Meet Andy (He/Him)

What follows is a transcript from Andy''s video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/Ueie5Wy6RsQ

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Hi, I'm Andy, and it took me a long time to get that name, but it was actually a name I used to call myself when I was a kid and I used to record myself, you know, on cassettes and you put them in and you record off the radio and you'd like talk in between and introduce.

That's how I used to play, and I used to call myself, Andy. So that's how I ended up getting my name. And I use he/him pronouns. That was also a little bit of a journey to get to that point as well.

And I'm a social worker and I work locally out here in beautiful Workwith, Ontario. So I remember something that stood out to me, and it was when we end up going and talking to your doctor, or in my case, it's a nurse practitioner, they ask you, like, how did it all start and tell me your trans journey?

And I remember being in like grade two or three pretty young, and there was someone who came and presented to the gym and the entire class of the entire school actually was there. And at some point, they had pointed out to me because I had my hand up and they said, the boy in the purple shirt. And everyone started to laugh. And tease me because they knew who I was, and I was the little girl with short hair and had to beg my parents to get that haircut, something that I really wanted. But that always stuck. It stuck out to me; the boy in the purple shirt, and it's enough for me to think about it now and for it to stick with me. I always thought there was something there, and I remember a little bit later on that year, my mom decided to paint my walls pink.

And she, I don't know if she was sensing things, just trying to keep things pink and put your girl in little dresses and make sure that you know they're following along, like all the other little girls. But I got black paint and I put all over my hands and I decorated the walls to let her know how I felt about her choosing pink for me. So very strong willed, I think, at a young age. And sorry, mom. So I think they had the paint over that or made me. Maybe they made me paint over it.

I went to Catholic school, and I didn't have very many examples of people around me who were from the LGBT family. It wasn't really talked about very much. I had to go outside. Internet was a big thing, you know, ICQ and all that good stuff when we were younger and messenger. And so I started talking to people in other areas.

And I met my partner, who was from Oshawa, and she was going to be going to a dance in Toronto, the buddies in bad times. It was a boys and boys and girls and girls dance. And so that was the first time we were 17 or 18, and then we dated for a little bit.

We dated twice, but my partner, she was just coming out herself and interested in lots of girls, and I think girls were interested in her and I can hear her laughing on the side because she probably doesn't want me to tell you. But she dated a few different people and I think I was young, but I wanted to just have one partner and I wanted it to be her. And so I broke up with her twice and then we went and we both married different people.

We had a great time with both persons. We learned a lot of different things and learned how to be good people and better partners to one another. So I thank my last partner for everything that she taught me and so then I was just looking for someone to be friends with, and I needed to learn how to crochet, so I put a post on Facebook and I said, Hey, is there anyone willing to teach me to crochet?

And so she messaged me and said I'd love to and came over. And I think she had other things in mind, but I was innocent. And in all that, of course, she came over. And it was history from there.

So that sort of started. I guess I went through being a lesbian phase, feeling I was a woman and it wasn't until I was maybe 32 that I went to her and I said, Listen, I think I'm a man and I don't know how you're going to take this. But she answered with such positivity and support and willing to listen and like, Oh well, you could try this or you could go on hormones or you could do this. And just knowing that there were some options, opened up, like a whole new world to me.

I felt relief. I felt just in my mind, a little bit of peace and like, Oh my God, there's an opportunity that I can be who I am on the inside that little boy in the purple shirt.

So I think some of the challenges are... A lot more came from coming out to family. And I've had some really supportive, strong people. And I've heard some people really question it and ask awful questions that you wouldn't want to be asked. And people that you wanted to be there to support you and just say, OK, where do we go from here?

And I've been told that I'm going to get beat up in the bathroom and maybe killed. People are worried. They're worried for me. But it's been a challenge.

I think some people have said, like, why would you want to be a man? It's the worst thing in the world.

And it's not a choice. It's not. I've had so many conversations about it. So it's challenging just getting self-affirmation. But it's really funny because we have a foster daughter who lives with us. And when she first came, that was when I was starting to transition.

I think it was like October when I started my hormones, and she came in November. So I thought, OK, I'm going to have to have a conversation with this kid. She's going to see me start growing facial hair.

You know, I wear different, not feminine clothes. And what is she going to think? Is she going to be embarrassed? Is she going to accept me all those fun things? And so I got to happen at the same time that we're also creating an identity of who we were as parents.

So, it was an interesting time. Everything was combined.

Some of it, like I've been up against oppression and felt oppressed when Danielle and I applied for an apartment, and we got told we didn't get the apartment because we had bad credit and we both have excellent credit. So it was obvious to me that we both showed up - I think I was looking pretty butch at the time and they just didn't want people like us there.

So, there's been things like that. But when I get to a bathroom at this point because I'm I feel I'm pretty newly transitioning, I feel like how boy do I have to look today to go into the men's bathroom versus, OK, if I'm in there is really busy or a lot of women going to see me? If my mask is covering, you know, based on what I'm wearing, what where do I fit that day?

It's a struggle. I'm hoping that that becomes clearer and clearer. The more I feel like myself is matching with my outside physical appearance. But I'm a social worker, so my whole thing is you got to enjoy the journey. And this is who I am today, and that's OK. So.

So, this is Daniel.

We've been together now for eight years. Soon to be wife, I hope one day, well, we'll see, but I think we've passed the, what is it like a three-year mark normally?

[Danielle] Common Law.

[Andy] Wow.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] So, so Danielle is a nurse and she's been an integral part of my life since I was very young and then we stayed friends. We stayed friends for a good while, we were off being married and doing all that kind of stuff.

And so, you've always been there. And I was always in love with her. I just wanted to be with me and nobody else.

[Danielle] Yeah. You know, I remember quite clearly, we were we were living in Hamilton, and Andy had just come back from training and focusing providers, medical providers about trans care and had to be inclusive. And Andy, I remember Andy came in and he was just pale and didn't look good.

And I said, you know, is everything OK? And he said, I think I'm trans, and I said, I kind of figured that before. But like, you know, that doesn't change anything. And I think that was Andy's worry is, how is that going to change our relationship?

You know, me identifying at that time as a lesbian in a lesbian relationship, how does that change the dynamics of things? And like to me, it's, you know, gender is a social construct, and you know, it's not about, you know, that, you know, I love Andy because of Andy. And I, you know, Andy is trans and I kind of, you know, always knew that, and always loved that about Andy.

And yeah.

[Andy] My cheeks go red sometimes.

Yeah, we I think we had a big conversation about going from a lesbian relationship to a CIS relationship. And I also wonder, you know, your sexuality like I wasn't trying to change you in my decision.

And then you came out and you told me that you were what.

[Danielle] I identify as non-binary. I never fit into any of the gender roles.

[Andy] But not as a pansexual. You told them.

[Danielle] Yeah, I put my attractiveness to a person is not to a gender. I don't believe that you can be attracted just to the gender.

[Andy] So it's like I hit the jackpot.

[Danielle] You know, it's...

[Andy] For me, I think I was even counseling someone at this point too who was coming out. Someone who didn't want to lose their partner and said I'd rather keep my partner than come out because that's more important to me, and that's sort of how I felt. So Danielle had to be OK with that and took a long time to tell her, and now I feel like I'm taking away her lesbian pride.

Like. Are we not part of that same? Like, all your friends are lesbians. You know you're in a different sort of status now, right?

[Danielle] It's kind of a strange position to be in because, you know, for most of my life, I was very butch. I had my hair shaved.

[Andy] Oh, Danielle was the one. Yeah.

[Danielle] I was definitely. And then we've our roles have kind of changed our relationship where, you know, I grew my hair out and he cut his hair off.

[Andy] Danielle cuts my hair for COVID. She gave me this beautiful hawk. Yes, it's my first mohawk.

[Danielle] So you know, you're not visibly queer anymore. I guess is the thing is that you kind of so you think, where do I fit into the... I don't really fit into the lesbian or the queer visually, you know, I still definitely feel like I fit in into that.

[Andy] See, I still think people see me as female when I walk around.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy]So I don't feel like... I think you're still visible at this point. I wear a lot of colorful stuff.

[Danielle] Yeah, it's you know, it's. I think it is what it is, but one day though, right?

