was with my second partner, Karen. And you know, we went down to the value village and got a whole bunch of things that we thought would work, and you know, they were reasonably flattering and not too overly "overt" shall we say and that started me down the path.
In the early stages it was very traumatic. It was very hard. I knew what I was feeling at the core. I knew what I was feeling about myself. So that would probably be entering puberty at the time. I just felt a disconnect with myself and my body and my anatomy. But I was slowly exploring, you know, male attire, female attire, trying to figure out what worked best for me.
Then I saw an episode, I think it was a Maury Povich. I saw an episode of that. And they were talking about what was... the terms they used in the 80s was transvestite and transsexual, and I watched an episode of that, and I thought, well, okay. I identify with some of those things, I get some of those features. But then I saw the way the audience was reacting to these people and that was kind of like, well I don't know if I really want to make that public that I identify that way. It was also hard and traumatic because I’m typically a very conservative person. I mean the only thing that really is flamboyant about me is my hair (and there's a little bit of psychology behind that when the hair gives that kind of a shape so it looks like there's a feminine jawline) whereas everything about me is very conservative. I wear black cardigans, I wear beige clothing. If you met me in public you probably would just overlook me because I just look so passive and conservative. Because that's my nature. And I saw these people acting flamboyant. It was very off-putting. To me those people always appear to be the ones that are looking to draw attention to themselves. So that part of the discovery was hard. That was difficult.
When I got to the point where I was like, you know, this is really starting to affect my life, it's starting to affect my relationships, it's started to affect my careers. Well, I was very at the time, I don't know if I’d say career, let's say just jobs. I went to my doctor and asked to see a psychologist and I explained my situation and my psychologist went nope you need to go over to the Clark Institute. So I went to the Clark Institute and went through, oh my gosh, it must been a barrage of tests over like a four day period. I was in and out of that place while they were doing all that. That part was kind of comforting because what I was going through, I wasn't unique in it. There was other people that were going through that. So I felt a little bit of comfort. But what I did find was like a proverbial punch in the butt -- gut.
When I came home and I talked to my mother about it my mother was very opposed to the situation which was perplexing to me. Just a side note, my mother has always been the passive person in the relationship and my father has always been... well he's military right? So you see your father as a stoic type of person. And my mother looked me in the eye and said I don't want any fucking part of this. I don't want to do any of this. I don't want it. And that kind of ended the relationship for about 10 years. I just stopped talking to my parents. That was that was devastating. That was heartbreaking.
And I could see person people who didn't have as much strength as me being very traumatized if not suicidal by such a comment. To me it was just a comment of okay let's double down. I’m gonna move forward with my life whether you like it or not.
My second partner when I first met her, I was head over heels for her when we first met, and I told her openly, this is who I am, this is what I want to do, this is what I want to go; the path I want to pursue. And she's like okay, I can handle that we can move forward. And ironically she found out about the surgeries being relisted in Ontario before I did. And she's like, did you hear about this? Did you? And I was like, no I didn't. Are you serious? Like the government's really paying for the surgery again? So I did the process all over again went back to my family physician who sent me to the psychologist. They already had a file on me so they sent me to what was now known as CAMH, and CAMH pulled out all the files and dusted off all the cobwebs on them and they're like okay, well, you've already gone through all this part of it. We already said that you were a candidate for this. So we want you to do two years of lived experience and we want to make sure you're on hormones for that period of time as well. And I was blessed because I was able to you now go underneath her wing, so when we were going out I was by her side and she helped me build up my confidence to be more public. And that was to me that was important because before I met Karen I was a bus driver, so I’m in the public eye all the time. And then I was scared to be in the public eye, as a woman. And then when I met Karen, was kind of like, no let's build up your confidence. Let's do this. Everything works out fine. And I went back into being a bus driver.
And as a driver I’ve been all the way up to Winnipeg all the way down to Florida. I’ve been to Quebec more times than I can count, and you know, New Brunswick, PEI, Nova Scotia. You're very much in the public eye when you're a bus driver. Everybody wants to talk to the bus driver. That was 2012 and this is 2021 so obviously things are working out.
