Meet Riley (pronouns undetermined)

What follows is a transcript from Riley's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/HYSDc2P2T6Q

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Hello, my name is Riley. And my pronouns, I have no idea what they are right now and I identify as nonbinary, but I'm kind of in the process of trying to figure out if maybe it's something else or anything like that.

So for the meantime, I sometimes go by, she, they I have had I don't know how I feel about it quite yet, and I've also, any time I'm finding now that if I get identified as male, it absolutely makes my whole day and brightens my whole afternoon, my day or whatever. And I'll be thinking about it for weeks after. So starting to kind of explore how that kind of makes me feel as well. 

I'm thirty one. And from a very young age, I kinda hung around the boys, was always kind of considered one of the boys, and have even been a groomsman in one of my best friend's weddings and all those kinds of things. And my whole life, it was always, you know, we were playing something when I was a kid and it was no girls allowed. People would be like, well, Riley's in there. And then they'd be like, Riley doesn't count.

So that was always something that made me feel very comfortable with myself. And then as you grow up, you know, things kind of changed, people's interests change and all those kinds of things. And I still felt really comfortable with my friends that they all still considers me one of the guys. And I loved that. So I've always had a good support group in that regard. 

I always kind of felt dysphoric about my chest. Obviously know that when you're little, everybody is kind of running around having having fun, being friends. But I went through puberty very young and just would do anything, I was always quite a tomboy, to cover up. So wearing hoodies and all those kinds of things and, you know, really baggy clothes, which I liked because I like that stuff anyway.

And it was always kind of one of those things where when I would see a trans man, for example, I'd find that jealousy and that pang of kind of sadness that like, oh, I can't do that. I want to, but I don't know how to go about it. And it was always just something I kept in the back of my mind. And I also, when I was really little, I played hockey and then I moved to figure skating. I think part of me wanted to do that because I love Halloween. I was like 50 costumes. It's fun. And I love figure skating for several reasons. Why not just wasn't my thing anymore. And also, once I started getting a chance, those costumes weren't fun for me anymore. All they did was accentuate it. And I was happy to move to hockey. And I thrived and loved it. And I still play. 

So, you know, fast forwarding a little bit, you know, high school, I was still very much a tomboy. And I even had some of my friends, like, you know, I went to a Catholic school and people like Riley, you haven't worn the kilt yet. And my friends would laugh and say, right, will not wear the kilt despite my plaid hat. It was a feminine kilt. Right. So, you know, that wasn't something that I was comfortable doing. So people would always laugh, say Riley is not going to do that.

And then for Halloween, it was always - I think one of the reasons I love Halloween so much is that was my opportunity to be somebody else for the day. So I was - if I look back on my costumes, it was always a man that I would dress up as some kind of male character. And I still love Halloween to this very day. Anybody that knows me can attest to that. So. Again, always finding ways and thinking about my chest and then the university where it's very different. I kind of found that a bit of a struggle.

So I didn't - you know, you try different things. Like try like maybe one day say, hey, you know what, maybe I'll be like Halloween today, you know, so I would wear like the goth makeup or whatever kind of if I felt like I was in some kind of costume, that maybe I'd feel more confident throughout the day. But it still just wasn't working. And then still that paying about my chest. And so I would always wear about three sports for us to kind of compress as much as I can. And then several years ago, I started looking at test binding, which I did for many, many, many years and caused a lot of problems. And then eventually, maybe two years ago, I had just kind of had enough. It's time to do something about it. So I started the journey to get my top surgery, which I got in October 2020. So during the pandemic, it was very nerve wracking because I really wanted it. So I've gotten that. And it's been the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life by far bar none. 

It's like I find myself now. I would go days without looking in a mirror. And now I'm kind of like, oh, you know, quite excited about it. And so riding off of that high, I kind of told my friends and family. My family has been amazing through all of this. So my mom and my aunt came with me to my top surgery, which was really nice, and they were great about it. My mom went and got the pillow for my recovery and everything was great. And my dad was hilarious. When I came home, he said, I bet that's a load off your chest. So it was fun. So, you know, my family's been fantastic about all of this from the beginning, which is really awesome.

You know, I was riding on that high of, you know, I've got my top surgeon, I had told - all my friends have said, oh, yeah, we knew this was coming. So then it got to people would start to ask me, what are your pronouns? And I was like, oh, you can call me she. It's fine. I don't care. You called me that for you know ever. And it's been fine. It's not a problem. But then I think when I started to come down from that high, so once I was all recovered and living, you know, not having to worry about, you know, everything healing and just starting to go about my normal day to day, I started to kind of realize that if I would go to pick up food somewhere, the mam and miss would really bother me. It would be something that I would you know, I started to notice that I would avoid going to those certain places where I knew somebody was going to say, there you are, ma'am, here you are, Miss. How are you today? Miss those kinds of things. And or I would get my male friend to call because I just didn't want to deal with it. And I had say, can you go pick it up? Like I just I can't. And he was amazing in understanding about that. 

So I started kind of talking to my therapist, who's been awesome support for all of this and helped get the ball going with my surgery and everything. And I had said, you know, like I don't know how to feel about this. And she said, well, maybe try going by them for a little bit, see how you feel and if it connects. So I did for about two weeks.

It didn't feel like, oh, that's it. Like that's that's the one. It didn't fall into place. So I was like, I went back to her and I was like, you know, I don't really feel connected to that. And she said, that's totally fine. You tried it. That's how you know. Right. Then I went to go to a store to pick up something for curbside, and I was wearing a touk and a button up shirts and pants and just regular. I had joker and batman shoes. And the lady gave me my stuff. And she said, There you are, son, have a good day. And I got back in my car and I called my friends. I was like that woman. I just thought I was a boy.