[Andy] Yeah, one day I think it's going to be very, very different. I'm going to stick with this and I'm going to go full beard and lumberjack it up, I think.

[Danielle] Well, maybe it's hard because you've kind of gone through most of your visible transition during COVID.

[Andy] Many people who come to me and do the, you know, think I'm a man or and then say sir and then say, sorry, they look at me and they get confused. And yeah, I get a lot of sirs at first, I think and then they look at me and then they second guess it and they apologize. So that's been happening quite a bit. Your family and my friends and like people who have known me and my dead named transitioning to Andy, and he him, I think, has been a challenge for some people.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] I was really lucky. I was working at a place that there was someone who was non-binary and I remember it being a transition for me. And then even in myself calling myself Andy all the time, like I went through a transition with it as well.

And so I try not to. I don't react to people as much. I think if it doesn't, if it happens, I hear it. I definitely hear it and it, but I just glad to be here.

[Danielle] I think you take on that teacher role. I think that's who you are. And, you know, formally being a teacher, I think you still have those qualities where you want to teach people.

[Andy] Sometimes they also say something that.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] I feel, yeah, I feel like I'm. Trying to make it easy for people as well, but I shouldn't like everyone's like, you don't have to tell your story to everyone and teach the world like, that's not my job. I shouldn't have to stop it because that's a lot to take on. But yeah, lately I think I just... People will realize it themselves, and that'll be a bigger teacher because they'll feel embarrassed and they'll be like, Oh, next time I'll do that.

[Danielle] I haven't seen you happier.

[Andy] Really?

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Yeah?

[Danielle] I think in terms of your mental health, it's definitely been.

[Andy] Yeah, I.

[Danielle] I Don't know what.

[Andy] Yeah.

I struggled from when I was a little kid. Like, we came from a lower socioeconomic upbringing. I'd say. Like my parents were, blue collared workers, is what you call them? And life was, you had what you needed, always. But it wasn't always the nice fancy things that everyone else in class had. And so it was rougher.

It was it was harder. And I think around 17 or 18 and coming out, I struggled with my identity. I struggled with the sexuality and a poor girl, I had slept with a girl for the first time, and I think a week later ended up in the hospital and she thought it was totally her. And it wasn't. But I just, I did a lot of years of counseling to help, and I'm in a really good place right now. And I think that it evened things out better, like everyone struggles with their own mental health and, you know, just feeling more balanced within the day starting hormones, I didn't expect that to happen. Just calmer. Peace, peaceful, right?

So we've had a we've had a struggle with family life, and I can see Danielle sort of welling up a little bit to like your eyes got glassy.

We have always wanted to have children, both of us and quite quickly in a relationship, I think realized that we'd be great parents and had good skill set that we could share and tried a lot of routes like we went the fertility route. And we were both. We both struggled with weight at that time where Daniel's lost 50lb in COVID. She's doing excellent. But, you know, we both had a hard time getting pregnant and then we thought, you know, do we? We're trying to work out. But like, is there anything we can do in terms of maybe adopting or fostering?

Are you open to that? And we decided we were both, it didn't have to be our biological child. We just had a lot of love to give to a child that needed it. And so we decided to become adopt, adopt ready parents. We have to do pride training for that. That's what they call it. I always thought it was special. Must be for us. And we waited how many years?

[Danielle] Four years.

[Andy] Four years, being ready and everything approved and the ups and downs of like you go to these events where they put kids profiles out on tables. And it's like a meat market of places that you can; OK, I'm interested in that one. And then you're fighting with someone behind you. You're like, No, I'm going to be a better parent with that one because we're doctors.

I mean. It was a horrible experience, so we finally got matched to one. And then right before they were supposed to start visits with us, I guess we got told that the foster parent wanted to keep the child and they thought that was a better fit, so it didn't upset the attachment.

And we grieved that because we knew the whole story. We knew what to expect. We were we were ready and it was a loss, a big loss. And then we thought, OK, do we keep waiting? We're getting older. Like.

You know, I'm starting to get gray hairs now. Things are happening like that. And we thought, Well, why don't we foster? If we foster, maybe we'll have an opportunity to... Then if a child becomes available, then have them come permanently into our home, right?

[Danielle] And I think it was important that we were upfront with them right away, that you were trans and this was our family. And you know, you know, are they going to be accepting of that? Or, you know.

[Andy] That's what will fit. Yeah, we couldn't have it with a kid that didn't.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Yeah.

But kids are like sponges. They just eat up what you tell them. And like, she started asking me, Why do you wear boys clothes? So we ended up fostering, by the way. So we have our foster child now.

And she's like, Yeah, why? Why is your hair like that? Why do you wish? I kept wondering where I was wearing certain clothes out to places. And so we talked to her and I said, You know, like, this is how I feel most comfortable.

This is who I am and how I want to express myself. And I hope you want me to feel comfortable and happy to do that. And she was like, Of course.

[Danielle] And I think even before we had told her or kind of explained it to her about Andy being trans, she right away asked Andy, "Can I call you, dad? Is it OK if you can be my Dad,

[Andy] Oh. Melted my heart.

[Danielle] And this was pretty early on when she was here. And yeah. So, you know, I think, you know, kids know a lot more than they can pick up on things.

[Andy] And she, on Father's Day, she wrote me, drew me a little picture, and she can barely spell like she's challenged in her spelling, but she can affirm my gender. She gave me like little stubble and a mustache and like, amazing.

You know, what more can you ask for? So I'm going to hold on to that picture forever, I think.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] That's good because I was nervous. I didn't know how she would take it.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy]And yeah, she's been pretty. She's been pretty amazing. I feel I feel awkward going to her Catholic school sometimes.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Do you?

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] And just all the other parents, I'm like, Oh, that's the kid. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if they do that, but I think about that.

[Danielle] Yeah, we worry about those kind of things. So especially in a Christian organization that is not too accepting of...

[Andy] Well, they won't put the flags on. Yeah.

Yeah.

So with every new foster, you don't get a choice as to where the child goes because there was a really nice school right around the corner that she could have gone to.

But so we'll see.

We just found out today, actually, that she might be leaving us like, right before you came, we got a letter. It's a possibility we're going to we're going to find out. So we're in a limbo. So our hearts have been flipped turned.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Excitement. She's coming. I remember waiting at the door the day she was coming on, staring out the window. You couldn't get me away from the door. I was so excited.

[Danielle] Yeah, that's what it is, right?

[Andy] Yeah.

[Danielle] So we have family in a in a different way, and it's it's not the traditional way that we experience family or the schema that you were brought up with.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] And I think that was the trouble to like when I tried to take a leave from work and met with some trouble there and being told that like, we weren't parents like they quoted you or not, parents, you do not get leave.

So challenges, that was a that was a big challenge.

[Danielle] Yes.

[Andy] Come to think of it.

[Danielle] Being treated differently, like you're going off on the sleeve to take care of a child. And you know everybody else when they were going off in that leave or, you know, oh, got a present, and a party and then you were kind of there was a meeting planned right at the end and you thought, Oh.

[Andy] Yeah, there was a meeting, and I thought everyone was going to be there because it was online. COVID had started. And it was just my boss checking in on how much work I did that day.

[Danielle] And that disappointment that, you know, a week earlier, someone went off on that leave and got this whole big party.

[Andy] I donated to that. Not the not that I needed to present. I don't mean that, but it's the whole. When you're a manager, you're fair to everyone and you include. So I felt very othered. And then being told that I couldn't have the leave. And then it was like October. Like I asked before she had come to our home and it wasn't until February when I got approval to be off for 35 weeks.

So they felt like it took months and months. So think of every day not knowing if you have to go back to work or like what's going to happen with your kid or how are you going to? Now you've got to get child care.

It was like very hectic and like, emotionally draining.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Um.

And then, yeah, just now being asked if we're interested in putting forth any intent to adopt that puts us in a totally different. It's a fine line from the government's through the ESA. And if you don't cross that border exactly this boundary, you get all the. But that's what I said to them, like, this is how we have our family. This is how we tried to expand our family in other ways, and this is how we have to do it. And I need to leave to attach with my child and they wouldn't give it to me. It was a fight.

That was a challenge. And so you would expect them to be treating their employees. I think with more respect with the laws that are out there, the Legislature that's out there created by the same body, and I felt not treated that way too.