I definitely would say that in the very beginning, definitely family was a little bit of a challenge. My mother not being totally accepting, my younger brother being very frustrated was, about this, he couldn't understand why I wanted to do this.
Other challenges, again, I think it's part and parcel of the journey you know when you are accepted as a woman completely and wholly and unconditionally, then you start receiving the prejudices that come along with being a woman.
But there's a lot of psychological challenges too, like, I know I’m getting acceptance from what I would call the cisgender community. And that's to be anticipated. There will be some challenges that come along with that. But then I get a lot of pushback from the GLBT community as well. Like in my early stages, I walked into a meeting, it was supposed to be a support group, and you know, when I walked in the meeting and everybody's all eyes on me, and I sit down, and they're kind of like, okay, let's start the meeting. And I’m looking at them, I’m going, I’m not the talk, I’m not the presenter here. I’m here just like you guys. And the jaw dropping by about, I think it was like 12 of us inside this room, was like, really? Are you serious?
On my day of surgery I walked into the... we were all sitting down there, six of us. We were sitting down having dinner. And this one here, yeah I’m here for my gender reassignment surgery. And another lady over here, oh I’m here for this dude. And they went around the table and then it came back to me and they're like, so what are you doing? You're getting your breasts done or some of that. I said no, I’m here for gender reassignment surgery as well. And again, everybody just jaw dropped. So that can be a challenge because people think you know more or you are more than what you really are.
And I find myself going whoa, let's rein in, let's slow this down a little bit. Let's try and be a little bit more slow on this, because I’m on the same boat, in the same path as you guys. You know, I’m not doing anything more special. Maybe I have some innate gifts given to me, but I’m not, my path is not much different than anybody else's. So that's, to me that's a challenge. That's an issue that comes up a lot.
I think all of us struggle with, even when we've started our transition, you know, are we feminine enough, are we masculine enough? Or whatever the case may be. And I was blown away how quickly the community at large, as in society at large, was ready to accept me as a woman. I was not expecting that. And that has been a double-edged sword for me. On the one hand I’m being really accepted. I’m, you know, I’m making progress, I’m doing a job. But because... I have one employer who didn't know, didn't ask, and just saw me as a woman. But that worked against me in my job because, you know, discrimination against women. Oh you can't drive a bus. You can't drive a truck. You can't do any of those things, and then, you know, like, then you show it to them and they're kind of like, well I don't understand. I’m confused by that. And so little things like that. And to me... so you have the double-edged sword on that perspective of things, and then you have the double-edged sword on the other perspectives like, oh my god, I passed so well that you can't think... you don't see it's possible or it's not even in your mindset that this person was a male. But then you get all the other stuff that comes along with that, you know, that women can't do this, and women can't do that. And you know, it's yeah. I don't... It's hard to say. Some things are better and some things are worse. But it's part and parcel of the journey right?
It's very fascinating because I would say since 2015, when I tell people I’m trans now, they're kind of like, oh, I wouldn't have known that. Oh well, okay. And then the conversation moves forward.
The last the last five years there's been a big shift. Like even my last employer, the one I just applied to, I said listen, you've asked for my school records and I need to give you advanced notice that my school records say David. They don't say Diane. And she's like, oh, okay, well, that makes you the third trans person at our facility and it makes you the, you know, we have three lesbians and four gay people and we're only a small team of about 60 employees. So you know, carry on.
So like, and I guess partly because Ontario Northland is a government agency; it's a crown corporation. So I think they're already on board with stuff like that. But I’ve had the other way around, where I felt like I was being punished for it.
I worked for a bus company called Batter and you know there was a big hoop law that happened on the bus and I had to divulge my gender identity because of the situation. And my manager openly like, I’m stunned even repeating this, I’m stunned that this actually happened, but she's like well you know you're just gonna have to deal with the male chauvinism just like the rest of the women in here. And it's kind of like, this is 2014. You're really saying that you're really behaving that way?
I’m happier. I’m smiling. I’m interacting with the community and the community is interacting with me the way that resonates with me. My soul is just happy all the time, you know, instead of being judged on a level over here, I’m being judged on the level over here.
