Meet Andy (He/Him)

What follows is a transcript from Andy''s video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/Ueie5Wy6RsQ

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Hi, I'm Andy, and it took me a long time to get that name, but it was actually a name I used to call myself when I was a kid and I used to record myself, you know, on cassettes and you put them in and you record off the radio and you'd like talk in between and introduce.

That's how I used to play, and I used to call myself, Andy. So that's how I ended up getting my name. And I use he/him pronouns. That was also a little bit of a journey to get to that point as well.

And I'm a social worker and I work locally out here in beautiful Workwith, Ontario. So I remember something that stood out to me, and it was when we end up going and talking to your doctor, or in my case, it's a nurse practitioner, they ask you, like, how did it all start and tell me your trans journey?

And I remember being in like grade two or three pretty young, and there was someone who came and presented to the gym and the entire class of the entire school actually was there. And at some point, they had pointed out to me because I had my hand up and they said, the boy in the purple shirt. And everyone started to laugh. And tease me because they knew who I was, and I was the little girl with short hair and had to beg my parents to get that haircut, something that I really wanted. But that always stuck. It stuck out to me; the boy in the purple shirt, and it's enough for me to think about it now and for it to stick with me. I always thought there was something there, and I remember a little bit later on that year, my mom decided to paint my walls pink.

And she, I don't know if she was sensing things, just trying to keep things pink and put your girl in little dresses and make sure that you know they're following along, like all the other little girls. But I got black paint and I put all over my hands and I decorated the walls to let her know how I felt about her choosing pink for me. So very strong willed, I think, at a young age. And sorry, mom. So I think they had the paint over that or made me. Maybe they made me paint over it.

I went to Catholic school, and I didn't have very many examples of people around me who were from the LGBT family. It wasn't really talked about very much. I had to go outside. Internet was a big thing, you know, ICQ and all that good stuff when we were younger and messenger. And so I started talking to people in other areas.

And I met my partner, who was from Oshawa, and she was going to be going to a dance in Toronto, the buddies in bad times. It was a boys and boys and girls and girls dance. And so that was the first time we were 17 or 18, and then we dated for a little bit.

We dated twice, but my partner, she was just coming out herself and interested in lots of girls, and I think girls were interested in her and I can hear her laughing on the side because she probably doesn't want me to tell you. But she dated a few different people and I think I was young, but I wanted to just have one partner and I wanted it to be her. And so I broke up with her twice and then we went and we both married different people.

We had a great time with both persons. We learned a lot of different things and learned how to be good people and better partners to one another. So I thank my last partner for everything that she taught me and so then I was just looking for someone to be friends with, and I needed to learn how to crochet, so I put a post on Facebook and I said, Hey, is there anyone willing to teach me to crochet?

And so she messaged me and said I'd love to and came over. And I think she had other things in mind, but I was innocent. And in all that, of course, she came over. And it was history from there.

So that sort of started. I guess I went through being a lesbian phase, feeling I was a woman and it wasn't until I was maybe 32 that I went to her and I said, Listen, I think I'm a man and I don't know how you're going to take this. But she answered with such positivity and support and willing to listen and like, Oh well, you could try this or you could go on hormones or you could do this. And just knowing that there were some options, opened up, like a whole new world to me.

I felt relief. I felt just in my mind, a little bit of peace and like, Oh my God, there's an opportunity that I can be who I am on the inside that little boy in the purple shirt.

So I think some of the challenges are... A lot more came from coming out to family. And I've had some really supportive, strong people. And I've heard some people really question it and ask awful questions that you wouldn't want to be asked. And people that you wanted to be there to support you and just say, OK, where do we go from here?

And I've been told that I'm going to get beat up in the bathroom and maybe killed. People are worried. They're worried for me. But it's been a challenge.

I think some people have said, like, why would you want to be a man? It's the worst thing in the world.

And it's not a choice. It's not. I've had so many conversations about it. So it's challenging just getting self-affirmation. But it's really funny because we have a foster daughter who lives with us. And when she first came, that was when I was starting to transition.

I think it was like October when I started my hormones, and she came in November. So I thought, OK, I'm going to have to have a conversation with this kid. She's going to see me start growing facial hair.

You know, I wear different, not feminine clothes. And what is she going to think? Is she going to be embarrassed? Is she going to accept me all those fun things? And so I got to happen at the same time that we're also creating an identity of who we were as parents.

So, it was an interesting time. Everything was combined.

Some of it, like I've been up against oppression and felt oppressed when Danielle and I applied for an apartment, and we got told we didn't get the apartment because we had bad credit and we both have excellent credit. So it was obvious to me that we both showed up - I think I was looking pretty butch at the time and they just didn't want people like us there.

So, there's been things like that. But when I get to a bathroom at this point because I'm I feel I'm pretty newly transitioning, I feel like how boy do I have to look today to go into the men's bathroom versus, OK, if I'm in there is really busy or a lot of women going to see me? If my mask is covering, you know, based on what I'm wearing, what where do I fit that day?