And it made my whole day like I was on cloud nine. And because I was wearing a button that was actually a button up after my recovery. So then I went to the store. Right after that, I got into the car and I went to Wal-Mart and bought about four button up shirts, my pineapple one today.

And so I figured, you know, if that kind of is that help, that's something that made me feel so happy. And that clicked like for me. And I find now if somebody ever says like, you know, like if I've gone into a bathroom before and I'll still use the women's washroom if there isn't a gender neutral one. And I was out for lunch the other day and a little girl kind of looked and the mom said, yes, that's a woman. And in a way, even though she said, yes, that's a woman, I was still kind of like, I feel like I'm on your cover.

This is kind of fun. So that like even just that, that that child had to be like second guessing. That just makes my whole day. So with in regards to pronouns, you know, I'm trying to figure out that side of my of my story and my life, my journey. So, you know, they talk about your gender journey. I've told my friends this is my transmission. So kind of fun. 

I'm finding things that make me happy and things that upset me and how to deal with those those parts of being on the trans spectrum. So obviously the one of the first two things I feel like that kind of out to me as you female would be my hair and my voice. 

So with my hair, I'm like, you know, lots of guys have long hair. I listen to heavy metal music. Lots of heavy metal fans have long hair. Why do I have to change my hair for for other people? But then I also kind of think, well, if I did change my hair, that would probably affirm other people talking to me. But so I go through certain days and I'm like, well, maybe I need to change this in order for this to happen. And then other days are like, no, I don't have to do that. I'm going to live my life.

And then obviously, my voice. So I had thought about, you know, is HRT right for me? Is that something that I want to start exploring? So I've spoken to a few people in in support groups. Facebook's been an amazing. An amazing resource to talk to people who are like minded and, you know, so asking people, hey, how how was your, you know, transitioning to using HRT and side effects? And a lot of those things like I don't really want a lot of those things. I just want my voice to change. 

So I. I spoke to my therapist about that. So I've been now starting to look at voice therapy to kind of work with that. So I used to sing and sometimes I still do around the house, much to maybe my neighbor's dismay. You know, I'm going to start working on maybe how I can work with that to affirm a little bit more things. And, you know, as things go along, just how I didn't think pronouns would bother me as much as they have. Maybe that will change. I don't know. That's all part of my transmission. 

I don't have it all figured out. I'm not sure I could be, you know, in my fifties one day who say I've had enough and, you know, you never know. So, you know, it's something that I figure, you know, you don't always end. Some people say, you know, when you know, you're done transitioning and I don't think you ever are done. You know, it's always going to keep going. It's a thing like, you know, when are you done aging? You know, when you're done.

You know, everybody's I'm sure, you know, we change our hair and our clothes and all of those things, and I feel, you know, this is great, you know, gender can be one of those things as well.

So I also identify as asexual. So I do not experience any sexual attraction, no romanticism like I don't I've never had a crush on anybody. And it's funny, though, the only person I ever have had a crush is a very obscure musician who's very androgynous looking.

So my friends always kind of found that that was kind of humorous as well. So, you know, especially with HRT, that can change those kinds of things. And my acceptance of my sexuality was a long road. And I'm at that point where I've accepted it. So I don't want to start fiddling with that kind of thing. It's you know, if you're hanging a picture, don't touch it. It's perfect. Don't touch it. If it's hanging on by that one little nail, don't touch it.

I don't know what my pronouns are. Starting, you know "She" seems to be OK. But Ma'am and ladies and Miss just can ruin my whole day. To the point where I actually got little business cards made that say "Hello, my name is Riley, thank you for helping me today. Please don't use feminine pronouns when referring to me because I'm not a woman. If you slip up, that's OK. We're human and make mistakes. And have a nice day." So kind of I can hand those out if I go to a restaurant as a nonconfrontational way to at least curb those things, that kind of bother me.

So, yeah, trying to figure out, like I said, he seems to be something that really connects with me. So we'll see where that goes. But in the meantime, I just tell people, just don't call me an asshole. Stuff. That's about it.

You don't have to have it all figured out. It's OK. And it's something that can just be ongoing. So I hope this is helpful for some of you who aren't sure where you're at in your journey. You don't have to have it all figured out.

And it's something that you can find in your own time. It's OK. And it's all part of your transmission.  

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Meet Cash (He/Him)

What follows is a transcript from Cash's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/r7WsU450a0g

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So, my name is Cash and I am 28 years old from Northern Ontario. I’m currently a student at Algoma University and I’m completing my fourth year Bachelor of Honors in - sorry Bachelor of Arts, Honors in Sociology and Law and Justice combined. After graduation I’m hoping to pursue a master's degree in criminology. 

So, I identify as a transgender man. I lean a little bit more towards more of a non-binary kind of presentation. I go by the pronouns he/him. I’m okay with they/them as well. Like I don't really kind of plan around my identity too much, with the exception of, you know, I do prefer to present more masculine. That's always been something that I’ve been most comfortable with, kind of my whole life growing up, I always found that anything that was overly feminine presentation wise was uncomfortable to me. But in terms of interest it's anywhere from sports to crafting and kind of everything in between basically. 

Where I feel stuck is, like feeling like there has to be a binary. Like I have to be - I have to pick a category, kind of in order to be recognized. And that's definitely something I’m still working on because when someone says they/them, I love it, because I’m like yes! Like you've got it! Like no. When they say he/him, like that's fine too. Like I’m fine with either one, but sometimes I’ll be like, you know, I’m going to tell someone, like, I’m a man and it's like, that doesn't feel right either. Like you know,I want to present, I want to do you know, everything that makes me comfortable, masculinity wise kind of presentation wise. But, like, when it comes to, you know, people talking about men or talking about what it means to be kind of CIS men, CIS male, I think there's so much work to be done in that area that, you know, if I can try to help kind of shape that differently I would like to but I also think that what makes me more comfortable is non-binary, you know, claiming that. Claiming non-binary. And being allowed to claim that even though I want to present masculine because I think that's where a lot of people struggle. It's like well I can't be non-binary if I’m more feminine, or more masculine. I think that's kind of what we have to get away from, is the labeling of kind of what you have to do, what you can do, or what you should not do in terms of your gender and being transgender or and what not. I think that's that's where we do a lot of damage. 