When you're in a work environment and someone looks at you and they say well, you know, if you can't handle it, you know, your two choices; you either man up or quit . You know, that's the only two ways of moving forward. Now in an employment situation people are so much less likely to say things like that. I’m getting a lot of, well how do I help you? How do we move forward with this? What works best for you? And that's what I was looking for before and now it just flows. It just happens in our society. And it's just I love it. It blows me away. You know, to degrade somebody because they don't have the skills and you're not willing to teach them, why don't you just say you don't want to teach that? Why do you degrade me as an individual?
The other thing that I find is exciting is that my friendships and relationships, they don't feel superficial anymore. They don't feel kind of just surface. I get to know people and people are very... people are very supportive and polite and respectful. And people are turning to me and I love it. It's just, it has been so much better since not only just coming out, but having the surgeries and you know being accepted as the true person that I feel I am.
I love meeting people I enjoy interacting with people. I just have fun, and it makes life so much more enjoyable. And you know, the job I just had as an instructor, I’m teaching people... Keep it in context, these are people who are coming to me who have worked at Tim Horton’s or Walmart or you know, some little minimum wage job, and I’m teaching them how to drive a vehicle where their income is going to jump from 20,000 a year to 70 grand a year, you know, that's motivating. That's exciting. And I get to go, I’m the person that did that I help that person get there. I helped them have success, you know?
My new job, I’m going to be going back to driving a bus myself, and the areas that these companies service are usually very small towns. Like sometimes there's only one gas station. Sometimes there's not even a restaurant and they come to these bus stops and they're waiting for someone to take them to Winnipeg, to Ottawa, to Toronto, wherever it may be. And you know, like, again, I am one of 50 drivers that help these people to get to their destination. It could be for medical reasons. It could be because of changing their life. That is exciting to me. I participated in that person's life. Maybe not incredibly directly, but you know.
When I was doing tour bus, I’m picking up people that come to from China or Hong Kong, or you know Korea, Vietnam. I’m bringing them to Canada and I get to be the ambassador for North America. When they come in the winter time, I get to bring them up to Algonquin park and you should see their eyes pop out of their head because you know the red and gold and yellow leaves and you know, as we're coming into Algonquin park you hear the cameras going tick, tick, and by the time we're not even 500 meters into the park the cameras are all ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch, and it's just, I’m the ambassador. I’m the one that gets these people to see that, and it's just awesome.
I get to have these little moments that are incredibly... it's like an adrenaline rush, it's like euphoria, it's like all these things all put into one little package. And I influence all these people. It's the endorphin rush of being the center of attention.
What I’d like to see happen in the future is more about what society can do as a whole as opposed to me as an individual. You know, I see that our we're polluting this environment, I see that we have these huge plastic garbage patches in the ocean. I see that we have the technology and the ability to make ourselves a very sustainable, a very productive society, and I really want our society to reflect on those things and try to act on those things so we can make our lives, our society, our people, live a lot longer. But there's also got to be a balance, and I worry that there is this extreme rhetoric right now. It's a balance act. We've got to find the act. Yes we need to do better with our environment, but not go to extremes. And I think that's typical of our human nature. We see something we jump on it and we want to go to an extreme. I want our society to live in a healthier balanced environment.
I’m going up north to North Bay and I’ve never lived there. I’ve visited a couple of times but this is my first move, major move, as in, you know, more than five hours away from Toronto. I’m doing it on my own. I don't have any supports around me. I don't have any friends up there. This is purely about getting the job up there. So the challenge is, you know, go up there, get the training, keep the job, make friends, meet new people, create a new community, get exposure to a much smaller town (there's only 50 000 people there as opposed to the almost 200 000 in the Kitchener-Waterloo area, as opposed to the 4 million in the Toronto area).
Challenges are probably going to be very much like most people. I feel like life has kind of reached a level of normalcy and now I’m going to be dealing with what everybody else deals with; bills, car payments, insurance, you know, the things that everybody else complains about. Guess what? I got that too!