And I think because I was just about to go on a transition like start my transition and I thought I can either go off on a leave medical leave because I didn't want to be in a place that I didn't feel comfortable.

Like it wasn't talked about compared to my other social work agencies that I worked at.

[Danielle] Which were very queer positive.

[Andy] Yeah, and they, you know, you go round the table at a meeting and you introduce your pronouns, and that was the way of things, but it was not like that at all. And so I didn't feel safe.

You know, just being on a team without some discussion and some. So I thought OK, I'll either take a leave or choose the parental leave. And I talked to my union and they felt that it was better to take the parental leave. But then it was like, No, you can't have it. And then they said, Oh, you're already on this because I had started.

I said, I have to be off this stay. The child's coming into my home. Special needs, you know, I have to be there.

I think the great thing about our futures is that we know it'll be together because we both enjoy the same things. We're very outdoorsy and nature, and that's why we wanted to live in a home with trees surrounding it and be able to have animals like your little puppy that you had a whole park if put her down and have the chickens, really love doing that. But I think just being somewhere where there's places to kayak. I think a house like you make the home wherever you go.

We'll be here for a few years. We have something that is strong, found a house. We lived in Hamilton, I guess, was our first house and moved here and bought something that was half done. So we've been putting little bits and little bits into it and building it.

It's sort of a... Do you feel like.

[Danielle] Block by block.

[Andy] Block by block. But like each project we do, do you feel more affinity towards the house and the land and just being here?

[Danielle] Yeah. We're in a very supportive community. So you know, we're very privileged to be where we are today.

[Andy] I think coming from such a hard place. Going through, you know, coming out as being gay and not being accepted right away and fighting for that. And then, yeah, I think a lot of people just thought I was nutty. Because I was dealing with, you know, being OK and finding that identity within myself. It's a it's like going into a cave and then you get to the back of the cave and there's a little crack and you go through the crack and it opens up into another cave.

And I just, it took me a little longer than most people. I guess I feel old doing this by, you know, by the time I'm fully transitioned and feeling myself, I think I'll probably be bald and part of it, right?

I think we've come up with like a whole bunch of advice that we'd give others in terms of thinking, you know, just get talking to someone and sharing and not holding things in. I mean, you've got to be ready because let's face it, there's still real true things that can be done to you and consequences. So you want to be safe and make sure it's a safe person, but get talking to those people and realizing that there's others out there that you're part of the community.

It was really great about this project because when I was introduced to it and I started watching videos, there was two or three people that I've come in contact with. I used to work with Heidi and Peterborough, and I know Cash. And so it's great to feel like I'm part of a community and everything I've been a part of, I know it's not the best place, but there's little Facebook groups that you can join and people, any time you need something, they're there for you. So it'd be great to get connected and feel supported. You told me I don't have to be anywhere yet. Like, I felt like I wasn't male. I wasn't female. I didn't fit this box or that box. And you said, like, why does there have to be a box?

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] And not, you know, pushing yourself to fit into that yet.

[Danielle] I think your personality is very black and white and you struggle with the gray. Yeah.

[Andy] Trying to find the gray?

Yeah. Well. There is such a thing as non-binary. Is that right in the middle in terms of all that stuff?

My trans journey gets better with every step, every day, and every moment. To the place that I want to be. And I just. Want to encourage others to take those steps and walk, to move. Don't stay stagnant. There's great things out there. 

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Meet Luna (she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Luna''s video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/f09iNHM5FYw

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Hi, I'm Lana, and my pronouns are she/her and I'm a transwoman.

I want to talk about how HRT saved my life. When I was like, I must have been like 15, 16 when I came out. I was miserable all the time, and up until then, I didn't really understand why.

I just didn't really feel right ever. I was like 14. 14, 13 years are hard. I came out as bi and I was like, this is something. But I still don't feel whole, really. And I just sort of continued to feel that way until I figured out that I was transwoman.

And everything in life just immediately started to make more sense. I was happy. I felt like myself and my social life was just right and I had never felt that before. But dysphoria was really, really hard.

I spent years where the only thing I could think about was going to the bathtub and castrating myself, because I just needed relief from that. And the urge to do that. It was something I managed to resist because I knew that I would probably bleed out in the bathtub had I tried to do that, and that would have been not right.

So when I started blockers about two and a half months ago now, I felt so much better almost instantly. And when I started estrogen a month ago, I felt even better.

My life is so much higher quality and so much happier, and my body feels like my home for the first time ever. So. If you ever question that and I think you should pursue it, because I found so much better of a life for myself by doing it when I actually came out, my family was, you know, pretty shocked and pretty confused. Took them a while to understand, and I got delayed for a few years because I. Well, I had an unrelated medical issue that made it so I was not physically sick, physically or mentally stable enough to start for about two or three years.

And then immediately after that, I was like, I'm finally ready. Let's do it, aAnd coronavirus happens and I am not going to go get the various blood tests I need at the very beginning of the pandemic when we still don't know what's going on. So that delayed me another year. But we're here now. That's what matters.

A lot of us, my family, just needed time to understand, and my mom took on some papers and beliefs that weren't well founded like Lisa Littman's idea of like rapid onset gender dysphoria, and that wasn't really her fault. It's easy to make these mistakes if you don't have like a good source for someone telling you that this is wrong. It's easy to make that kind of mistake, especially ones like, you know, a well accredited DR prestigious university.

Even if it all turned out to be bullshit later, admittedly, like so it was about reeducating my family. It was about being patient. And then it was about the medical issues where I fell very, very sick because of my allergies, actually, because vaping was just starting to become popular. And in my high school, people were vaping indoors and I was just getting really, really sick in school. And it actually damaged my body so much that I was pretty much immobilized for several months. And yeah, so it took me a very long time to recover from that, both physically and psychologically.

So that delayed me for a while because I didn't want to start the process in an unstable place and then fail and have to start again, because after the other challenges I had, I figured that type of trauma would destroy me.

So I waited and that was hard. That was probably the hardest part, knowing that I had to make the choice for myself to wait, because if I didn't, I would be putting myself in an unsafe situation by doing it.

My relationship with my family, it struggled for a few years because they didn't have the understanding they needed to support me. And I wasn't in a place where I could really teach them. So we struggled with that for a long time.

But eventually it all worked out in a sense. And it also really got kicked off when I got this job with the government and I said, I'm not going to do this as a man. And this is it. Like, you can't stop me and this is going to be how I live. And that seemed to turn around for them, I guess. And now they're really supportive and it's really great.

I'm just less afraid now. I know I still you know, I'm still going to be clocked as trans, but I'm OK with that. My body feels like mine. My. Head feels like mine. My thoughts feel like mine now. In the past, they didn't really feel like they fit and they didn't. And now they do. And I know that's a bit Rambley, but I feel like myself. And that has been the biggest joy of all of it. Really.

My dreams are really to continue to pursue my studies in environmental resource management. And, you know, maybe un-destroy the world from capitalism can be pretty great. But in regards to myself, I really just want to keep living my life. And I'm you know, I haven't made any decisions about surgeries and whatnot, but I know the options out there and I feel good about them. I just you know, we'll see how my body and mind feel at the time.

If I could talk to myself in the past, I would say that it's going to work out. There is a reason you feel disconnected from society. You're not wrong. You're not broken. You struggle to socialize for a reason. It's not a mental health condition. It's not you just being wrong. It's the fact that you're not who you really are and you will get there and it will be OK.

What I've learned is that I can be myself, that I don't need to stop being myself, that I have freedom and I have a life and that I, I get to live it how I want.

Don't question people's identities. Even if you're part of the community, there may be a person's identity or sexuality that you don't understand. But that doesn't mean it's any less valid than your own. By slicing up the community, drawing these like battle lines between like who you think is valid and invalid, that only hurts us.

People with neo pronouns are valid. People with more complex sexualities are valid. And to try and say that we have this line of acceptability that's only going to hurt the community, only going to make it easier to hurt us.

People's identities are valid, and none of us are in a position to tell anyone how to live their lives.

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Meet Riley (pronouns undetermined)

What follows is a transcript from Riley's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/HYSDc2P2T6Q

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Hello, my name is Riley. And my pronouns, I have no idea what they are right now and I identify as nonbinary, but I'm kind of in the process of trying to figure out if maybe it's something else or anything like that.