It's a struggle. I'm hoping that that becomes clearer and clearer. The more I feel like myself is matching with my outside physical appearance. But I'm a social worker, so my whole thing is you got to enjoy the journey. And this is who I am today, and that's OK. So.

So, this is Daniel.

We've been together now for eight years. Soon to be wife, I hope one day, well, we'll see, but I think we've passed the, what is it like a three-year mark normally?

[Danielle] Common Law.

[Andy] Wow.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] So, so Danielle is a nurse and she's been an integral part of my life since I was very young and then we stayed friends. We stayed friends for a good while, we were off being married and doing all that kind of stuff.

And so, you've always been there. And I was always in love with her. I just wanted to be with me and nobody else.

[Danielle] Yeah. You know, I remember quite clearly, we were we were living in Hamilton, and Andy had just come back from training and focusing providers, medical providers about trans care and had to be inclusive. And Andy, I remember Andy came in and he was just pale and didn't look good.

And I said, you know, is everything OK? And he said, I think I'm trans, and I said, I kind of figured that before. But like, you know, that doesn't change anything. And I think that was Andy's worry is, how is that going to change our relationship?

You know, me identifying at that time as a lesbian in a lesbian relationship, how does that change the dynamics of things? And like to me, it's, you know, gender is a social construct, and you know, it's not about, you know, that, you know, I love Andy because of Andy. And I, you know, Andy is trans and I kind of, you know, always knew that, and always loved that about Andy.

And yeah.

[Andy] My cheeks go red sometimes.

Yeah, we I think we had a big conversation about going from a lesbian relationship to a CIS relationship. And I also wonder, you know, your sexuality like I wasn't trying to change you in my decision.

And then you came out and you told me that you were what.

[Danielle] I identify as non-binary. I never fit into any of the gender roles.

[Andy] But not as a pansexual. You told them.

[Danielle] Yeah, I put my attractiveness to a person is not to a gender. I don't believe that you can be attracted just to the gender.

[Andy] So it's like I hit the jackpot.

[Danielle] You know, it's...

[Andy] For me, I think I was even counseling someone at this point too who was coming out. Someone who didn't want to lose their partner and said I'd rather keep my partner than come out because that's more important to me, and that's sort of how I felt. So Danielle had to be OK with that and took a long time to tell her, and now I feel like I'm taking away her lesbian pride.

Like. Are we not part of that same? Like, all your friends are lesbians. You know you're in a different sort of status now, right?

[Danielle] It's kind of a strange position to be in because, you know, for most of my life, I was very butch. I had my hair shaved.

[Andy] Oh, Danielle was the one. Yeah.

[Danielle] I was definitely. And then we've our roles have kind of changed our relationship where, you know, I grew my hair out and he cut his hair off.

[Andy] Danielle cuts my hair for COVID. She gave me this beautiful hawk. Yes, it's my first mohawk.

[Danielle] So you know, you're not visibly queer anymore. I guess is the thing is that you kind of so you think, where do I fit into the... I don't really fit into the lesbian or the queer visually, you know, I still definitely feel like I fit in into that.

[Andy] See, I still think people see me as female when I walk around.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy]So I don't feel like... I think you're still visible at this point. I wear a lot of colorful stuff.

[Danielle] Yeah, it's you know, it's. I think it is what it is, but one day though, right?

[Andy] Yeah, one day I think it's going to be very, very different. I'm going to stick with this and I'm going to go full beard and lumberjack it up, I think.

[Danielle] Well, maybe it's hard because you've kind of gone through most of your visible transition during COVID.

[Andy] Many people who come to me and do the, you know, think I'm a man or and then say sir and then say, sorry, they look at me and they get confused. And yeah, I get a lot of sirs at first, I think and then they look at me and then they second guess it and they apologize. So that's been happening quite a bit. Your family and my friends and like people who have known me and my dead named transitioning to Andy, and he him, I think, has been a challenge for some people.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] I was really lucky. I was working at a place that there was someone who was non-binary and I remember it being a transition for me. And then even in myself calling myself Andy all the time, like I went through a transition with it as well.

And so I try not to. I don't react to people as much. I think if it doesn't, if it happens, I hear it. I definitely hear it and it, but I just glad to be here.

[Danielle] I think you take on that teacher role. I think that's who you are. And, you know, formally being a teacher, I think you still have those qualities where you want to teach people.

[Andy] Sometimes they also say something that.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] I feel, yeah, I feel like I'm. Trying to make it easy for people as well, but I shouldn't like everyone's like, you don't have to tell your story to everyone and teach the world like, that's not my job. I shouldn't have to stop it because that's a lot to take on. But yeah, lately I think I just... People will realize it themselves, and that'll be a bigger teacher because they'll feel embarrassed and they'll be like, Oh, next time I'll do that.

[Danielle] I haven't seen you happier.

[Andy] Really?

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Yeah?

[Danielle] I think in terms of your mental health, it's definitely been.

[Andy] Yeah, I.

[Danielle] I Don't know what.

[Andy] Yeah.