I don't meet a lot of people who, what I would say have successfully transitioned, and they get frustrated, and they get upset and they get angry, and I would love to pull them under my wing and help them, show them what I’ve done and how to move forward, but they're not, a lot of them are not ready for that. And there are people who are so stuck in certain parts of their life, and they're stuck on the government support systems that they'll never appreciate or see the benefits of having such an income. You know, being able to travel to Mexico or being able to travel to the Dominican. Those people will never ever see that and I’m excited about that. I’ve fallen back on skills that I have, which is, I know how to drive a vehicle, and I do it very well. I don't know anybody in my field that can say that they've driven 22 years without an accident.
I would like to see the trans community get a little bit of help by the average person just by being patient. Just by relaxing, giving them a chance. You know, we all have our, you know, some of us wear glasses, some of us have hearing aids, some of us have other issues, you know. And someone who's trying to find out what their gender identity is; it's not much different really. Like we're all trying to do a self-discovery of some sort. We're all trying to find out how we can best function in society and we just need a society that can be patient. Stop demonizing us. Stop making us look like we're bad. Stop making us look like we're hysterical, crazy, off the wall people. Just give us some room to breathe and be patient with us.
But I think that level of respect has to be coming from both sides, you know? If we are going to sit here and scream at the cisgender community about you know you're not giving us a chance, well we have to give them a chance to grow as individuals to learn how to be patient.
It comes together. It does work itself out. It does make a difference in the end. But having the life experience that I’ve had, I probably would have told myself to push a little bit more. Not aggressively, but to pursue it. Because I really do feel like, had I not chosen to wait, I probably could have started this path a lot sooner. And I think that leads into another kind of ideology, don't put your life on hold. Don't put your life on hold and wait 20 or 30 years, because when you do that and you put yourself on hold, you're hoping that in 20 years or five years that everything is going to be in place. And what I’ve learned is, society changes so quickly. And so that when you put yourself on hold you're just putting your whole body and your mind and your soul on hold. And you don't move forward. You stagnate.
Don't forget about the struggles there have been a lot of things that I’ve gone through that have made me the person, made me the character that I am today. And it would be very easy to become cocky and arrogant and forget about that. It would be very easy to be cocky and arrogant to think that every single trans person had the same experience as me and why can't they do it. Yeah, I could see myself doing that and I need that little - I will need that reminder in a few years from now.
It does get better if you're persistent and you're polite and you're respectful and you treat your community with the same level of decency that you expect for yourself it does get better. It does.
My thoughts actually stem from my historical background. My father is Blackfoot Indian also known as the Siksika Nation. And not all first nations people, but there is a large portion of first nations people that believe in something that's called two-spirited. And I believe that's part of my heritage and part of my soul as well, that you know, I was born with male anatomy, but I have the male and the female spirit within my body. And that allows me to, you know, work with people. I’m able to, you know... people who have masculine spirits and feminine spirits, sometimes they have a hard time communicating with each other and for some reason, when I look at the conversation it's just obvious; okay, this is what you're trying to say, this is how you want to say to this person, vice versa, if this is what you're trying to say, this is what you're trying to... And I’ve met people and it's the weirdest thing that they're a couple and they don't understand each other and yet when I get in the conversation the light bulbs go off, it's like, oh yeah, that's exactly what you're trying to say, that's exactly... so I think that as I said before that comes from my background. It comes from my heritage, and I believe that's part of it. I believe there is such thing as having a combined male and female spirit.
I think we as trans people get so caught up in ourselves we become very selfish. We become very self-centered. And we forget about what gifts we can bring to our society. We need to remember that and we need to participate in that, because I think it's incredibly fascinating that from a spiritual level, I think it's fascinating that at a time that we are seeing the male/female at its most divergent, even though society wants it to be at its most closest, so women's liberation, the feminist movement, stuff like that, yet it's actually causing more of a wedge between the male and the female. It's funny that at the same time that that's happening we are seeing a greater amount of trans people come out.
In the community from a spiritual perspective, from a holistic perspective, I think it's not a coincidence. I think it's a necessity. I think it's time for us to actually get out there and speak, and bring the two sides - bridge the two sides - together. Otherwise we're just... we're gonna watch our society fall apart.
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