So for the meantime, I sometimes go by, she, they I have had I don't know how I feel about it quite yet, and I've also, any time I'm finding now that if I get identified as male, it absolutely makes my whole day and brightens my whole afternoon, my day or whatever. And I'll be thinking about it for weeks after. So starting to kind of explore how that kind of makes me feel as well. 

I'm thirty one. And from a very young age, I kinda hung around the boys, was always kind of considered one of the boys, and have even been a groomsman in one of my best friend's weddings and all those kinds of things. And my whole life, it was always, you know, we were playing something when I was a kid and it was no girls allowed. People would be like, well, Riley's in there. And then they'd be like, Riley doesn't count.

So that was always something that made me feel very comfortable with myself. And then as you grow up, you know, things kind of changed, people's interests change and all those kinds of things. And I still felt really comfortable with my friends that they all still considers me one of the guys. And I loved that. So I've always had a good support group in that regard. 

I always kind of felt dysphoric about my chest. Obviously know that when you're little, everybody is kind of running around having having fun, being friends. But I went through puberty very young and just would do anything, I was always quite a tomboy, to cover up. So wearing hoodies and all those kinds of things and, you know, really baggy clothes, which I liked because I like that stuff anyway.

And it was always kind of one of those things where when I would see a trans man, for example, I'd find that jealousy and that pang of kind of sadness that like, oh, I can't do that. I want to, but I don't know how to go about it. And it was always just something I kept in the back of my mind. And I also, when I was really little, I played hockey and then I moved to figure skating. I think part of me wanted to do that because I love Halloween. I was like 50 costumes. It's fun. And I love figure skating for several reasons. Why not just wasn't my thing anymore. And also, once I started getting a chance, those costumes weren't fun for me anymore. All they did was accentuate it. And I was happy to move to hockey. And I thrived and loved it. And I still play. 

So, you know, fast forwarding a little bit, you know, high school, I was still very much a tomboy. And I even had some of my friends, like, you know, I went to a Catholic school and people like Riley, you haven't worn the kilt yet. And my friends would laugh and say, right, will not wear the kilt despite my plaid hat. It was a feminine kilt. Right. So, you know, that wasn't something that I was comfortable doing. So people would always laugh, say Riley is not going to do that.

And then for Halloween, it was always - I think one of the reasons I love Halloween so much is that was my opportunity to be somebody else for the day. So I was - if I look back on my costumes, it was always a man that I would dress up as some kind of male character. And I still love Halloween to this very day. Anybody that knows me can attest to that. So. Again, always finding ways and thinking about my chest and then the university where it's very different. I kind of found that a bit of a struggle.

So I didn't - you know, you try different things. Like try like maybe one day say, hey, you know what, maybe I'll be like Halloween today, you know, so I would wear like the goth makeup or whatever kind of if I felt like I was in some kind of costume, that maybe I'd feel more confident throughout the day. But it still just wasn't working. And then still that paying about my chest. And so I would always wear about three sports for us to kind of compress as much as I can. And then several years ago, I started looking at test binding, which I did for many, many, many years and caused a lot of problems. And then eventually, maybe two years ago, I had just kind of had enough. It's time to do something about it. So I started the journey to get my top surgery, which I got in October 2020. So during the pandemic, it was very nerve wracking because I really wanted it. So I've gotten that. And it's been the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life by far bar none. 

It's like I find myself now. I would go days without looking in a mirror. And now I'm kind of like, oh, you know, quite excited about it. And so riding off of that high, I kind of told my friends and family. My family has been amazing through all of this. So my mom and my aunt came with me to my top surgery, which was really nice, and they were great about it. My mom went and got the pillow for my recovery and everything was great. And my dad was hilarious. When I came home, he said, I bet that's a load off your chest. So it was fun. So, you know, my family's been fantastic about all of this from the beginning, which is really awesome.

You know, I was riding on that high of, you know, I've got my top surgeon, I had told - all my friends have said, oh, yeah, we knew this was coming. So then it got to people would start to ask me, what are your pronouns? And I was like, oh, you can call me she. It's fine. I don't care. You called me that for you know ever. And it's been fine. It's not a problem. But then I think when I started to come down from that high, so once I was all recovered and living, you know, not having to worry about, you know, everything healing and just starting to go about my normal day to day, I started to kind of realize that if I would go to pick up food somewhere, the mam and miss would really bother me. It would be something that I would you know, I started to notice that I would avoid going to those certain places where I knew somebody was going to say, there you are, ma'am, here you are, Miss. How are you today? Miss those kinds of things. And or I would get my male friend to call because I just didn't want to deal with it. And I had say, can you go pick it up? Like I just I can't. And he was amazing in understanding about that. 

So I started kind of talking to my therapist, who's been awesome support for all of this and helped get the ball going with my surgery and everything. And I had said, you know, like I don't know how to feel about this. And she said, well, maybe try going by them for a little bit, see how you feel and if it connects. So I did for about two weeks.

It didn't feel like, oh, that's it. Like that's that's the one. It didn't fall into place. So I was like, I went back to her and I was like, you know, I don't really feel connected to that. And she said, that's totally fine. You tried it. That's how you know. Right. Then I went to go to a store to pick up something for curbside, and I was wearing a touk and a button up shirts and pants and just regular. I had joker and batman shoes. And the lady gave me my stuff. And she said, There you are, son, have a good day. And I got back in my car and I called my friends. I was like that woman. I just thought I was a boy.

And it made my whole day like I was on cloud nine. And because I was wearing a button that was actually a button up after my recovery. So then I went to the store. Right after that, I got into the car and I went to Wal-Mart and bought about four button up shirts, my pineapple one today.

And so I figured, you know, if that kind of is that help, that's something that made me feel so happy. And that clicked like for me. And I find now if somebody ever says like, you know, like if I've gone into a bathroom before and I'll still use the women's washroom if there isn't a gender neutral one. And I was out for lunch the other day and a little girl kind of looked and the mom said, yes, that's a woman. And in a way, even though she said, yes, that's a woman, I was still kind of like, I feel like I'm on your cover.

This is kind of fun. So that like even just that, that that child had to be like second guessing. That just makes my whole day. So with in regards to pronouns, you know, I'm trying to figure out that side of my of my story and my life, my journey. So, you know, they talk about your gender journey. I've told my friends this is my transmission. So kind of fun. 

I'm finding things that make me happy and things that upset me and how to deal with those those parts of being on the trans spectrum. So obviously the one of the first two things I feel like that kind of out to me as you female would be my hair and my voice. 

So with my hair, I'm like, you know, lots of guys have long hair. I listen to heavy metal music. Lots of heavy metal fans have long hair. Why do I have to change my hair for for other people? But then I also kind of think, well, if I did change my hair, that would probably affirm other people talking to me. But so I go through certain days and I'm like, well, maybe I need to change this in order for this to happen. And then other days are like, no, I don't have to do that. I'm going to live my life.

And then obviously, my voice. So I had thought about, you know, is HRT right for me? Is that something that I want to start exploring? So I've spoken to a few people in in support groups. Facebook's been an amazing. An amazing resource to talk to people who are like minded and, you know, so asking people, hey, how how was your, you know, transitioning to using HRT and side effects? And a lot of those things like I don't really want a lot of those things. I just want my voice to change. 

So I. I spoke to my therapist about that. So I've been now starting to look at voice therapy to kind of work with that. So I used to sing and sometimes I still do around the house, much to maybe my neighbor's dismay. You know, I'm going to start working on maybe how I can work with that to affirm a little bit more things. And, you know, as things go along, just how I didn't think pronouns would bother me as much as they have. Maybe that will change. I don't know. That's all part of my transmission. 

I don't have it all figured out. I'm not sure I could be, you know, in my fifties one day who say I've had enough and, you know, you never know. So, you know, it's something that I figure, you know, you don't always end. Some people say, you know, when you know, you're done transitioning and I don't think you ever are done. You know, it's always going to keep going. It's a thing like, you know, when are you done aging? You know, when you're done.

You know, everybody's I'm sure, you know, we change our hair and our clothes and all of those things, and I feel, you know, this is great, you know, gender can be one of those things as well.