I struggled from when I was a little kid. Like, we came from a lower socioeconomic upbringing. I'd say. Like my parents were, blue collared workers, is what you call them? And life was, you had what you needed, always. But it wasn't always the nice fancy things that everyone else in class had. And so it was rougher.

It was it was harder. And I think around 17 or 18 and coming out, I struggled with my identity. I struggled with the sexuality and a poor girl, I had slept with a girl for the first time, and I think a week later ended up in the hospital and she thought it was totally her. And it wasn't. But I just, I did a lot of years of counseling to help, and I'm in a really good place right now. And I think that it evened things out better, like everyone struggles with their own mental health and, you know, just feeling more balanced within the day starting hormones, I didn't expect that to happen. Just calmer. Peace, peaceful, right?

So we've had a we've had a struggle with family life, and I can see Danielle sort of welling up a little bit to like your eyes got glassy.

We have always wanted to have children, both of us and quite quickly in a relationship, I think realized that we'd be great parents and had good skill set that we could share and tried a lot of routes like we went the fertility route. And we were both. We both struggled with weight at that time where Daniel's lost 50lb in COVID. She's doing excellent. But, you know, we both had a hard time getting pregnant and then we thought, you know, do we? We're trying to work out. But like, is there anything we can do in terms of maybe adopting or fostering?

Are you open to that? And we decided we were both, it didn't have to be our biological child. We just had a lot of love to give to a child that needed it. And so we decided to become adopt, adopt ready parents. We have to do pride training for that. That's what they call it. I always thought it was special. Must be for us. And we waited how many years?

[Danielle] Four years.

[Andy] Four years, being ready and everything approved and the ups and downs of like you go to these events where they put kids profiles out on tables. And it's like a meat market of places that you can; OK, I'm interested in that one. And then you're fighting with someone behind you. You're like, No, I'm going to be a better parent with that one because we're doctors.

I mean. It was a horrible experience, so we finally got matched to one. And then right before they were supposed to start visits with us, I guess we got told that the foster parent wanted to keep the child and they thought that was a better fit, so it didn't upset the attachment.

And we grieved that because we knew the whole story. We knew what to expect. We were we were ready and it was a loss, a big loss. And then we thought, OK, do we keep waiting? We're getting older. Like.

You know, I'm starting to get gray hairs now. Things are happening like that. And we thought, Well, why don't we foster? If we foster, maybe we'll have an opportunity to... Then if a child becomes available, then have them come permanently into our home, right?

[Danielle] And I think it was important that we were upfront with them right away, that you were trans and this was our family. And you know, you know, are they going to be accepting of that? Or, you know.

[Andy] That's what will fit. Yeah, we couldn't have it with a kid that didn't.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Yeah.

But kids are like sponges. They just eat up what you tell them. And like, she started asking me, Why do you wear boys clothes? So we ended up fostering, by the way. So we have our foster child now.

And she's like, Yeah, why? Why is your hair like that? Why do you wish? I kept wondering where I was wearing certain clothes out to places. And so we talked to her and I said, You know, like, this is how I feel most comfortable.

This is who I am and how I want to express myself. And I hope you want me to feel comfortable and happy to do that. And she was like, Of course.

[Danielle] And I think even before we had told her or kind of explained it to her about Andy being trans, she right away asked Andy, "Can I call you, dad? Is it OK if you can be my Dad,

[Andy] Oh. Melted my heart.

[Danielle] And this was pretty early on when she was here. And yeah. So, you know, I think, you know, kids know a lot more than they can pick up on things.

[Andy] And she, on Father's Day, she wrote me, drew me a little picture, and she can barely spell like she's challenged in her spelling, but she can affirm my gender. She gave me like little stubble and a mustache and like, amazing.

You know, what more can you ask for? So I'm going to hold on to that picture forever, I think.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] That's good because I was nervous. I didn't know how she would take it.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy]And yeah, she's been pretty. She's been pretty amazing. I feel I feel awkward going to her Catholic school sometimes.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Do you?

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] And just all the other parents, I'm like, Oh, that's the kid. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if they do that, but I think about that.

[Danielle] Yeah, we worry about those kind of things. So especially in a Christian organization that is not too accepting of...

[Andy] Well, they won't put the flags on. Yeah.

Yeah.

So with every new foster, you don't get a choice as to where the child goes because there was a really nice school right around the corner that she could have gone to.

But so we'll see.

We just found out today, actually, that she might be leaving us like, right before you came, we got a letter. It's a possibility we're going to we're going to find out. So we're in a limbo. So our hearts have been flipped turned.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Excitement. She's coming. I remember waiting at the door the day she was coming on, staring out the window. You couldn't get me away from the door. I was so excited.

[Danielle] Yeah, that's what it is, right?

[Andy] Yeah.

[Danielle] So we have family in a in a different way, and it's it's not the traditional way that we experience family or the schema that you were brought up with.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] And I think that was the trouble to like when I tried to take a leave from work and met with some trouble there and being told that like, we weren't parents like they quoted you or not, parents, you do not get leave.

