What follows is a transcript from Cash's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/r7WsU450a0g
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So, my name is Cash and I am 28 years old from Northern Ontario. I’m currently a student at Algoma University and I’m completing my fourth year Bachelor of Honors in - sorry Bachelor of Arts, Honors in Sociology and Law and Justice combined. After graduation I’m hoping to pursue a master's degree in criminology.
Where I feel stuck is, like feeling like there has to be a binary. Like I have to be - I have to pick a category, kind of in order to be recognized. And that's definitely something I’m still working on because when someone says they/them, I love it, because I’m like yes! Like you've got it! Like no. When they say he/him, like that's fine too. Like I’m fine with either one, but sometimes I’ll be like, you know, I’m going to tell someone, like, I’m a man and it's like, that doesn't feel right either. Like you know,I want to present, I want to do you know, everything that makes me comfortable, masculinity wise kind of presentation wise. But, like, when it comes to, you know, people talking about men or talking about what it means to be kind of CIS men, CIS male, I think there's so much work to be done in that area that, you know, if I can try to help kind of shape that differently I would like to but I also think that what makes me more comfortable is non-binary, you know, claiming that. Claiming non-binary. And being allowed to claim that even though I want to present masculine because I think that's where a lot of people struggle. It's like well I can't be non-binary if I’m more feminine, or more masculine. I think that's kind of what we have to get away from, is the labeling of kind of what you have to do, what you can do, or what you should not do in terms of your gender and being transgender or and what not. I think that's that's where we do a lot of damage.
So when it came to kind of discovering or learning to basically understand my gender I would say I was really young when I knew that, you know, female presentation and description wasn't for me but at the same time I didn't really have the words to express that. Growing up there was never any familiarity, there was never any like awareness essentially of what transgender meant. And definitely not what non-binary meant, so to me it never really made sense. But as I was growing up my mom was very, you know, she had the one daughter so she definitely wanted me to be you know her daughter, her princess. You know because of her occupation, she's in the beauty industry, so she liked me to do my makeup and my hair and you know, have the pretty feminine kind of clothing happening. I was never comfortable with that. I did express it but you know my mom did the best she can with what she knew right? I don't think that she had any kind of understanding or you know familiarity either no exposure to what transgender really meant.
It wasn't until I kind of got into my I would say early 20s that I was really... there was more representation in general, but especially in the media, for transgender individuals. So I know that initially I came out as bisexual. That kind of made sense to me that's kind of still how I would I would say I identify. It's either you know bisexual or queer basically. I find queer be a little bit more all-encompassing. But yeah so from there I had actually, I was watching... I think I was just watching something on MTV. I think it was catfish or something like that and I was introduced to IO Tillett Wright, and he now has come out and identifies as transgender and at the time I believe that his pronouns were they/them. It kind of made sense to me kind of in that moment. I was like oh there's there's someone else out there who identifies kind of in the middle, for lack of a better word. I still didn't know what it meant to be non-binary. At that time I was, I want to say 20, 23 around there, so from there I kind of just started looking more into like the queer community in general and kind of what it meant. I started with Instagram. I slowly kind of you know started with the stereotypical lesbian Instagram, and from there I was introduced to transgender men and that was the first time in my entire life that I had heard of a transgender man that I had you know seen right in front of me that another transgender man existed.
So I started following those accounts and kind of as I seen those individuals be comfortable with themselves and you know the before and after pictures were a really big thing. You know because how I always felt was that I didn't present I guess masculine enough that maybe I was too feminine prior that maybe I can't possibly be a transgender man. You know if I was that binary I guess, that bound to femininity. So being able to see that you know so many other transgender men had had that same kind of level of femininity and still you know realized who they were authentically, like their authentic selves, move forward with the transition. And that's kind of how I became comfortable with it and realized that it fit me. You know it was there all along just that you know I didn't have the words to express it. My parents definitely didn't.