So I also identify as asexual. So I do not experience any sexual attraction, no romanticism like I don't I've never had a crush on anybody. And it's funny, though, the only person I ever have had a crush is a very obscure musician who's very androgynous looking.

So my friends always kind of found that that was kind of humorous as well. So, you know, especially with HRT, that can change those kinds of things. And my acceptance of my sexuality was a long road. And I'm at that point where I've accepted it. So I don't want to start fiddling with that kind of thing. It's you know, if you're hanging a picture, don't touch it. It's perfect. Don't touch it. If it's hanging on by that one little nail, don't touch it.

I don't know what my pronouns are. Starting, you know "She" seems to be OK. But Ma'am and ladies and Miss just can ruin my whole day. To the point where I actually got little business cards made that say "Hello, my name is Riley, thank you for helping me today. Please don't use feminine pronouns when referring to me because I'm not a woman. If you slip up, that's OK. We're human and make mistakes. And have a nice day." So kind of I can hand those out if I go to a restaurant as a nonconfrontational way to at least curb those things, that kind of bother me.

So, yeah, trying to figure out, like I said, he seems to be something that really connects with me. So we'll see where that goes. But in the meantime, I just tell people, just don't call me an asshole. Stuff. That's about it.

You don't have to have it all figured out. It's OK. And it's something that can just be ongoing. So I hope this is helpful for some of you who aren't sure where you're at in your journey. You don't have to have it all figured out.

And it's something that you can find in your own time. It's OK. And it's all part of your transmission.  

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Meet Kaylee (she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Kaylee's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/T2X7WupmH8w

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My name's Kaylee. Kaylee Mae. My kids call me Mae. I'm almost 40 years young, so, you know, halfway through life, I go by she/her. I've been out for nine months, 10 months, and on HRT for nine months just the other day.

The last few years I've been a building manager, and I thought I was pretty depressed. I thought I may have had ADD. I thought a few different things. So I tried to, you know, med myself, see doctors,  get meds for that.

None of that was helping. And I thought back to grade 2. When I was told, you know, you can't hang out with the women and that. And I realized that there's a lot more going on there. And finally admitted to myself that, yeah, that's that's what I need. And the day I figured that out for myself, I haven't stopped smiling. It's been amazing. 

When I started transitioning, it was pretty easy. I was surprised, actually. I went to my doctor and I told them and I was a little taken aback when they answered "You're Trans?" like their head went back.

Well, yeah. I mean, do I have to look a certain way or something. And she said no. OK. So they referred me to an ENDO an I did a blood test. I did one more blood test. And then I waited three weeks maybe and I started HRT. And I knew already in the last few years that's something I really wanted. 

Voice training is probably my biggest fear. I can go bra shopping with my wife. I can go get my nails done. I can dress as nice as I like, but I'm still shy to try and do the voice training. I don't know why, but that's the hardest part for me. 

In a way I was debating on if I should do this interview or not, because I hear so many stories of people that lose their lives. You know, they go through a very hard childhood, lots of medical issues. And I've been very fortunate to had almost none of that happen.

And I am sad for some people. But then some people talked to me and told me that you need to give others hope that we're together. We've been married 13 years and our relationship is stronger now than it was before. There so much I can relate to. I mean, and we fit the same clothes. So that's amazing. 

Challenges in my life have not been too many I mean, I have an amazing wife who supports me, two beautiful kids that support me, and they learn about this in school. When I told them it was, one of the hardest things was to tell my family and I thought my kids, I would have to explain a bunch, and as soon as I had told they said, Oh, well, dad, you're transgender then. I read about this in school, and they're only 12 and 13 years old, and I was really surprised that they're teaching that, and it made it a little bit easier for me to explain to them. So it was really nice that the teachers had already gone through some of that, 

At this point, things with my wife are amazing. It started. Well, I mean, just a given. It started pretty strange. I didn't know how it was going to go. In the past, we had experimented with a few other women. I wanted to make sure that things would be OK. I couldn't have done it without her. I don't think I would have. She's my rock, my stone, my whole life. So if the support wasn't there, I don't know that I could have done this. And now things are just we cuddle on the couch. For me and her, it's the greatest night we can have.  So it's nice to be able to do those small things. Holding hands is just so different now, stuff like that. But the little things mean a whole bunch. 

So if I had to give some advice to somebody that's married or in a situation sort of like me? I would say not to go too quick with things. I mean, even if you're going to medically transition, especially, it's a long process. It's years and years. And if you can, like, I really didn't want to scare Kassandra off at all.

It would have really hurt. There's no - there's no need to rush. It's a very long process. So just let it do its time. And I think that that's the best chance to keep your relationship going. And even if you just end up best friends, just if you do things too quick, I think that it could really scare someone off or or catch them off guard in a way that they may not bounce back from. 

Thinking back about it, when I was eight or nine years old and I was learning to break hair and I was sitting with the girls in the class and my teacher pulled me aside and one little comment stuck with me for 30 something years, that you can't do that. You're a boy. You need to be over here. And it was just on the backburner for the next long, long time. And finally, I did something. And I mean, I feel so good. I've never felt this good in my life. 

I see so many other trans people in a lot of the the discords that I'm in. And the one thing that people can't hide is your eyes. Even as mad or upset as you are, their eyes get so big and so happy. And you see the difference in these changes that people go through and the eyes tell the story. I think right there alone. 

I love so many things about, you know, I'm very, very visibly trans. I go out, and I don't try to, you know, where I blend in. I just walk around and I talk to everyone. I really like doing makeup. I haven't had any lessons yet. So it's kind of like a crapshoot figuring it out. Not easy. Same as clothes. I love to go shopping. And I think that Value Village and stores like consignment shops are a trans person's best friend. 

Actually I went to one and it was really neat because I seen a group of six or seven trans women together. And during COVID, that was my only real life... So it was really nice to see that. And yeah, I love shopping. Anything with the face I love to do. I just everything that I've missed out on, I'm starting my hair is getting a little bit longer so I'm able to do a couple of things with it. Everything. I'm just so happy. There's so many things that make me happy about being transgender and more than I thought. 

We're superintendents, we've been superintendence for about 12 years, almost since the time we've been together, and it's really nice.

I've been... through the whole thing I've been working and I get to see a lot of residents. So I've done things slowly. I didn't want to scare anybody or myself, for that matter. I started, you know, just wearing glitter, nail polish and mascara and small things like that. And residents started noticing. But I found that nobody wanted to ask. They just kind of kept being themselves very nice. Most people, having great. 

Work or is super supportive with me. Nothing's really changed at work. In fact, I find people are nicer. I don't know why, but it just probably because I'm being me who I'm supposed to be. So I think it's a really nice thing to have a very supportive company and coworkers. That's great. 

There's a few challenges. The one biggest one, and it didn't bother me for the longest time was, my dead name was I was fine with that. And just the last little bit, it's been hard because there's some people who you've known for a long time and they're not ready to call me that name, and it's hard sometimes, I mean, everything everywhere now is Kaylee. there's no other person here. So it's just reminding them, you know, just a gentle reminder, I don't get offended very easy at all. And I'm a very easygoing person. That's probably the biggest hardship for me. 

There's a few people too that kind of maybe they're not as friendly with me anymore, but they don't say anything. We'll take it. And that's fine. They do their own thing and I'm OK. Not everybody can like everybody. And I think the world's going to like that. It's meant to have some people who like me, some people who love me, and some people who prefer not to talk to me. And that's OK.

In the future... I love office work. I always have. And I also love to gossip. So I would like to get out of superintendent and go work in a nice office setting where I can dress super nice, not have a uniform every day and gossip and just.

Hang out with more, more of a group of people versus just doing a random work order like some of the things at work, losing a lot of muscle, I have to do huge compacter garbage, things that are not as easy to pull anymore. I have to shovel snow in the winter for a massive property, not just in a driveway. So a lot of that stuff gets harder. And I would like to be in an office setting again where I feel super comfy and happy.

I just want to say that I love my wife more than anything in the world. My kids come very, very close second. She is the most important thing for me.

[Cassandra] I'm Cassandra. I'm Kaylee's spouse. I guess I'm supposed to call her now.

We've been married for. Eleven years and together for 13. So it's been really good.