So challenges, that was a that was a big challenge.

[Danielle] Yes.

[Andy] Come to think of it.

[Danielle] Being treated differently, like you're going off on the sleeve to take care of a child. And you know everybody else when they were going off in that leave or, you know, oh, got a present, and a party and then you were kind of there was a meeting planned right at the end and you thought, Oh.

[Andy] Yeah, there was a meeting, and I thought everyone was going to be there because it was online. COVID had started. And it was just my boss checking in on how much work I did that day.

[Danielle] And that disappointment that, you know, a week earlier, someone went off on that leave and got this whole big party.

[Andy] I donated to that. Not the not that I needed to present. I don't mean that, but it's the whole. When you're a manager, you're fair to everyone and you include. So I felt very othered. And then being told that I couldn't have the leave. And then it was like October. Like I asked before she had come to our home and it wasn't until February when I got approval to be off for 35 weeks.

So they felt like it took months and months. So think of every day not knowing if you have to go back to work or like what's going to happen with your kid or how are you going to? Now you've got to get child care.

It was like very hectic and like, emotionally draining.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Um.

And then, yeah, just now being asked if we're interested in putting forth any intent to adopt that puts us in a totally different. It's a fine line from the government's through the ESA. And if you don't cross that border exactly this boundary, you get all the. But that's what I said to them, like, this is how we have our family. This is how we tried to expand our family in other ways, and this is how we have to do it. And I need to leave to attach with my child and they wouldn't give it to me. It was a fight.

That was a challenge. And so you would expect them to be treating their employees. I think with more respect with the laws that are out there, the Legislature that's out there created by the same body, and I felt not treated that way too.

And I think because I was just about to go on a transition like start my transition and I thought I can either go off on a leave medical leave because I didn't want to be in a place that I didn't feel comfortable.

Like it wasn't talked about compared to my other social work agencies that I worked at.

[Danielle] Which were very queer positive.

[Andy] Yeah, and they, you know, you go round the table at a meeting and you introduce your pronouns, and that was the way of things, but it was not like that at all. And so I didn't feel safe.

You know, just being on a team without some discussion and some. So I thought OK, I'll either take a leave or choose the parental leave. And I talked to my union and they felt that it was better to take the parental leave. But then it was like, No, you can't have it. And then they said, Oh, you're already on this because I had started.

I said, I have to be off this stay. The child's coming into my home. Special needs, you know, I have to be there.

I think the great thing about our futures is that we know it'll be together because we both enjoy the same things. We're very outdoorsy and nature, and that's why we wanted to live in a home with trees surrounding it and be able to have animals like your little puppy that you had a whole park if put her down and have the chickens, really love doing that. But I think just being somewhere where there's places to kayak. I think a house like you make the home wherever you go.

We'll be here for a few years. We have something that is strong, found a house. We lived in Hamilton, I guess, was our first house and moved here and bought something that was half done. So we've been putting little bits and little bits into it and building it.

It's sort of a... Do you feel like.

[Danielle] Block by block.

[Andy] Block by block. But like each project we do, do you feel more affinity towards the house and the land and just being here?

[Danielle] Yeah. We're in a very supportive community. So you know, we're very privileged to be where we are today.

[Andy] I think coming from such a hard place. Going through, you know, coming out as being gay and not being accepted right away and fighting for that. And then, yeah, I think a lot of people just thought I was nutty. Because I was dealing with, you know, being OK and finding that identity within myself. It's a it's like going into a cave and then you get to the back of the cave and there's a little crack and you go through the crack and it opens up into another cave.

And I just, it took me a little longer than most people. I guess I feel old doing this by, you know, by the time I'm fully transitioned and feeling myself, I think I'll probably be bald and part of it, right?

I think we've come up with like a whole bunch of advice that we'd give others in terms of thinking, you know, just get talking to someone and sharing and not holding things in. I mean, you've got to be ready because let's face it, there's still real true things that can be done to you and consequences. So you want to be safe and make sure it's a safe person, but get talking to those people and realizing that there's others out there that you're part of the community.

It was really great about this project because when I was introduced to it and I started watching videos, there was two or three people that I've come in contact with. I used to work with Heidi and Peterborough, and I know Cash. And so it's great to feel like I'm part of a community and everything I've been a part of, I know it's not the best place, but there's little Facebook groups that you can join and people, any time you need something, they're there for you. So it'd be great to get connected and feel supported. You told me I don't have to be anywhere yet. Like, I felt like I wasn't male. I wasn't female. I didn't fit this box or that box. And you said, like, why does there have to be a box?

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] And not, you know, pushing yourself to fit into that yet.

[Danielle] I think your personality is very black and white and you struggle with the gray. Yeah.

[Andy] Trying to find the gray?

Yeah. Well. There is such a thing as non-binary. Is that right in the middle in terms of all that stuff?

My trans journey gets better with every step, every day, and every moment. To the place that I want to be. And I just. Want to encourage others to take those steps and walk, to move. Don't stay stagnant. There's great things out there. 