So when it came to kind of discovering or learning to basically understand my gender I would say I was really young when I knew that, you know, female presentation and description wasn't for me but at the same time I didn't really have the words to express that. Growing up there was never any familiarity, there was never any like awareness essentially of what transgender meant. And definitely not what non-binary meant, so to me it never really made sense. But as I was growing up my mom was very, you know, she had the one daughter so she definitely wanted me to be you know her daughter, her princess. You know because of her occupation, she's in the beauty industry, so she liked me to do my makeup and my hair and you know, have the pretty feminine kind of clothing happening. I was never comfortable with that. I did express it but you know my mom did the best she can with what she knew right? I don't think that she had any kind of understanding or you know familiarity either no exposure to what transgender really meant. 

It wasn't until I kind of got into my I would say early 20s that I was really... there was more representation in general, but especially in the media, for transgender individuals. So I know that initially I came out as bisexual. That kind of made sense to me that's kind of still how I would I would say I identify. It's either you know bisexual or queer basically. I find queer be a little bit more all-encompassing. But yeah so from there I had actually, I was watching... I think I was just watching something on MTV. I think it was catfish or something like that and I was introduced to IO Tillett Wright, and he now has come out and identifies as transgender and at the time I believe that his pronouns were they/them. It kind of made sense to me kind of in that moment. I was like oh there's there's someone else out there who identifies kind of in the middle, for lack of a better word. I still didn't know what it meant to be non-binary. At that time I was, I want to say 20, 23 around there, so from there I kind of just started looking more into like the queer community in general and kind of what it meant. I started with Instagram. I slowly kind of you know started with the stereotypical lesbian Instagram, and from there I was introduced to transgender men and that was the first time in my entire life that I had heard of a transgender man that I had you know seen right in front of me that another transgender man existed.

So I started following those accounts and kind of as I seen those individuals be comfortable with themselves and you know the before and after pictures were a really big thing. You know because how I always felt was that I didn't present I guess masculine enough that maybe I was too feminine prior that maybe I can't possibly be a transgender man. You know if I was that binary I guess, that bound to femininity. So being able to see that you know so many other transgender men had had that same kind of level of femininity and still you know realized who they were authentically, like their authentic selves, move forward with the transition. And that's kind of how I became comfortable with it and realized that it fit me. You know it was there all along just that you know I didn't have the words to express it. My parents definitely didn't.

So I came out kind of to the first person I would say more more privately would have been summer of 2016. And then by early 2017 I was you know more out to more people and I had come out at my college. You know I still hadn't gone through like a haircut or anything like that. I was going by Cash at that time. My pronouns were still she/her and so yeah like reflecting back on that time, that was a really difficult time. There was a lot of mistakes made that I definitely wish that I could go back on differently and definitely there was a lot of emotional pain that I caused other people that you know was not intentional at the time. Reflecting back those decisions absolutely should have been different, but it was a really difficult time when you're trying to figure out who you are and how you integrate into society as who you want to be. And then kind of casually as I just you know lived my life and moved forward, I was able to you know... the college situation didn't work out, so I went to to the university and that's where I really thrived. That's where I definitely grew. So yeah I credit a lot of it to that and being able to be who I am and learn more about gender and sexuality, what it means, you know how to construct it differently, how to deconstruct what I already knew, what I had already learned. 

So I was able to grow grow in that manner so that's definitely been definitely a positive for me and I was able you know through that experience you know with those individuals supporting me and helping me through that process that I was able to realize you know hormones are what I wanted, top surgery was not only what I wanted, but definitely what I needed and I was able to pursue those avenues, not easily, so yeah that was kind of my navigation through the actual transition part of it, from social transition moving into physical transition. 

I think the biggest thing that stands out to me right now that I’m still struggling with is how to feel comfortable in the body that I have, because unfortunately you can't change everything, right? So I’m not sure if it's entirely possible, I hope it is, but I’m not sure it's entirely possible to get your body to a point where every single thing fits the narrative that you've been taught, that you've been socialized to understand as masculine. So you know I look in the mirror and I still see my hips and I’m like you know those are not man hips. And I look at my hands and I think, okay those are too feminine. And so it's kind of working through not necessarily how to always change all of that to fit my idea, but kind of how to construct my knowledge today, my current knowledge, with the idea that it's okay that not every single part of my body fits some sort of predetermined criteria for masculinity. And that it's okay to still you know perform my gender you know, live my authentic self in a way that head to toe doesn't have to match just for every single aspect of my body. And also at the same time learning to understand for myself but also when it comes to representation and when you're having you know when there's dialogue about what it means to be transgender is that you don't have to undergo surgery or take hormones to qualify for lack of a better word as a category within transgender right you don't have to have top surgery, to have you know your chest tissue removed in order to be considered a valid trans man or someone who is able to navigate their life in a way that they want to use he/him pronouns and you know they don't want facial hair. Whatever body part or aspect of their body they're still comfortable with they are still transgender man. They are still he/him. They are masculine. 

I do think what we need a little bit more work on is kind of making sure that we're validating people's gender the way that they think that it fits them rather than how we see it based on what we've been taught and how we've been socialized into that. Because I think that puts a lot of pressure on people to kind of meet some sort of standard that can be really damaging, I think, if they don't have the means or even just the you know internal comfort level to pursue that. 