So I came out kind of to the first person I would say more more privately would have been summer of 2016. And then by early 2017 I was you know more out to more people and I had come out at my college. You know I still hadn't gone through like a haircut or anything like that. I was going by Cash at that time. My pronouns were still she/her and so yeah like reflecting back on that time, that was a really difficult time. There was a lot of mistakes made that I definitely wish that I could go back on differently and definitely there was a lot of emotional pain that I caused other people that you know was not intentional at the time. Reflecting back those decisions absolutely should have been different, but it was a really difficult time when you're trying to figure out who you are and how you integrate into society as who you want to be. And then kind of casually as I just you know lived my life and moved forward, I was able to you know... the college situation didn't work out, so I went to to the university and that's where I really thrived. That's where I definitely grew. So yeah I credit a lot of it to that and being able to be who I am and learn more about gender and sexuality, what it means, you know how to construct it differently, how to deconstruct what I already knew, what I had already learned.
So I was able to grow grow in that manner so that's definitely been definitely a positive for me and I was able you know through that experience you know with those individuals supporting me and helping me through that process that I was able to realize you know hormones are what I wanted, top surgery was not only what I wanted, but definitely what I needed and I was able to pursue those avenues, not easily, so yeah that was kind of my navigation through the actual transition part of it, from social transition moving into physical transition.
I think the biggest thing that stands out to me right now that I’m still struggling with is how to feel comfortable in the body that I have, because unfortunately you can't change everything, right? So I’m not sure if it's entirely possible, I hope it is, but I’m not sure it's entirely possible to get your body to a point where every single thing fits the narrative that you've been taught, that you've been socialized to understand as masculine. So you know I look in the mirror and I still see my hips and I’m like you know those are not man hips. And I look at my hands and I think, okay those are too feminine. And so it's kind of working through not necessarily how to always change all of that to fit my idea, but kind of how to construct my knowledge today, my current knowledge, with the idea that it's okay that not every single part of my body fits some sort of predetermined criteria for masculinity. And that it's okay to still you know perform my gender you know, live my authentic self in a way that head to toe doesn't have to match just for every single aspect of my body. And also at the same time learning to understand for myself but also when it comes to representation and when you're having you know when there's dialogue about what it means to be transgender is that you don't have to undergo surgery or take hormones to qualify for lack of a better word as a category within transgender right you don't have to have top surgery, to have you know your chest tissue removed in order to be considered a valid trans man or someone who is able to navigate their life in a way that they want to use he/him pronouns and you know they don't want facial hair. Whatever body part or aspect of their body they're still comfortable with they are still transgender man. They are still he/him. They are masculine.
I do think what we need a little bit more work on is kind of making sure that we're validating people's gender the way that they think that it fits them rather than how we see it based on what we've been taught and how we've been socialized into that. Because I think that puts a lot of pressure on people to kind of meet some sort of standard that can be really damaging, I think, if they don't have the means or even just the you know internal comfort level to pursue that.
So when it comes to coming out, I think the concept of coming out is a difficult one because I think a lot of people are under the impression that you come out once and then you're done, and I wish it were that easy. Unfortunately it's not, so I would say that being able to you know come out initially there was that huge weight that was kind of off my chest, off my shoulders. It was like, okay, I can do this now. People know. You feel like it kind of gives you the room internally, emotionally, mentally, to process what it means to do something different gender wise. We like to think that we all have the same experience growing up, that we all have the same encounters and the same you know just general living environments but the world is a big place and and you know, different countries have different challenges and you know different hurdles, so coming out is definitely complex. It sometimes feels like a goal for people feeling that way it's like I have to come out. And how it changes your life I think is what you have to consider. There's undoubtedly good. I don't have any regrets with coming out. You know it's kind of an if I could go back thing, of course I would do things differently along the way, I would make better choices, I would you know factor in the people around me and how my choices and my words and the things that I say and do, what will impact them. But I think I kept myself at the forefront, and that was what I had to do and I think to some extent that's what I still have to do, by being cognizant of the fact that there are different people in my life with different needs and I try to manage that.
So I was diagnosed with depression, kind of clinically, at 12. You know I look at a 12 year old right now and I can't fathom that. That is just so young. So I grew up you know I went through my teen years, my first puberty as I call it, very depressed and angry a lot of despair, and not not knowing why. In hindsight I know why, but not really understanding that.