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Meet Cash (He/Him)

What follows is a transcript from Cash's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/r7WsU450a0g

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So, my name is Cash and I am 28 years old from Northern Ontario. I’m currently a student at Algoma University and I’m completing my fourth year Bachelor of Honors in - sorry Bachelor of Arts, Honors in Sociology and Law and Justice combined. After graduation I’m hoping to pursue a master's degree in criminology. 

So, I identify as a transgender man. I lean a little bit more towards more of a non-binary kind of presentation. I go by the pronouns he/him. I’m okay with they/them as well. Like I don't really kind of plan around my identity too much, with the exception of, you know, I do prefer to present more masculine. That's always been something that I’ve been most comfortable with, kind of my whole life growing up, I always found that anything that was overly feminine presentation wise was uncomfortable to me. But in terms of interest it's anywhere from sports to crafting and kind of everything in between basically. 

Where I feel stuck is, like feeling like there has to be a binary. Like I have to be - I have to pick a category, kind of in order to be recognized. And that's definitely something I’m still working on because when someone says they/them, I love it, because I’m like yes! Like you've got it! Like no. When they say he/him, like that's fine too. Like I’m fine with either one, but sometimes I’ll be like, you know, I’m going to tell someone, like, I’m a man and it's like, that doesn't feel right either. Like you know,I want to present, I want to do you know, everything that makes me comfortable, masculinity wise kind of presentation wise. But, like, when it comes to, you know, people talking about men or talking about what it means to be kind of CIS men, CIS male, I think there's so much work to be done in that area that, you know, if I can try to help kind of shape that differently I would like to but I also think that what makes me more comfortable is non-binary, you know, claiming that. Claiming non-binary. And being allowed to claim that even though I want to present masculine because I think that's where a lot of people struggle. It's like well I can't be non-binary if I’m more feminine, or more masculine. I think that's kind of what we have to get away from, is the labeling of kind of what you have to do, what you can do, or what you should not do in terms of your gender and being transgender or and what not. I think that's that's where we do a lot of damage. 

So when it came to kind of discovering or learning to basically understand my gender I would say I was really young when I knew that, you know, female presentation and description wasn't for me but at the same time I didn't really have the words to express that. Growing up there was never any familiarity, there was never any like awareness essentially of what transgender meant. And definitely not what non-binary meant, so to me it never really made sense. But as I was growing up my mom was very, you know, she had the one daughter so she definitely wanted me to be you know her daughter, her princess. You know because of her occupation, she's in the beauty industry, so she liked me to do my makeup and my hair and you know, have the pretty feminine kind of clothing happening. I was never comfortable with that. I did express it but you know my mom did the best she can with what she knew right? I don't think that she had any kind of understanding or you know familiarity either no exposure to what transgender really meant. 

It wasn't until I kind of got into my I would say early 20s that I was really... there was more representation in general, but especially in the media, for transgender individuals. So I know that initially I came out as bisexual. That kind of made sense to me that's kind of still how I would I would say I identify. It's either you know bisexual or queer basically. I find queer be a little bit more all-encompassing. But yeah so from there I had actually, I was watching... I think I was just watching something on MTV. I think it was catfish or something like that and I was introduced to IO Tillett Wright, and he now has come out and identifies as transgender and at the time I believe that his pronouns were they/them. It kind of made sense to me kind of in that moment. I was like oh there's there's someone else out there who identifies kind of in the middle, for lack of a better word. I still didn't know what it meant to be non-binary. At that time I was, I want to say 20, 23 around there, so from there I kind of just started looking more into like the queer community in general and kind of what it meant. I started with Instagram. I slowly kind of you know started with the stereotypical lesbian Instagram, and from there I was introduced to transgender men and that was the first time in my entire life that I had heard of a transgender man that I had you know seen right in front of me that another transgender man existed.

So I started following those accounts and kind of as I seen those individuals be comfortable with themselves and you know the before and after pictures were a really big thing. You know because how I always felt was that I didn't present I guess masculine enough that maybe I was too feminine prior that maybe I can't possibly be a transgender man. You know if I was that binary I guess, that bound to femininity. So being able to see that you know so many other transgender men had had that same kind of level of femininity and still you know realized who they were authentically, like their authentic selves, move forward with the transition. And that's kind of how I became comfortable with it and realized that it fit me. You know it was there all along just that you know I didn't have the words to express it. My parents definitely didn't.

So I came out kind of to the first person I would say more more privately would have been summer of 2016. And then by early 2017 I was you know more out to more people and I had come out at my college. You know I still hadn't gone through like a haircut or anything like that. I was going by Cash at that time. My pronouns were still she/her and so yeah like reflecting back on that time, that was a really difficult time. There was a lot of mistakes made that I definitely wish that I could go back on differently and definitely there was a lot of emotional pain that I caused other people that you know was not intentional at the time. Reflecting back those decisions absolutely should have been different, but it was a really difficult time when you're trying to figure out who you are and how you integrate into society as who you want to be. And then kind of casually as I just you know lived my life and moved forward, I was able to you know... the college situation didn't work out, so I went to to the university and that's where I really thrived. That's where I definitely grew. So yeah I credit a lot of it to that and being able to be who I am and learn more about gender and sexuality, what it means, you know how to construct it differently, how to deconstruct what I already knew, what I had already learned. 