So when it comes to coming out, I think the concept of coming out is a difficult one because I think a lot of people are under the impression that you come out once and then you're done, and I wish it were that easy. Unfortunately it's not, so I would say that being able to you know come out initially there was that huge weight that was kind of off my chest, off my shoulders. It was like, okay, I can do this now. People know. You feel like it kind of gives you the room internally, emotionally, mentally, to process what it means to do something different gender wise. We like to think that we all have the same experience growing up, that we all have the same encounters and the same you know just general living environments but the world is a big place and and you know, different countries have different challenges and you know different hurdles, so coming out is definitely complex. It sometimes feels like a goal for people feeling that way it's like I have to come out. And how it changes your life I think is what you have to consider. There's undoubtedly good. I don't have any regrets with coming out. You know it's kind of an if I could go back thing, of course I would do things differently along the way, I would make better choices, I would you know factor in the people around me and how my choices and my words and the things that I say and do, what will impact them. But I think I kept myself at the forefront, and that was what I had to do and I think to some extent that's what I still have to do, by being cognizant of the fact that there are different people in my life with different needs and I try to manage that. 

So I was diagnosed with depression, kind of clinically, at 12. You know I look at a 12 year old right now and I can't fathom that. That is just so young. So I grew up you know I went through my teen years, my first puberty as I call it, very depressed and angry a lot of despair, and not not knowing why. In hindsight I know why, but not really understanding that. 

So there came a point where I didn't think I was gonna graduate elementary school, and then that happened. And I didn't think I was gonna make it to the other side of high school, and then that happened. And I would always reflect forward. and people would you know they kind of ask where do you think he'll be in five years, and I could never really come to terms that I would really survive.

You know, that's kind of the reality of deep depression I think, is that you don't really see your future the way that you would like to think that people should be able to see into their future. So yeah, before I came out there was definitely no comprehending a successful future, better yet like a happy one. So there's that kind of freedom that comes with coming out. And like I said, there's definitely loss. I can't say that I would undo what I’ve lost in order to go back to who I was. Like I wouldn't go and back and say well you know if I could just go back and have all these people back... definitely not, because that just undoes the work that I’ve done to myself to to get somewhere in my life where I can move forward and be successful and happy, and with my goals at least to help other people also feel happy and comfortable in themselves.

The depression doesn't go away. It's not that easy, that takes a lot of work. A lot of things to work through. But it's definitely to a point where you can for me at least I can visualize a future that exists basically. 

The future that I envisioned for myself now is someone who is confident enough and comfortable enough with themselves that they can go forward and make meaningful change even just on a small scale. You know, I’m not out to change the world. I don't think any one human being is you know... it's not possible for one human being to do that. I think that takes a very large collective. You know, collective societies are what make change possible. 

So I think my goal is just to be part of a collective society that moves forward making meaningful, positive change that doesn't result in anyone's further oppression. 

It's important to kind of take your own experiences and at least, you know, you have your hardships and everything that I’ve gone through, to get to this point, that I kind of want to do something with it, that I can get at least one other person feeling, you know, confident in themselves and happy and like they can have their own future. 

You know social research is an area that I become really interested in through my university, through my education. As I was going through my own research project that I need to obtain my honors degree bachelor of arts and honors, I love it. And I think that it can, you know, all it can do is kind of build one more stepping stone that we have towards getting some sort of change, even on a... again like I said on a small scale, especially, you know, I grew up in Northern Ontario. I’m still here. So my research was with local law enforcement how, we can do better training with the LGBTQ+ community, and ensuring that you know institutions that were kind of built on oppression and founded in the nature of marginalization and othering, that were holding them accountable by saying, hey you know what this our experience this is what we need from you. This is how you can work with us. How we can work together to do it. So my research kind of helped highlight the areas that we need some work, and the next step is kind of how do we do that, and how do we move forward with that so that it becomes kind of standard, so that we don't ever have to you know look at institutions such as policing and think well I wonder if they even know what transgender is? Or will they even understand when I tell them these are my pronouns? That's something that I think like, kind of those basics is where we need to start. So the research that I’ve done personally kind of revealed a starting point. 

I do think that's that's based on location, definitely for sure. Again, Northern Ontario is so kind of secluded, not the most secluded in Canada, but definitely away from a lot of resources and representation in general. You know you go down to Toronto, even Ottawa and there's so much more visibility in general, and I think with visibility comes knowledge. So being kind of out of the way like we are down here is, well up here I guess, is difficult. And that's right from you know Sudbury to Sault Ste Marie. I think Thunder Bay is working on stuff but again they're still quite north, so they're you know... They have a larger population so they can move forward a little bit but there's a lot of barriers to that when everything is so central in the core and our core is Toronto, so... 

Sometimes it just feels like it's so big because again I think sometimes we come into it thinking that we have to reach some sort of milestone or you know there's some sort of end to the journey kind of transgender and I don't think there is, because I think society changes too fast. Things change too fast. You know a journey is just that. There's not often a destination. I don't know if I would want there to be a destination because I think that would be boring. I think we would stop growing I think, in you know becoming better as a society if there was some sort of you know "you've reached it" type of destination. So I think that's the same with gender. I mean we want to evolve it in a way that everyone feels valid and feels like they can be who they are. So I think we just have to be open to and willing to kind of guide people on their journey without making them feel like you know they have to reach a destination to be successful to be happy and authentic.

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The Space Between

Life has a way of finding balance. 

You have heard it said that Nature abhors a vacuum.

In the space between male and female, there are those who would have us believe there is nothing; that these are only the binary ends. There are those who would have us believe there is only a vacuum in between, but, as Voyager is showing us, even where we think there is nothing, there is something. Those of us who are non-binary are living proof that there is definitely something in the space between the binary.

In fact, there are many genders that fill the space between the binary ends of the gender spectrum. We are the LGBTQ+ community, and we have been around for as long as there have been the binary poles. 

Those who do not believe we have always been here are actually part of the reason we have remained unseen - a self fulfilling prophecy if you will. The stigma placed upon being queer has made it a difficult place in which to live. So, as a matter of safety and social acceptance, many choose not to disclose their identity, making us all more invisible. 