[Kaylee] So one big thing is, is sex with my wife has gone. A lot better, it's not every day, twice a day thing, it's once, once a week maybe, but it's so much better and it's brought us closer.

And I think that's really important to connect like that. It's more meaningful and more time involved. It's really, really nice. And along the lines of that, that's kind of how I made sure that she would be OK with me coming out.

We did experiment with a couple of women. To see if that's something that I guess that I wanted to see. She's a very, very quiet reserved woman, and I wasn't sure if that's something that she would be OK with. And she's definitely OK with that. So I, yeah, I identify as a lesbian. And if she wasn't into women, then I couldn't.

[Cassandra] Well, first, it was pretty weird, I thought, because we used to always joke with me that you wanted to do everything, if he could ever be a girl, he'd want to be a girl.

I mean, it just. It was a shock to him when he decided he was going to. And our relationships been 100 percent better than we thought it would be. I'm fine for 100 percent, so.

After being married for so many years, if you really love the person, you should stay with them. If you don't, then there's no point in staying with that person., Be yourselves. And I'm happy for all of the people that are transgendered or trying to change themselves for the better.

[Kaylee] We have two beautiful kids. They're amazing kids.

Everybody says that about their own kids, I guess. But they really are special. Before I bring them in, I just want to say one thing real fast. They got no Christmas gifts. They saved their money. They got a lot of money. They saved their money till just the other day they randomly found their, PS5 in a store. They lucked out. So they're so happy. They are very patient boys. That kind of just gives a little bit about them. But yeah, I really like if I could introduce our boys to everybody, if that's OK.

Here, come in front here guys.

[Jaden] Hello

[Cassandra] Come sit.

[Jaden] Fine

[Kaylee] This is my eldest, Jaden. Look in the camera here. He is 13 years old

[Jaden] No, 12

[Kaylee] ...going to be 13.

And this one is Zander. Say hi.

[Zander] Hi. I'm going to be 12.

[Kaylee] They were born less than a year apart. The Irish twins, they call it.

[Jaden] No, it was three hundred and seven days.

[Kaylee] So 16 days less than, err, no six days less than a year.

[Zander] No.

[Kaylee] Yeah.

[Zander] 365 days in a year.

[Kaylee] Yeah, less. And okay,, so they've  got some questions maybe for you. 

[Zander] What? I don't... Hi. 

[Kaylee] Excuse the COVID cuts. We haven't made it to the hairdresser yet, so they're pretty good shag. Do you like being a teenager?

[Jaden] Yeah, I guess.

[Kaylee] Yeah. How about you Zander

[Jaden] I'm not one yet

[Kaylee] Are you looking forward to it? Make sure you talk here.

[Zander] Uh... Games. I like the games.,

[Kaylee] Video games and video games. So we went to, Jaden I'd like you to show them this picture. You hold it up close, OK? Zander, tell them where we went.

[Zander] We went to Niagara Falls. To this picture place and they dressed us up and all that.

[Kaylee] They dressed as a what?

[Zander] The wild west.

[Kaylee] Yeah, the Wild West. And what do you guys call me now? What's my name?

[Jaden] Mae. [Zander] Mae.

[Kaylee] So they call me Mae. I'm Kaylee Mae. So I thought Mae would be nice. I could never steal her as as mom and dad would be a little strange. Some places I go so Mae seem to fit and they're doing very good. Especially he reminds his older brother when he slips up and, "it's Mae, it's Mae!"

[Jaden] I don't really care that often. Because he's still him I guess you could say.

[Zander] Yeah, same, I don't really care.

[Kaylee] In the end of it. I think that we're a super easygoing family. Very, very straightforward. Not a care in the world, really. Just I try to raise my kids how we were both raised, very happy and easygoing. You know, if something's not right, don't hang around there. There's no need to get upset about stuff. Just move on and. Yeah.

So I think that most of the people in the world just think they need to live their lives and everybody's different. So there's no need to charge anybody. It takes more effort and more time from them to go out of the way to maybe save some hurtful things. And it's much easier to just live your life, smile, be happy every day. You never know, you may not wake up tomorrow. And I'm happy when people ask me, how is your day? I say, well, I woke up today. So that's the best start of the day. I woke up and I go to bed - I'm  happy going to bed. Anything else that happens, I look at it as positive as I can, because you only get one life. You're only here for a very, very quick second. And the grand scheme of time. So you just live it. Smile. Treat everybody like like you would treat your mom or your dad or your brother or your best friend or even your dog.

I mean, just treat everybody the same and smile. And it really rubs off on other people. You do one small thing and you may not get it back from them. But the butterfly effect kind of goes down the line and they think of it as well.

And, don't dress your age, dress how you feel. You can't honestly dress how you feel because I dress -  I'm sorry if I dress like really provocative or slutty, I don't know which is a good word to use.

And I feel like I'm a teenager who should be dressed like I can't help but just dress how you feel. Don't let anyone tell you you can't wear that, you're 40 years old, or, Yeah. At the end of the day, one thing that's really important for me is a community to have, if you can find a community and most of it, especially with COVID right now, is online. But there's some really nice LGBTQ and especially just transgender servers. 

I'm in a few of them, and it's great to be able to... people have their stories, their medical information. They they have big pride balls, once a month, stuff like that, where you can all just get together and talk or feel like a part of a family there. And there's lots of people who have no one in their lives. And I couldn't imagine going through this without having some kind of contact. So find a group of people or a person or a pet or even a plant. Anything that's alive that can listen to you, but they don't even have to talk back to you. It's just something that you can talk to. And I think that that could help a lot and and prevent a lot of sadness and maybe questions. Yeah. That's the kind of person I am just always happy. I don't think I've stopped smiling for the last nine months. Every day. I just you know, it feels so good to smile now and I can't help it. It's just who I am.

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Meet Jennifer (she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Jennifer's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/1hGAUlQDkQA

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Hi, my name is Jennifer.

I am 54 years old, from St Catharines, Ontario, and I am a proud transgender woman. This is my fiancée Evelyn, and we are engaged to be married next may. 

I identify as bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women. 

After coming out I joined a women's group that was incredibly accepting here in Niagara. About a year after joining the women's group, I was asked by the founder of the group if I would become a moderator, which is someone who helps with the group itself, hosts events, sometimes fills in for the founder of the group when she couldn't be at the meetings. At one point the founder of the group became pregnant and she asked me would I run the group while she was off on maternity leave and dealing with her child. This gave me the unique opportunity to host these groups for a period of time, and during that time, one of the meetings, Evelyn came in. 

Because I was made to feel welcome, I felt it was my responsibility to pass that on and make everyone else feel as welcome when they first come into the group. So I always made it a habit of spending some time speaking to that person that just came in for the first time because I know it's terrifying. So I made it a point to speak to her and make her feel comfortable as possible and I kind of had this feeling inside that hey we kind of connect on a certain level. And she kept coming for about another three or four weeks and I actually came home from a meeting one night and I spoke to my mom and I said, I think I met a woman that I’m very interested in I think I might actually ask her out.

The funny thing is a few weeks before that I had basically given up on dating. I actually announced to the group that I'm done I’m not going to ask anyone else out ever again, I’m not going to put my heart out there ever again because I had it crushed. But I came home and I told my mom I think I might ask her out for a coffee. And literally that Sunday - we meet on Tuesday nights, I was gonna ask her that Tuesday night - on Sunday Evelyn called me and said would you like to go out for a coffee? And so she beat me to the punch. It was funny. We went out for coffee and it was like two school girls, but we were laughing and giggling so much at each other we were both so nervous and that's basically all that happened right and so we talked a little bit and we kind of hit it off. And then we started going out afterwards on a couple of dates, and then finally we went to Niagara Falls for dinner one night and walked down to the falls, and that was the first time we kissed and it's been wonderful ever since that day. And last September the love of my life asked me to marry her and so this has been an incredibly (I know it's been difficult because of COVID but) last year was a wonderful year because my wife, my future wife asked me to marry her. So I’m very happy about that. 

I realized that there was something different about me at a very young age, I would say probably maybe eight or nine years old I realized that I was different from all the other boys as it were. I didn't quite fit in. I was always more interested in what girls were doing and what they had to do. I think the first time I realized something was different was going to school one day at the very first day of school and realizing that, hey all these girls look so pretty and wearing pretty clothes and it's like I’m just wearing jeans and a shirt, and I’m going I wish I could wear what they were wearing. And I think that's one of the first inklings I had that something was a little different with me. 

