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Hi, I’m Kelly.
I’m part of the Trans Canada project, and this is my story.
I’m not the kind of girl that
wants to be on the shiny side of the camera.
I was born prince albert Saskatchewan
way out west, and north, and a while ago. Not telling how long ago; it's a
girl's secret!
I’ve kind of known that I was not
really a boy since I was about four or five. I didn't have the vocabulary to
describe it. I had no idea what it was I just felt wrong. I didn't feel like I fit
in.
I’m not really sure how to
describe it. It wasn't until puberty that I really noticed I was developing in
a way that really wasn't what I was expecting and I kind of expected to grow up
to be a girl and I didn't. And honestly, I was devastated. High school was a
bit of a blur I kind of forgot and kind of dozed my way through high school. I could
have done substantially better, but I was quite upset with my lot in life.
I had a great childhood, great
parents, a brother who still adores me, and loves me, and counts me as his
sister now, which is absolutely precious to me. He's a wonderful human being,
and my parents are actually coming around. I didn't go through a really hyper
masculine phase like some people do but I did find a girl that I connected with
really well, and we got married and we had six children (one at a time) and I loved
being a parent. I really, really wanted to be the mom. I really wanted to carry
those kids inside me, and I was jealous of my wife and a little jealous of the
daughters that we had.
Again, for the longest time I wished
I was a girl, prayed that I was gonna be a girl, went to bed crying and praying
that I would be you know instantly a girl, the next morning everything would be
fixed. I was miserable but I didn't have a bad childhood and I didn't have a
bad life. I had a decent career. I had a great family, had a great wife. I had
great parents. Like I said, my brother was awesome. My in-laws were great. I had
some really good friends that I made at church and at work that have stuck with
me to this day, a long, long time later, but I had this horrible secret in the
back of my head and it eventually started gnawing away in a way that made it
more and more difficult over time to function. It was stealing bandwidth. It
was stealing space, processing power, time. It was consuming more time, until I
got so consumed with it and so upset with it that I really lost track of
everything else in reality and I wasn't a good parent. I wasn't present. I was
so consumed by this I ultimately tried to commit suicide. It scared me. It kind
of woke me up.
This was 2008, and I sought help.
I went to my doctor and told him
that I was suicidal, and he prescribed anti-depressants and we talked to a
psychiatrist. I started talking about getting involved with a counselor of some
sort to talk about it, but I never told anybody I was trans.
After doing some research on the
internet I discovered that there was such a thing as transgender and it blew me
away, because that was me. I didn't know what it was before. I had no language
for it. I just knew that I should have been a girl. I didn't know there was
such a thing as transgender and there was a way out, but it didn't feel like
there was a way out for me.
I eventually went to see a
specialist, a gender therapist, and we talked for months and they concluded yes,
I am indeed transgender. I do indeed suffer from gender dysphoria and there was
actually a way of treating it in a way that would be positive for me in the future,
with hormones. I suppressed that for a number of years and the depression got
worse not better. I tried various different types of therapy, but I never told
any of the medical professionals in my life that I was transgender. I didn't
think it was possible for me to come out, for me to transition.
There are stories of all kinds of
transgender women living wonderful lives and having come out and having
achieved what I never thought was possible for me. I eventually, after a lot of
soul searching and a couple of other brushes with suicidal thoughts, came out
to my mother, who hugged me and said welcome to womanhood. And yet I was still
not going to do anything about it. I told her that I came out to my wife and
she said that explained so much. I’m glad you told me. And I promised her that
I wouldn't do anything, and we stayed married three years after that.
Our marriage wasn't doing
particularly well at that point and a lot of it had to do with my depression
and my inability to function well as a parent and as a marriage partner. My
transness was consuming so much of my mental bandwidth. There wasn't enough
left over for all the other things I had to do as a parent and as a marriage
partner, as a friend, as a sibling, as a child of my parents. I let a lot of
people down, including myself.
I finally told my doctor that I was
transgender, and he said thank you for trusting me with that. I still wasn't
going to do anything about it. I talked to my endocrinologist about it, who had
discovered my cancer and helped me get past my thyroid cancer, and she
basically said no, I will not prescribe hormones for you, I don't treat people
like you. I was devastated. I actually wasn't even asking for hormones. I just
wanted to tell her that I was transgender.