It is no surprise, then, that in this time of growing understanding and protection of LGBTQ+ people, we are seeing more people “coming out”, because they feel safer to do so. 

This is not a trend. There are not suddenly more LGBTQ people being somehow "created". We have always been here. We have always existed. Many just chose not to see us, and many of us chose not to be seen. Now, however, we are feeling more comfortable with sharing who we really are, and so you are starting to see more of us.

Living in the space between gives those of us in the non-binary universe a unique perspective on those living at the poles; one that I believe can benefit all of humanity, helping us find balance and beauty in the entire spectrum and bridging the gap between. In fact, to silence our voices actually hurts all of us. Non-binary people have been forced to listen to the cis-normative narrative their entire lives, and many of the struggles we face are deeply rooted in the shame of not being what people think we should be. The vast range of identities in the spectrum of LGBTQ persons can actually bring balance to the views of cis-binary individuals who are deeply divided by their own gender, creating issues such like hyper radical feminism and misogyny. The narratives and views of the LGBTQ+ community can actually help us bridge the gap and ease the tension that exists between those binary poles.

By learning about, accepting and including those in the space between, we now have a means to unite humanity - and keep us united. We become less polarized and more unified because the bridge between demonstrates that we are all essentially connected. Diversity is no longer seen as diluting the whole, but rather our diversity COMPRISES the whole.

If you find yourself strongly defending the binary, take a moment to ask yourself why? What is it about making sure everyone conforms to the binary that is so important? You are perfectly happy being binary, but what about those in between? Should they be less content? Ask yourself, what can I learn from someone who is gender non-conforming?

And if you yourself are gender non-conforming, love yourself! You are important! You are special, and you have a place of honour in this world. You are the glue that can bind the binary together and make us whole again. Ask yourself, how can I contribute to a better world? How can I help others see through my eyes?

You are all special, binary and non-binary alike. You are valued and needed.

Love you all!

Cary

Meet Elladan (They/Them)

What follows is a transcript from Elladan's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/XRfDsCblt80

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My name is Elladon, and I use they/them pronouns.

My gender identity is complex. I don't fully understand what it is, and I don't expect other people to understand it if I don't. So, for the most part I identify as non-binary, because while non-binary is accurate it doesn't necessarily do justice to describe what's different about me from other non-binary people, because non-binary isn't just the third gender. Now, it's a little different. I don't know if I’m maybe gender fluid maybe agender. Because my relationship with gender it definitely changes day to day.

For me understanding my feelings and understanding how that related to my identity took a painfully long time. I think it was only feels painfully long because of how obvious it should have been. When I was young, I had thoughts like: transgender individuals can have gender confirming or gender affirming surgery, and I can't have that because I’m not transgender. And that was really upsetting. I n my head at maybe 13 years old, I wished I could get gender affirming surgery but knew I never could because it was only for transgender people. I didn't realize that maybe wanting that could have been a clue.

I would always present a certain way and when strangers would "misgender" me, I found it really exciting and thrilling I had a list I had a physical list every time someone "misgendered" me with the opposing gender to um my assigned one at birth. I would go home and write it in my journal because I was so thrilled about it.

And there there's a lot of other signs. I know I always wanted to shop in different sections and my moms like you can't shop there those clothes aren't for you.

Those thoughts never left. I just adjusted my presentation to fit them. But for me growing up anything related to LGBT was very taboo, very negative, Like I knew in my head, if... I was afraid. I had friends who were part of positive space and different groups at school, and while I personally didn't have anything against it, I was like afraid to openly support it because I knew I would get in trouble. Like there would be negative consequences for me and also, I could pass as just straight and not interested. So that's what I did.

At one point in high school, I had gone to my friends and said, I’m not transgender but, could we try using this new nickname I’ve picked out and these pronouns? Which they didn't do, but the fact that I was thinking hey let's switch up my pronouns and not use my birth name again could have been a good sign.

I became more and more aware that these were identities that existed, but I wouldn't connect them to myself, but I was also not "the other." I didn't feel the need to do a binary transition so I couldn't be trans, and it wasn't until quarantined, I moved out from my family home and I was living with a roommate and I started watching just YouTube videos. They were on my recommended, and a lot of them were transgender TikToks, or memes, just like relatable transgender content. So, I would start watching it thinking, this isn't supposed to be relatable to me but all of it was. So, I kind of got the idea in my head. And then I found out about non-binary.

Pretty much the moment I found out about non-binary, I went, oh! Okay. This is what I am. It makes sense. And pretty much the moment I figured that out, I started making phone calls to my doctor first, before my family. I was like I want to get this train rolling. So probably within the same week of me learning what non-binary was, and that it existed, I was making phone calls to get hooked up at the gender clinic, to get a gender therapist, so I could start getting surgery and just doing all these things I’d dreamed of since being a kid. I was like, okay this is on the table for me. It's happening, and it's happening as soon as possible. The phone calls to family came later.

Life before learning that I was non-binary and that there was something I could do about it was difficult, because I knew I was unhappy. I had not even really hit puberty yet and there were things about my body that I knew I couldn't live with. So, I remember thinking, the medical field today, they could change someone from a man into a woman, or from a woman into a man, but they can't help me. Because like I said I didn't realize there were options for people. I didn't realize people like me even existed, and that made me so mad. I would sit in my room and cry. They were angry tears, because I felt like forgotten, ignored. I felt frustrated with my family, but they didn't know... actually they did know. My family knew I wanted to do this these medical procedures and they always kind of wrote it off as just a phase. I didn't care if I wasn't allowed to dress a certain way or if I had to keep my hair a certain way. But thinking that I couldn't choose what to do with my body and that it had to stay a certain way, it was unbearable.