I grew up in a Catholic family and was going to Catholic school and Catholic high school and always realized there was something a little bit different about me but couldn't quite identify what it was and back in those days you never heard the word transgender in school especially a Catholic school the word just simply never came up. And it was very difficult for me growing up because I didn't have anyone to go to - to turn to - and to find out why do I feel so different inside. And that caused a lot of pain, a lot of suffering and I realized that I was very attracted to the female sides of things that I didn't really fit in with the boys that much. 

As I got older I kind of did a little bit more research and found out that there were people that didn't identify with the sex that they were born with that their gender was different and kind of understood a little bit more about what I was. And it did make it tough. We went to church every single week and there always seemed to be every so often this sermon in regards to how the gays and people who identify as transgender are abominations in the eyes of God and this made me very confused because I thought well how can I be an abomination of God? God creates everybody in a certain way and here I am being told that because of how I feel inside that I’m not rocking by God. And this led to suicidal thoughts as a teenager, in fact on two separate occasions I grabbed a bunch of pills and a bottle of alcohol and was gonna end my life on at least two or three different occasions. I got perilously close to doing so but I’m very glad that I did not, because life got better eventually. 

I suppressed these feelings as much as I could but every so often I would engage these feelings. I would go out and buy clothing and try it on and it just felt so wonderful to do so. And wasn't anything sexual but it just felt like this is what I believe I should be I’m definitely feel like I’m a girl. And I had to suppress these feelings because of the school I was going to, the people that I live with, my parents, I didn't feel comfortable coming out to them, then life kind of got in the way. And I met a woman, got married to her, had a child, did the whole life thing, tried to present as male as best as I could, I even joined a service group that was all men and tried to be - tried to give back to the community and the funny thing about it was is that I did this and I worked with a lot of young folks and I used to teach kids how to umpire baseball games believe it or not. And it was always the female empires that I seem to take the most care for, and I realized as I like I felt this way inside.

And eventually it got to the point that when I was approximately 50 years old, I had a life crisis a life-threatening crisis I had been diagnosed about 10 years earlier with type 2 diabetes and everything was going well I was in good health and then all of a sudden everything went to heck in a hand basket. And my health started deteriorating. I couldn't keep my sugars under control. My stomach was always hurting. I had all kinds of pain in my abdomen, and my doctor couldn't figure out what was going on. And after about three to six months of suffering with his pain and with the high blood sugars, he sent me to a specialist who diagnosed me with a rare type of diabetes which probably nobody's heard of. It's called diabetes 1.5 or also known as LADA which is Latent Autoimmune onset of Diabetes in Adults. And it's an autoimmune disease that mimics diabetes too but it's actually slightly different and it almost killed me. It was threatening to kill me at least. 

My pancreas was being attacked by the insulin that I was taking and um I was at a point where if it had continued much longer, I could have gotten to the point where my pancreas couldn't have recovered. And that kind of shook me and I realized at that point that all these feelings that I had inside that I’ve been suppressing, it's over I had to be happy I needed to start living my life the way I wanted to. All my life I felt that I kept this hidden and down and anyone who would talk to me would say that there was always this thing underneath the surface that I was hiding from people, and that I didn't seem happy. That I didn't seem... I had anger issues, I didn't seem happy, I didn't seem like... I didn't like myself, I don't know how other people could have liked me at that point. 

So finally I decided that it was time to come out to the world in the fall of 2017 I started coming out to my family and on February 17, 2018, a day I picked intentionally because it's my birthday, I had what I called my rebirth day, and I identified myself to the world as Jennifer for the first time ever and started living as female from that date forward. And it was the happiest day of my life. My family totally accepted me when I came out which has made my life very comfortable and to celebrate I went out and got my hair done that day had my makeup done and my family took me out to the mandarin for lunch that day. It was a very, very special day. 

I came out to my bosses at work about two weeks earlier telling them that I would be coming out as female after February 17th. And my bosses were very accepting and so much so that my boss sent me flowers the first day that I came to work as Jennifer, so they have been behind me 100% right from the start, which has made things very easy for me. 

When I decided to come out, I know a lot of women will wait until they can somewhat pass as female before they came out, but I decided I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait till I passed, so I came out right away and I know I didn't come anywhere close to passing as female and of course it made it difficult walking down the street and going to supermarkets and whatnot and getting the stares, getting the dirty looks, getting the comments. But I was taught by my mother to always walk with your head held high and a smile on your face so um I’ve always had that in my heart, is that despite all the odd looks just keep walking. You know you're a woman, you know it inside, just keep walking and own it. Be yourself. Always be yourself. And I don't care that I didn't pass I was proud to be transgender and yeah eventually the hormones kicked in and the hair started growing in and I started liking the woman that I seen in the mirror a lot more and I started giving her a lot more smiles as the days went on.

[Evelyn] She's had she's had her rough days. She's had her good days, she's had her bad. I do my best to keep her focused. And I try to keep her, like, I just try to calm her, and like, I always tell her that you're a wonderful person or you you're, you know, you're special. You know, I just try to help her through what she has, the rough time, rough days. 

[Jennifer] Part of that roughness was suffering constant delays in my gender confirmation surgery. I was eligible for surgery almost a year and a half ago and unfortunately my endocrinologist was at the point of retiring and as such I had asked him to send the letter to the government in order to fund my confirmation surgery. And on three separate occasions over a period of seven months he had failed to do so. And so I was getting depressed because it felt like I was never going to get this surgery. And Evelyn helped me through these depressive moments and it was really, really bad. And it was tough because it's like, it felt like it was taking forever to get it. And finally my psychiatrist got involved and basically pushed him in order to get the letter written and my psychiatrist also wrote to Montreal in order to kind of ask them hey listen this woman's been waiting for seven months for this doctor to send the paperwork in is there any way that you can rush her surgery through because she shouldn't be penalized because this doctor didn't do his job. And so they did. But guess what, COVID hit, and so it delayed everything again, and so a surgery that I should have had over a year and a half ago only got done last month. So it was a rough time there was very dumb times and Evelyn to help me through it.

[Evelyn] Yeah because a lot of the words I says, it'll come there's always an obstacle. Obstacles always stop something. Like, but it will go through. It's just going to take time and then, like, the same thing I said because COVID showed up it's just delaying, delaying, delaying, delaying, but I just kept telling her it'll come, it'll come, it'll come.

[Jennifer] And yeah. And it did and she was right. 

My life is wonderful. My work is going very well we're very busy at work and I’ve never had any issues with any of our customers. Most of my customers... I work in customer service so I speak directly to all of the customers for our company throughout all of the United States, Canada, Europe. And they've all been very accepting all of them know basically that I’ve come out. 

I had one of our customers one time send me an email and she referred to me as man in the email and I said, I was having a very bad day that day, and I basically replied back or said, thank you for the email and especially thank you for the ma'am I really needed that today. And she goes, well of course you need that! I have a transgender brother and I know what kind of crap they go through, and she goes, I am behind you 100%, and if anybody has any issues, send them my way! I’ll give them a throat punch for you. So that was wonderful. 

So all of our customers, all my customers that I deal with I’ve been very accepting. Life has been wonderful and it seems to be getting better all the time. I have family members that have been very supportive. I have a biological son from my first marriage, and I have a chosen son, who is transgender and he's a very big part of my life and um he is going to be part of our wedding party, so I have a lot of interesting people in my life that make it worth living and make me very happy to be in the community that I’m in. 

Probably the biggest dream, and everybody knows that talks to me, is to eventually build a gay commune on a big farm somewhere and have all of my friends come and live with us. But probably the most important dream to me is to grow older with this woman. We don't never say grow old because we don't want to grow old, we just want to get older. And just try to meet as many wonderful interesting people as I can. Hopefully to share my experience as a trans woman with other people to hopefully give them hope for the future. And to try and live as authentically as I can myself. And be out there. Hopefully as an example as to how wonderful being trans can be. 

I would probably want to remind myself in the future that, you are worthy of love. That you deserve the love that you're receiving. That you are a likeable person. That you are a lovable person. And that the love that you're receiving is because of the person that you are. And that you deserve to be happy, finally, in your life. You deserve this happiness. 