So I was able to grow grow in that manner so that's definitely been definitely a positive for me and I was able you know through that experience you know with those individuals supporting me and helping me through that process that I was able to realize you know hormones are what I wanted, top surgery was not only what I wanted, but definitely what I needed and I was able to pursue those avenues, not easily, so yeah that was kind of my navigation through the actual transition part of it, from social transition moving into physical transition. 

I think the biggest thing that stands out to me right now that I’m still struggling with is how to feel comfortable in the body that I have, because unfortunately you can't change everything, right? So I’m not sure if it's entirely possible, I hope it is, but I’m not sure it's entirely possible to get your body to a point where every single thing fits the narrative that you've been taught, that you've been socialized to understand as masculine. So you know I look in the mirror and I still see my hips and I’m like you know those are not man hips. And I look at my hands and I think, okay those are too feminine. And so it's kind of working through not necessarily how to always change all of that to fit my idea, but kind of how to construct my knowledge today, my current knowledge, with the idea that it's okay that not every single part of my body fits some sort of predetermined criteria for masculinity. And that it's okay to still you know perform my gender you know, live my authentic self in a way that head to toe doesn't have to match just for every single aspect of my body. And also at the same time learning to understand for myself but also when it comes to representation and when you're having you know when there's dialogue about what it means to be transgender is that you don't have to undergo surgery or take hormones to qualify for lack of a better word as a category within transgender right you don't have to have top surgery, to have you know your chest tissue removed in order to be considered a valid trans man or someone who is able to navigate their life in a way that they want to use he/him pronouns and you know they don't want facial hair. Whatever body part or aspect of their body they're still comfortable with they are still transgender man. They are still he/him. They are masculine. 

I do think what we need a little bit more work on is kind of making sure that we're validating people's gender the way that they think that it fits them rather than how we see it based on what we've been taught and how we've been socialized into that. Because I think that puts a lot of pressure on people to kind of meet some sort of standard that can be really damaging, I think, if they don't have the means or even just the you know internal comfort level to pursue that. 

So when it comes to coming out, I think the concept of coming out is a difficult one because I think a lot of people are under the impression that you come out once and then you're done, and I wish it were that easy. Unfortunately it's not, so I would say that being able to you know come out initially there was that huge weight that was kind of off my chest, off my shoulders. It was like, okay, I can do this now. People know. You feel like it kind of gives you the room internally, emotionally, mentally, to process what it means to do something different gender wise. We like to think that we all have the same experience growing up, that we all have the same encounters and the same you know just general living environments but the world is a big place and and you know, different countries have different challenges and you know different hurdles, so coming out is definitely complex. It sometimes feels like a goal for people feeling that way it's like I have to come out. And how it changes your life I think is what you have to consider. There's undoubtedly good. I don't have any regrets with coming out. You know it's kind of an if I could go back thing, of course I would do things differently along the way, I would make better choices, I would you know factor in the people around me and how my choices and my words and the things that I say and do, what will impact them. But I think I kept myself at the forefront, and that was what I had to do and I think to some extent that's what I still have to do, by being cognizant of the fact that there are different people in my life with different needs and I try to manage that. 

So I was diagnosed with depression, kind of clinically, at 12. You know I look at a 12 year old right now and I can't fathom that. That is just so young. So I grew up you know I went through my teen years, my first puberty as I call it, very depressed and angry a lot of despair, and not not knowing why. In hindsight I know why, but not really understanding that. 

So there came a point where I didn't think I was gonna graduate elementary school, and then that happened. And I didn't think I was gonna make it to the other side of high school, and then that happened. And I would always reflect forward. and people would you know they kind of ask where do you think he'll be in five years, and I could never really come to terms that I would really survive.

You know, that's kind of the reality of deep depression I think, is that you don't really see your future the way that you would like to think that people should be able to see into their future. So yeah, before I came out there was definitely no comprehending a successful future, better yet like a happy one. So there's that kind of freedom that comes with coming out. And like I said, there's definitely loss. I can't say that I would undo what I’ve lost in order to go back to who I was. Like I wouldn't go and back and say well you know if I could just go back and have all these people back... definitely not, because that just undoes the work that I’ve done to myself to to get somewhere in my life where I can move forward and be successful and happy, and with my goals at least to help other people also feel happy and comfortable in themselves.

The depression doesn't go away. It's not that easy, that takes a lot of work. A lot of things to work through. But it's definitely to a point where you can for me at least I can visualize a future that exists basically. 

The future that I envisioned for myself now is someone who is confident enough and comfortable enough with themselves that they can go forward and make meaningful change even just on a small scale. You know, I’m not out to change the world. I don't think any one human being is you know... it's not possible for one human being to do that. I think that takes a very large collective. You know, collective societies are what make change possible. 