So, for me coming out happened pretty much the same way that calling my doctors for medical transition did which is within probably a few days of discovering what non-binary was, I was telling people about it.

So, I called my dad first and his reaction was more or less, I’m so glad you finally felt comfortable telling me. Apparently, he'd figured it out a while before. And then I told my brother. After that... He didn't understand at first, because we'd actually had some conversations in the past, like he struggled to understand transgender, but he didn't understand like, neo-pronouns, and all these other genders, because I remember growing up, I just seen a lot of genders on Tumblr, and I will say, I was one of the people who was confused by them. I thought like, there can't possibly be this many. Like why are people doing this? But when I told him I was kind of, I’ve done research now. I’ve watched YouTube videos. I got on Facebook with a more open mind. And so, I was able to talk to him about it and he came around pretty quickly. So, I remember when I first asked him to use a nickname when I was in high school, he was not on board with that. None of my friends were. None of my family was. So I thought, I'll tell him that, you know, I’m non-binary, and that I’m gonna medically transition. But he probably won't be cool with changing my name and pronouns, because that doesn't seem like him. But within a week he... well within a few days, he was making an effort and I’d say within a week, he'd probably stopped getting it wrong altogether. So, after that I told my other siblings, and well, yeah, and they were all on board. They were really supportive. They didn't screw up at all.

My mom found out last. I was really stressed. I didn't want to tell her. I was kind of hoping I could just fly under the radar and see how long it took her to notice. But I knew that if I got surgeries or started hormone therapies, she'd clue in and she had the type of personality where she felt I was deliberately hiding something from her, which I would have been. Then it would be a worse reaction than if I just came out and told her.

So the initial conversation with my mom went very poorly. We got into a big argument, and she told me I was not thinking things through and making a bad decision, and that it was very spontaneous. There was definitely a lot of painful conversations and emotions and discussions that happened between us. And there was definitely more than a few times where I thought like, this is it. She's gonna cut me off. I’m gonna cut her off. Like this relationship is not going to continue.

She got over it quickly. She called me within a few weeks and started talking about it, and then after that, she started doing her own research independent of me. And she was sending me videos by non-binary YouTubers, asking me questions like, is this you? Does this describe you? Is this your experience? And so, we started being able to have a conversation about it. From then on, it's like, every week she does something that surprises me.

I know as a kid growing up, I’d always wanted to use nicknames and it made her really upset. She felt like she put a lot of thought into my name, and I was also named after someone who had been very important to her. So, the most significant thing for me was when she started calling me a name that I preferred. And then even more shocking was when she started using my gender-neutral pronouns.

So, I didn't expect her to ever accept me but honestly within a month she was giving her best effort. And her best effort has turned into genuine support.

Things did eventually go well with everyone.

I’d say coming out to the world, like coming out publicly, has not inherently made things harder, but if anything, it's made things a little bit easier. But coming out to myself has made a lot of my dysphoria worse and it's given me a lot of regret. Which is just funny because like I said I’m pretty young and I know a lot of people take much longer to kind of discover this, but I’ve always had this feeling that I’m wasting my life. Because I took a few extra years for high school, I took a few extra years for college, and all this time, I feel this immense pressure of time, thinking I’m wasting my life, I’m running out of time to accomplish anything. I look at the accomplishments of like teenagers and kids in their young 20s and I think, look at all they've done, and I’m so much older, and I’ve done nothing. So, I have a lot of impending doom hanging over me feeling like my life is almost over.

So, I do know that I’m sitting here looking back going, this isn't a surprise, this isn't new, everyone saw it coming, all the signs were there, I should have put pieces together. Like, so I think a lot, how would my life have been different If I’d gone on hormone blockers? What if I tried to get surgery years ago? What if I’d known this about myself?

I had teachers at school pulled me aside and asked me what pronouns do you prefer, and I was like, why are you asking me that? Like, don't ask me those questions! And yeah, I had a lot of visceral pushing it away for so long, but now that I am accepting it, I’m mad that I didn't do it sooner. Which retrospectively is a bit of a privileged thing to say that, like, the most upsetting thing about coming out is that I didn't do it sooner? But it's true. The most upsetting thing about coming out is that I didn't do it sooner.

it's hard to pinpoint any one way that coming out has made things better. It's more of an overall feeling. It's like, my life has somehow changed, which it has but... it's difficult to really say how or why.

I got a legal name changed. I got my gender markers changed. And I remember thinking when I got my name changed, I didn't think it would be a big deal, because I’ve been going by, you know, a different name my whole life. And when I got the paperwork, I got so scared. I was like did they say no? Did I spend weeks stressing? I was like, how long's it supposed to take to get it back? What are they gonna say? And when I sat down on my bed and opened it, I just started crying.

There were hard parts where I know after coming out to myself, I somehow felt that I see myself this way now. It's so obvious. Of course, the rest of the world will. It didn't occur to me that the entire world wouldn't be on the same page. So, I remember, I got a new job at one point, and I went in there like, fully presenting as non-binary. I had a pronoun pin. I used my new name on my application. And I just immediately got misgendered the whole time. And I did not have the confidence to tell them. I just sat there, and I was like oh... oh... the world doesn't know? Why did I think they would know? So that was kind of a wake-up call.

It's like, just because you and your family know, the world's not going to see you differently right away. Like they don't care how you feel. They just care how you look, and that's what they're going to go off of. So that was hard.

One thing that changed is how I look. I used to present very firmly the opposite gender of what I was, because I did not like being gendered and I thought, well, if people are going to do it anyway, I want them to do it this way. And now that I kind of understand myself better, I don't feel the need to do that. I’m happy to just wear whatever I want to. Do what makes me happy. To look how I want to look.

So, growing up, like as a teenager, a lot of everything I did was to put on a front and to look a certain way to the rest of the world. And it's like all of that is gone now. I’m so comfortable just being me.