So there came a point where I didn't think I was gonna graduate elementary school, and then that happened. And I didn't think I was gonna make it to the other side of high school, and then that happened. And I would always reflect forward. and people would you know they kind of ask where do you think he'll be in five years, and I could never really come to terms that I would really survive.
You know, that's kind of the reality of deep depression I think, is that you don't really see your future the way that you would like to think that people should be able to see into their future. So yeah, before I came out there was definitely no comprehending a successful future, better yet like a happy one. So there's that kind of freedom that comes with coming out. And like I said, there's definitely loss. I can't say that I would undo what I’ve lost in order to go back to who I was. Like I wouldn't go and back and say well you know if I could just go back and have all these people back... definitely not, because that just undoes the work that I’ve done to myself to to get somewhere in my life where I can move forward and be successful and happy, and with my goals at least to help other people also feel happy and comfortable in themselves.
The depression doesn't go away. It's not that easy, that takes a lot of work. A lot of things to work through. But it's definitely to a point where you can for me at least I can visualize a future that exists basically.
The future that I envisioned for myself now is someone who is confident enough and comfortable enough with themselves that they can go forward and make meaningful change even just on a small scale. You know, I’m not out to change the world. I don't think any one human being is you know... it's not possible for one human being to do that. I think that takes a very large collective. You know, collective societies are what make change possible.
So I think my goal is just to be part of a collective society that moves forward making meaningful, positive change that doesn't result in anyone's further oppression.
It's important to kind of take your own experiences and at least, you know, you have your hardships and everything that I’ve gone through, to get to this point, that I kind of want to do something with it, that I can get at least one other person feeling, you know, confident in themselves and happy and like they can have their own future.
You know social research is an area that I become really interested in through my university, through my education. As I was going through my own research project that I need to obtain my honors degree bachelor of arts and honors, I love it. And I think that it can, you know, all it can do is kind of build one more stepping stone that we have towards getting some sort of change, even on a... again like I said on a small scale, especially, you know, I grew up in Northern Ontario. I’m still here. So my research was with local law enforcement how, we can do better training with the LGBTQ+ community, and ensuring that you know institutions that were kind of built on oppression and founded in the nature of marginalization and othering, that were holding them accountable by saying, hey you know what this our experience this is what we need from you. This is how you can work with us. How we can work together to do it. So my research kind of helped highlight the areas that we need some work, and the next step is kind of how do we do that, and how do we move forward with that so that it becomes kind of standard, so that we don't ever have to you know look at institutions such as policing and think well I wonder if they even know what transgender is? Or will they even understand when I tell them these are my pronouns? That's something that I think like, kind of those basics is where we need to start. So the research that I’ve done personally kind of revealed a starting point.
I do think that's that's based on location, definitely for sure. Again, Northern Ontario is so kind of secluded, not the most secluded in Canada, but definitely away from a lot of resources and representation in general. You know you go down to Toronto, even Ottawa and there's so much more visibility in general, and I think with visibility comes knowledge. So being kind of out of the way like we are down here is, well up here I guess, is difficult. And that's right from you know Sudbury to Sault Ste Marie. I think Thunder Bay is working on stuff but again they're still quite north, so they're you know... They have a larger population so they can move forward a little bit but there's a lot of barriers to that when everything is so central in the core and our core is Toronto, so...
Sometimes it just feels like it's so big because again I think sometimes we come into it thinking that we have to reach some sort of milestone or you know there's some sort of end to the journey kind of transgender and I don't think there is, because I think society changes too fast. Things change too fast. You know a journey is just that. There's not often a destination. I don't know if I would want there to be a destination because I think that would be boring. I think we would stop growing I think, in you know becoming better as a society if there was some sort of you know "you've reached it" type of destination. So I think that's the same with gender. I mean we want to evolve it in a way that everyone feels valid and feels like they can be who they are. So I think we just have to be open to and willing to kind of guide people on their journey without making them feel like you know they have to reach a destination to be successful to be happy and authentic.
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