So I think my goal is just to be part of a collective society that moves forward making meaningful, positive change that doesn't result in anyone's further oppression. 

It's important to kind of take your own experiences and at least, you know, you have your hardships and everything that I’ve gone through, to get to this point, that I kind of want to do something with it, that I can get at least one other person feeling, you know, confident in themselves and happy and like they can have their own future. 

You know social research is an area that I become really interested in through my university, through my education. As I was going through my own research project that I need to obtain my honors degree bachelor of arts and honors, I love it. And I think that it can, you know, all it can do is kind of build one more stepping stone that we have towards getting some sort of change, even on a... again like I said on a small scale, especially, you know, I grew up in Northern Ontario. I’m still here. So my research was with local law enforcement how, we can do better training with the LGBTQ+ community, and ensuring that you know institutions that were kind of built on oppression and founded in the nature of marginalization and othering, that were holding them accountable by saying, hey you know what this our experience this is what we need from you. This is how you can work with us. How we can work together to do it. So my research kind of helped highlight the areas that we need some work, and the next step is kind of how do we do that, and how do we move forward with that so that it becomes kind of standard, so that we don't ever have to you know look at institutions such as policing and think well I wonder if they even know what transgender is? Or will they even understand when I tell them these are my pronouns? That's something that I think like, kind of those basics is where we need to start. So the research that I’ve done personally kind of revealed a starting point. 

I do think that's that's based on location, definitely for sure. Again, Northern Ontario is so kind of secluded, not the most secluded in Canada, but definitely away from a lot of resources and representation in general. You know you go down to Toronto, even Ottawa and there's so much more visibility in general, and I think with visibility comes knowledge. So being kind of out of the way like we are down here is, well up here I guess, is difficult. And that's right from you know Sudbury to Sault Ste Marie. I think Thunder Bay is working on stuff but again they're still quite north, so they're you know... They have a larger population so they can move forward a little bit but there's a lot of barriers to that when everything is so central in the core and our core is Toronto, so... 

Sometimes it just feels like it's so big because again I think sometimes we come into it thinking that we have to reach some sort of milestone or you know there's some sort of end to the journey kind of transgender and I don't think there is, because I think society changes too fast. Things change too fast. You know a journey is just that. There's not often a destination. I don't know if I would want there to be a destination because I think that would be boring. I think we would stop growing I think, in you know becoming better as a society if there was some sort of you know "you've reached it" type of destination. So I think that's the same with gender. I mean we want to evolve it in a way that everyone feels valid and feels like they can be who they are. So I think we just have to be open to and willing to kind of guide people on their journey without making them feel like you know they have to reach a destination to be successful to be happy and authentic.

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Meet Kermmitt (He/Him)

What follows is a transcript from Kermmitt's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/EF1kilW-Bck

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Hello, my name is Kermit Crowley. I am a 19 year old, disabled transman. 

My identity hasn't changed too much over the years. I've always identified as masculine in some way. Early days, I need more towards gender fluid and then I was non-binary masculine for a while and now I'm just straight binary trans man. Discovering it was a process. The world has always felt off to me in some way. It was very tricky to put my finger on what was wrong and what was going on. 

I didn't really understand it. And then puberty hit and things started spiraling and getting a lot worse and harder to deal with and I didn't know why I felt the way I did but I did and it was so strong and then I started discovering characters in the media that were similar to me. Characters who were endogenous, they didn't particularly care what people read them as gender-wise and were often mistaken for, or intentionally dressed as masculine in some way shape or form, or were read as masculine in some way shape or form. And I thought that's what I want to be, that's who I can identify with, this makes sense to me, this is what's most comfortable for me this is what I want out of my life experience. 

And I didn't really understand it, and then I just by chance started stumbling upon labels like transgendered non-binary things like that and it didn't quite click at first. I spent a good amount of time just sitting there like I want to be that so badly. I want it more than anything else but I'm not that and I don't understand what's wrong and what's going on and I just want to be this. And then finally one day, I was just sitting there and it just kind of clicked and place, like if I want it so bad that probably means that I am in it. There's not really any other qualifiers, that's just what it is is basically. And from there everything clicked into place, everything maybe sense, everything just kind of snapped and all of a sudden I just had this understanding of myself that I had never had before and it felt amazing. 

Before I came out was - it was an odd time. I wasn't really present in the world and in my life. I was just kind of floating by doing whatever I was told basically. I just wasn't really there or connected with life, the world around me. Then when puberty hit I started going down a really bad depression spiral. I was so stressed all the time and I didn't understand what was happening to me or why, even though I knew some of the science behind it. I still couldn't wrap my head around why it was happening to me specifically and why it felt so wrong. 

Coming out has been one hell of a journey, I came out very, very soon after I figured it out myself, and it was very sudden for the people around me. Nobody really fully wanted to accept it or understand it at first except for my oldest sibling who has been amazing throughout all of these years and is now out of the closet and this non-binary themselves, but everybody else was very confused and they thought I was confused and I had a lot of people who straight up thought that I was out of my mind insane. They didn't want to listen to me. They didn't want to take me seriously in any way. There were some people I had to come out to at least five times to get any modicum of respect or just anything other than being misgendered by the pronouns that were assigned at birth.