I’ve stopped taking medication for anxiety and depression and I felt better than I ever have. I heard all these anecdotes about people who suffered from anxiety and depression their whole life, and then they started transitioning and it got a lot better. Because a lot of that unacknowledged feelings was what was causing... that was the root of the anxiety and the depression. And I remember thinking, well, that won't happen to me because this isn't why... I mean I’ve been anxious and depressed since I was a tiny kid. Like I don't like my gender, but I don't think it's killing me. Turns out it kind of was killing me.

And since coming out and starting to do all these social and physical changes, I feel better. I feel healthier even. My family says I smile more. There are days where I wake up and I think, I’m happy! I’m doing well. One day I was cleaning my kitchen and I stopped and in my head, I thought, I’m thriving! And I’ve never thought that before in my life. But almost every day I can sit there and go, I’m thriving. So.

I grew up very afraid of taking risks and very afraid of changes. So I had very little confidence in myself. I had a lot of body image issues, which led to other confidence issues. But overall, I was not a confident little child. And ever since making this one major decision, it's like, everything about myself has opened up. I have made a lot of decisions I would have never made in the past. I feel like my life has just begun. I feel like, before, I was waiting for my life to end, which is literally true. I had no plans to end it myself, but every day I woke up and thought, if, you know, if I get hit by a car today, there's nothing that I'll regret about it. Whereas now I realize... I had a severe depressive episode just a few days or weeks back, and even in the midst of it, I thought to myself, I have to get out of this because I have things to look forward to!

I’m getting my driver's license, which... I did my written test at 16 and let it expire because I was afraid to set foot inside a car, and now I plan on living in a van and traveling all over North and South America, because I’ve always wanted to see the world. So.

One of the most important things I think people can do, is, not just let people experiment but encourage it. When I was a kid um one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't know this about myself sooner. And as a kid, all the signs were there. But I didn't recognize them. And the people around me didn't recognize them. And the people around me were very invested in the community, but it feels like when I was amongst them, I got overlooked. And I think it's so important that we just normalize these things, because even if something is just a phase or if something is just someone experimenting, there's no harm in that. If I’d had this information sooner, if I’d known about these possibilities, they don't teach it in school, most parents don't talk about it unless you have a friend or a family member who's openly part of the LGBTQ community, it's generally swept under the rug, and you grow up not knowing what options exist.

I think this information should just be available for people. Because having the information doesn't make you a certain way, it just gives you possibilities to pursue if that's what you want to do. I’m really excited about my future which I never thought I would say.

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Meet Cary (They/Them)

What follows is a transcript from Cary's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/FwqMMRQx2-8

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Hi there, my name is Cary and I'm part of the Trans Canada project, but I am also Trans. 

Kelly and I are asking people across the country to tell their stories to let us find out more about them and so it's not really fair to ask all of them to tell their stories if we're not prepared to tell our stories as well. So this is a real challenge for me just like it is for everybody else who's going to participate in the Trans Canada Project but here we go! 

I'm 55 years old. I live in Elmira Ontario, which is just a little town in Ontario, and I honestly do not even know if there's any other trans people in the town here. There probably are but we haven't met yet. Hopefully, we'll meet someday and get to share each other's stories together in person.

I identify as non-binary trans and that's confusing for some people because they don't understand the non-binary part. People still can understand the whole being binary trans going one direction or the other all the way but this kind of floating in the middle is difficult for people to understand. But for me personally it was a huge relief and a real explanation to me to help me understand myself. When I understood that I didn't have to be completely one side or the other, that that I could be somewhere on the spectrum; somewhere in between.

It's been a long journey for me, I mean I'm 55 years old so obviously it's going to be a long journey. A lot of my life I struggled with dressing in women's clothes and I'm kind of ashamed to say that I hid a lot of stuff and I kind of snuck around about it and it really didn't feel very good to be doing that and it's still hard for me because a lot of my family doesn't accept the way I am and they will tell me so and some of them, when I try to explain it to them. they just shut down. They won't even listen and that's hard too because, you know, everybody feels like they can dump on me and tell me that it's wrong with being trans, but they don't like to hear me explain how it's okay, how it's even “right” what a wonderful thing it is too sometimes. 

I mean I feel like I have learned so much by being trans. Once I started to accept myself, I started to learn to love better, to let go of all the crap that I was carrying with me and I still have some of those things still in there - it's grown in me and it's hard to get rid of some of those things, but I feel like I'm in a much better place now. I'm not hiding things. I can actually live an authentic life and I can work on those things much better. 

Probably the thing that drives me the most is my faith. My faith in God. Lots of people define that differently but growing up in a Christian church I certainly have not thrown out all of the principles or the things that I learned through the Christian church. The moral foundation that it laid was good and I can still say that even though I struggle with some of the beliefs of some Christian people, I have a very strong faith and a few years ago I felt God telling me that, you know what, this is okay Cary. I'm okay with it. And it took me a long time to process that and get around that but eventually I started to accept that in myself and I was able to give myself some grace about it, feel better about it, and I learned a lot of things about love.

I got connected with communities that loved me even though I was trans and even some Christian communities, which was a surprise even to me because, you know, I didn't expect to find Christian communities that would be accepting of people who are trans and gay.

When I struggled with this, with being trans, I wrestled with it so much with god. I would pray so hard. I was so challenged by it and it was just really hard, but I find it interesting that since I’ve accepted it, since I’ve felt God's acceptance in it, that I feel the burden lifted. I feel lighter, you know? There are things in the bible that talk about the joy that comes in just trusting in God; in leaving things to him, and I really feel that.

You can say what you want about scripture verses that are interpreted a certain way, you know? You can argue all those things and I - let me tell you I can argue a lot of them right along with you but I cannot deny the experience of God in my life, and that's what guides me.