It wasn't until my wife and I separated
and I moved in with my parents that I really got serious help with a
psychologist, and got into some intense therapy to deal with the depression and
my psychology with my psychiatrist dealing with the medication and me being
away from the toxic environment at home and my kids being away from me who was
being toxic at the time as well.
I was able to start healing I wouldn't
have been able to do that at home. My wife started healing as well, from the
relationship that we had that wasn't good for us. I lived with my parents for
two years and I finally told my parents that I was trans and that I wanted to
do something about it, which is different from what I said four or five years
before when I talked to my mom the first time. I finally found the courage to
talk to my psychologist about being trans and then finding a transgender
therapist that I could talk to about gender-specific items, things, and found a
doctor that was specializing in transgender patients and hormone therapy and an
endocrinologist that actually supported that.
Ultimately in December of 2020 I moved
to my own apartment back here, near my kids and my wife. My wife and I got
legally separated. We dealt with that and very shortly after, within a week or
so of moving into my own place, I transitioned fully, full time. I ripped the
band-aid off. There was no reason to wait. There was no reason to hold back. I was
absolutely desperate to be myself. I was holding back, and holding back, and it
was painful, and it was destructive, and I finally had the courage and the
opportunity to do it, and when I came out to my brother, he basically said okay
so you're my sister.
I told my wife that I was going
to transition, and she was actually supportive. I told my kids and they said “okay”.
So I told a number of friends that were quite supportive and I told my clients
and one of them basically said “I don't really care what you wear. I just hire
you to solve problems”. So I was in a position where I could transition and I did
and I did aggressively and completely and after being on anti-antidepressants
for so many years, and they helped regulate my mood; they helped soften the roller
coaster - emotional rollercoaster I was on.
The anti-androgens really calmed
me down. They so totally got rid of - the only way I could describe it is a
kind of an angry little buzz in the back of my head that I never knew was there
until it was gone - and the blessed peace that came from that! Oh, I do not
miss testosterone at all! The estrogen took a little longer to do stuff.
I live almost daily in a state of
joy. I don't remember ever being joyful before. Happy, certainly. Content,
absolutely. And you know … but actual joy? I didn't know that was possible! I didn't
know that was a thing, and to feel so completely myself for the first time in
my life, I didn't know that was possible. I didn't know that was a thing. I didn't
know I could have that. I hated what I looked like. I couldn't stand looking in
the mirror my entire life. I didn't take care of my appearance. I didn't look
in the mirror. I did not want to have anything to do myself with myself.
I didn't really know why. I never
really was able to put my finger on it. I didn't have the vocabulary to
describe it until I found out that I was trans, and even then, I was just
unhappy with who I turned out to be. Now I wake up in the morning, my hair is
all frizzled, I have no makeup on, and I look like crap, and I go look in the
mirror, and I smile! It makes me happy. I never had that before my entire life.
I get up early in the morning now.
My brother said, “I’m more surprised that you get up in the morning early than
I am that you're a girl”. I used to stay up till three four o'clock in the
morning and then sleep until two in the afternoon I was completely useless
around the house. I was losing business. I was losing friends. I was losing my
family. I was so depressed I couldn't function. Now I get up early in the morning,
put on some music, dance, and then communicate with a bunch of people - network
with a bunch of people. I was such an introvert before. Now I’m joining women's
groups and networking with people for business and for pleasure, just to meet
people. Just to be part of something. I’m happy with myself. I’m actually happy,
and I can say that and it's true. I’m content with myself and I find joy in
life. Not many people get to say that.
And I’m lucky that I survived my
depression long enough to be able to get here. I have a future. I actually have
a future now.
I wish I’d done it earlier. But I
didn't. But I’m so glad that I transitioned, because for me the alternative… the
alternative was not being around at all.
This is so much better.
This is my life. This is my story.
And I smile now. I’m happy with
myself. I’m happy with my friends. I’m happy with my family. I’m happy with me.
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