Coming out has given me an understanding of myself but is completely invaluable to me. I struggle a lot with something called alexithymia where you struggle to know what your own emotions are and how to communicate them with other people. 

But coming out has really given me a connection to my own emotions, my own psychology that I never would have had otherwise. I just wasn't present enough to be there to figure it out. And it's given me names for problems that I never would have been able to pinpoint before, like dysphoria, things like that. And if it's given me an understanding of what medical treatment I need in order to actually combat my depression and anxiety issues and live my life the best that I can. 

My life has a lot of ups and downs and I still have a lot of struggles today especially transition wise, trying to get the medical care I need. People don't really talk about it here, but the medical transphobia and ableism here is absolutely insane sometimes. I have had actual psychiatrists who were - their beliefs and ideologies were that I should not exist basically. And, Having dealt with those people they have basically made things completely inaccessible to me in devastating ways. But it's also - I have a community now and I have people who care about me and people who understand I have friends who know what it's like, I have family members who love me. I have so many people now and I'm able to be myself and I'm able to live my life and be present. 

Before I came out. I didn't really know what my life was going to be like but I had a very hard time picturing myself being able to live past a certain age. Whether it was because my life circumstances didn't seem like I would make it there or because I didn't want to make it there. But now I am hopeful. I'm really hopeful for my future. I've always been a little bit of a pessimist in some ways, but I think nowadays I have possibly the brightest outlook on what my future can be I've ever had in my entire life. 

I think my biggest dreams are of course transitioning but other than that I would say I want to go to acting school. I want to learn to be an actor and I want to be able to act on stage and possibly in front of the screen and I want to - I want to live with, I want to move in with the people who mean the most to me. 

I face quite a few issues. I still struggle with depression related to dysphoria and accessing the transition care that I need is very very difficult for me. I have to find people who will overwrite what previous medical professionals have said so that I am able to access transitional care that I may need. And I have some disability issues that also affect exactly what kind of transitional care that I am able to receive. 

I have a kind of a few comorbid ones. The biggest one is that I am autistic and with that means I have sensory issues. I have difficulty reading social cues and communicating in general but I also struggle with alexithymia, which makes figuring myself out and communicating that to the world very difficult paths. I also have some physical issues specifically with my skeleton. I have some skeletal issues. My bones don't like to stay in the right place. Specifically my hips and I have some issues with my skull that make it hard for, first of all everything to stay connected the way it's supposed to, but also for things like oxygen and blood circulation to get wherever they're supposed to be. 

One of the biggest issues that I've struggled with is my hypersensitivities. I am hypersensitive to pain and that means that certain medical treatments are not as accessible to me as they would be for other people such as injections, needles; I cannot do those at all. So I rely on alternatives to those that are often a lot more expensive and harder to get a hold of. 

Buckle up, there's a lot coming. Those 10 years are going to be rough as hell and you're going to lose a lot and you're going to have to fight in order to keep a lot but you're also going to gain the most precious things in the entire world to you and that's going to be worth every single thing in the world. 

I would remind myself. How much and how hard we have fought for everything in our life, even if people don't think we have, we have fought and we have fought hard and long for everything in our life. And don't forget that. Don't forget that other people are still fighting and don't forget to be kind to those people as much as you can, still being healthy to yourself, but also just celebrate. Celebrate your life how far you've come. Celebrate all the victories in your life. 

Well what kind of guides me in life is; one, the people that I love and that I am closest to who offer me support and love and care and just happiness, fun. Those people mean the world to me, but also just, the world is imperfect and it will never be perfect. Perfect is a myth. It's unattainable by anybody and a lot of people forget that, and forget that perfection is non-existent and it never will exist but that doesn't mean that everything is bad or that life isn't worth living or things like that. 

Some of the most beautiful things in the entire universe are beautiful because of their imperfection. And it's worth it just to see what those are and what life brings. 

People can help by listening when people talk about this stuff. Don't shy away from it, even if it's uncomfortable, even if it doesn't make sense to you. Just listen and take people seriously and respect them above all else. If you cannot offer anything, offer respect as a bare minimum. 

Make sure that you are learning as much as you can about the issues that people like myself and people in the trans community and other minority communities face. Learn about those issues and fight for us. Even if you don't belong to a minority group yourself, fight for us. We are vulnerable and we need the support. People all over the world are suffering and struggling because people don't understand and don't take the time to understand properly. There's a lot of lies and misinformation out there of this kind of thing and a lot of people are just trying to make other people angry and scared and afraid but we are not scary we just want to live.

Don't be afraid of weirdness, don't be afraid of things out of the ordinary, embrace the uniqueness of the world around you and all that it offers you in return, embrace it and learn about it curiosity is one of humanity's greatest strengths. 

You don't have to be scared of what that might bring and what that might reveal.

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