There's a lot of people who say they're Christian and are struggling with being gay or being bi or trans or whatever. I want to tell you that God loves you and that it's okay.

The greatest challenge for me has been just my family. I've found great support from a number of communities. I've found great support even from the community around me in general. I've been out, literally dressed, I mean when you're trans it's very visible to people, and you know, I'm sure people tag me as male and often a male in a dress or a skirt and that does still bother people sometimes. But it's been very good. I mean a lot of people are being very good about it, even if it does bother them. I have been accepted and it's been good.

But the greatest challenge for me has definitely been my family. I know they care about me and they want what's best for me and that when they tell me things it's coming from a good place. But honestly, when I challenge them, you know, what is really wrong with it? Why are you concerned? What are the things that … why do you see it as a problem? It's really hard for them to give me an answer and I know, I know that's because there really isn't an answer to that I mean I lived on the other side of that fence. I was one of those people who did that and I know that there is really no reason why this is wrong or bad. But it's very hard when you've been told that all your life, to believe that, and so my family is kind of still stuck in that place and I don't hold anything against them for that because I know what that's like. 

Yeah, coming out has made things easier for me in a lot of ways because I feel more authentic within myself. I feel the shame of it that I had is gone and the burden of carrying that around and feeling like I'm hiding part of myself all the time, constantly trying to hide it, it's gone! There's still the challenge of being out as in, you know, visibly wearing this, and I don't mean the clothes, I mean like just visibly wearing the fact that I'm trans. Because being trans is very visible and people can easily see it. There's the challenge of doing that but being able to take all of that weight and the shame that was part of that and just letting it go has been such a huge blessing to me. And it really has brought a lot of joy to my heart and I find myself smiling more, laughing more than I have in a long time, and just in that way generally happy, even though there's other parts of my life where there are still challenges and things to be worked through and figured out.

I'm still in the process of this transition, and it's hard to say exactly where it will go. I mean who really knows what the future is going to be like? What it's going to hold? Who really knows how things are going to turn out? But I'm feeling good about the direction of this even though there are huge challenges ahead. 

I listen to what other people say around me, other trans people, and I hear their stories. There can be a lot of hurt, and life can be difficult in some ways, but you know life has challenges no matter what you do. There are things that you have to face and you have to struggle with and you find your way through, and this is just one of those challenges it's just something that is and something I need to deal with and as I learn to deal with it and handle it it's much easier for me to have confidence in sharing it and just living it authentically with other people.

And I think (I hope) as I do that, and certainly with some of the experience that I've had, the more I do that, the more people see the authenticity of it, the more people learn that they can accept it too. And I think when people start to accept it they learn as well. They learn to be better friends. They learn to let go some of the things they thought were so important because they've been taught a certain way, and just grab a hold of something better; something bigger than what they've been taught. 

I’m a morning person and I get out of bed pretty early, and I don't sleep a lot of hours but what gets me out of bed in the morning honestly? I don't know, just the idea of a fresh new day and “what will it hold” and the adventure of it all and just getting out there. This certainly is a grand adventure. My future could look like all kinds of things.

I suppose I'm coming out more and more - I mean just the very fact that I'm putting this video together is a huge step of coming out. And that can be really scary because I don't know how people will react. I don't know what other people will do and I have no control over that of course and even now I think it would be easier just to hide. Even if I just completed a transition, it would be a lot easier just to hide as a woman, perhaps, but doing that would be still hiding right? And I think I really want to live authentically. I really want to live the way I am and the way -- the way god made me. 

If I could talk to myself 10 years ago, I don't know, I mean I would probably try and convince myself that I was okay first of all. I would probably try to tell myself that, you know, that this is fine, and you will be fine. But honestly, you know, 10 - 20 - 30 years ago things were not the same in the world it was a lot harder I think to come out. A lot harder to live this authentically. There were a lot more people that were very much against it and it was very much less understood than it is now. I think this is a much better time to be coming out. Honestly, I guess that makes me chicken, but that's okay too. 

If I could remind myself of something in 10 years from now? Of course I don't know what I'll be like in 10 years, or where I'll be or what the world will be like in 10 years. But if I could remind myself of one thing in 10 years I think it would probably be the joy that I felt in just coming out and being able to just experience this and live authentically and just enjoy and appreciate the things that are around me. Because, you know, as life goes on you start to get used to things and some things get easier but I think things also, you know, they become normalized and you start to lose a little bit of that joy in it. So I think it would just be to remind myself of how good this feels right now.

My biggest dream for the future would just be that people would love each other and just see each other as people. It doesn't matter what color, what race, what religion, what ethnicity, what gender, what sex; we're all people. We're all struggling. We're all working towards having a good life and most of us at least are working towards helping others to have a good life. My dream would be that everybody would do that. I mean, world peace and happiness right? 

If I could tell people watching one thing, that thing would probably be; be yourself. Just you do you, I mean. 

People worry sometimes that you're doing you would mean that you're gonna do crazy, stupid stuff and maybe some people would. We have to be careful of that too. But, you know, what if you live in joy and happiness and love for others and love for yourself? Then I think you're going to be on the right track; just do you. Enjoy who you are. Share that with everybody else because the diversity that we have is all part of the blessing of life, and just, please share that with everyone else. 

So, I appreciate the time that I've had here to be able to share my story with you, and I hope you're enjoying all of the other stories in the Trans Canada Project. If you have a story to tell we would love to hear from you; please contact us through our website www.transcanadaproject.ca. if you know somebody who you think has an amazing story, please have them contact us we'd love to talk to them. We want to let people know that Trans people are just regular people, and some of them even extraordinary people, who have fantastic stories to tell, and we want to share those stories with other people. Of course, we can't do all of this without your support, and I would just ask that you consider supporting us either by sending us a donation or by supporting us regularly through our Patreon. Thank you very much. Don't forget to like and subscribe below to see lots more videos about people's stories.

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