My future, I would say, is very bright. I’m waiting to become a grandmother. I’m trying to convince my two sons to get busy and to try and fulfill that. But other than that I’m... basically I’m at a place where I’m incredibly happy and I’m hoping that stays the same for the rest of my life. I’ve just recently had gender confirmation surgery. In fact just a month ago yesterday I had gender confirmation surgery. I am at a place where I am now comfortable with my body. I am very happy. I basically just want to grow old with this woman and I want to hopefully spread the love that I’ve been given by all these other people as far as I can spread it. So that is what I’m hoping for the future.

Always come from a place of love in your heart. Always think about the person first that you're speaking to because the words that you can say can really hurt people. And we need to make sure that when you talk to somebody, it's always from a place of love and not from a place of hurt. Just because you have certain beliefs doesn't mean that those beliefs have to be pushed on to other people. 

Trans people exist. We deserve to exist. We're not going to be erased and just because you have certain beliefs doesn't mean that your beliefs have to affect my life in any way shape or form. I’m just trying to exist, trying to be happy. I’m not going to push my values on you. I don't need your values to be pushed on to me. I have a right to exist. 

The best way that people could help me is just to be supportive of the trans community. I’ve had a lot of love and support but I know there's a lot of trans women and trans men out there and non-binary people that don't have the love and support of their family or their friends. In fact my trans son doesn't have the support of his mother and so these people need help. These people need support and so if you see somebody suffering try to be there for them. Try to be that person that they can go to and share their feelings with. And open up to them. Try to be there to support others because even if you have it good and easy not everybody's in that same boat. So try to be a supportive of your community as much as possible.

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Meet Kermmitt (He/Him)

What follows is a transcript from Kermmitt's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/EF1kilW-Bck

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Hello, my name is Kermit Crowley. I am a 19 year old, disabled transman. 

My identity hasn't changed too much over the years. I've always identified as masculine in some way. Early days, I need more towards gender fluid and then I was non-binary masculine for a while and now I'm just straight binary trans man. Discovering it was a process. The world has always felt off to me in some way. It was very tricky to put my finger on what was wrong and what was going on. 

I didn't really understand it. And then puberty hit and things started spiraling and getting a lot worse and harder to deal with and I didn't know why I felt the way I did but I did and it was so strong and then I started discovering characters in the media that were similar to me. Characters who were endogenous, they didn't particularly care what people read them as gender-wise and were often mistaken for, or intentionally dressed as masculine in some way shape or form, or were read as masculine in some way shape or form. And I thought that's what I want to be, that's who I can identify with, this makes sense to me, this is what's most comfortable for me this is what I want out of my life experience. 

And I didn't really understand it, and then I just by chance started stumbling upon labels like transgendered non-binary things like that and it didn't quite click at first. I spent a good amount of time just sitting there like I want to be that so badly. I want it more than anything else but I'm not that and I don't understand what's wrong and what's going on and I just want to be this. And then finally one day, I was just sitting there and it just kind of clicked and place, like if I want it so bad that probably means that I am in it. There's not really any other qualifiers, that's just what it is is basically. And from there everything clicked into place, everything maybe sense, everything just kind of snapped and all of a sudden I just had this understanding of myself that I had never had before and it felt amazing. 

Before I came out was - it was an odd time. I wasn't really present in the world and in my life. I was just kind of floating by doing whatever I was told basically. I just wasn't really there or connected with life, the world around me. Then when puberty hit I started going down a really bad depression spiral. I was so stressed all the time and I didn't understand what was happening to me or why, even though I knew some of the science behind it. I still couldn't wrap my head around why it was happening to me specifically and why it felt so wrong. 

Coming out has been one hell of a journey, I came out very, very soon after I figured it out myself, and it was very sudden for the people around me. Nobody really fully wanted to accept it or understand it at first except for my oldest sibling who has been amazing throughout all of these years and is now out of the closet and this non-binary themselves, but everybody else was very confused and they thought I was confused and I had a lot of people who straight up thought that I was out of my mind insane. They didn't want to listen to me. They didn't want to take me seriously in any way. There were some people I had to come out to at least five times to get any modicum of respect or just anything other than being misgendered by the pronouns that were assigned at birth.

Coming out has given me an understanding of myself but is completely invaluable to me. I struggle a lot with something called alexithymia where you struggle to know what your own emotions are and how to communicate them with other people. 

But coming out has really given me a connection to my own emotions, my own psychology that I never would have had otherwise. I just wasn't present enough to be there to figure it out. And it's given me names for problems that I never would have been able to pinpoint before, like dysphoria, things like that. And if it's given me an understanding of what medical treatment I need in order to actually combat my depression and anxiety issues and live my life the best that I can. 

My life has a lot of ups and downs and I still have a lot of struggles today especially transition wise, trying to get the medical care I need. People don't really talk about it here, but the medical transphobia and ableism here is absolutely insane sometimes. I have had actual psychiatrists who were - their beliefs and ideologies were that I should not exist basically. And, Having dealt with those people they have basically made things completely inaccessible to me in devastating ways. But it's also - I have a community now and I have people who care about me and people who understand I have friends who know what it's like, I have family members who love me. I have so many people now and I'm able to be myself and I'm able to live my life and be present. 

Before I came out. I didn't really know what my life was going to be like but I had a very hard time picturing myself being able to live past a certain age. Whether it was because my life circumstances didn't seem like I would make it there or because I didn't want to make it there. But now I am hopeful. I'm really hopeful for my future. I've always been a little bit of a pessimist in some ways, but I think nowadays I have possibly the brightest outlook on what my future can be I've ever had in my entire life. 

I think my biggest dreams are of course transitioning but other than that I would say I want to go to acting school. I want to learn to be an actor and I want to be able to act on stage and possibly in front of the screen and I want to - I want to live with, I want to move in with the people who mean the most to me. 

I face quite a few issues. I still struggle with depression related to dysphoria and accessing the transition care that I need is very very difficult for me. I have to find people who will overwrite what previous medical professionals have said so that I am able to access transitional care that I may need. And I have some disability issues that also affect exactly what kind of transitional care that I am able to receive. 

I have a kind of a few comorbid ones. The biggest one is that I am autistic and with that means I have sensory issues. I have difficulty reading social cues and communicating in general but I also struggle with alexithymia, which makes figuring myself out and communicating that to the world very difficult paths. I also have some physical issues specifically with my skeleton. I have some skeletal issues. My bones don't like to stay in the right place. Specifically my hips and I have some issues with my skull that make it hard for, first of all everything to stay connected the way it's supposed to, but also for things like oxygen and blood circulation to get wherever they're supposed to be. 

One of the biggest issues that I've struggled with is my hypersensitivities. I am hypersensitive to pain and that means that certain medical treatments are not as accessible to me as they would be for other people such as injections, needles; I cannot do those at all. So I rely on alternatives to those that are often a lot more expensive and harder to get a hold of. 

Buckle up, there's a lot coming. Those 10 years are going to be rough as hell and you're going to lose a lot and you're going to have to fight in order to keep a lot but you're also going to gain the most precious things in the entire world to you and that's going to be worth every single thing in the world. 

I would remind myself. How much and how hard we have fought for everything in our life, even if people don't think we have, we have fought and we have fought hard and long for everything in our life. And don't forget that. Don't forget that other people are still fighting and don't forget to be kind to those people as much as you can, still being healthy to yourself, but also just celebrate. Celebrate your life how far you've come. Celebrate all the victories in your life. 

Well what kind of guides me in life is; one, the people that I love and that I am closest to who offer me support and love and care and just happiness, fun. Those people mean the world to me, but also just, the world is imperfect and it will never be perfect. Perfect is a myth. It's unattainable by anybody and a lot of people forget that, and forget that perfection is non-existent and it never will exist but that doesn't mean that everything is bad or that life isn't worth living or things like that. 

Some of the most beautiful things in the entire universe are beautiful because of their imperfection. And it's worth it just to see what those are and what life brings. 

People can help by listening when people talk about this stuff. Don't shy away from it, even if it's uncomfortable, even if it doesn't make sense to you. Just listen and take people seriously and respect them above all else. If you cannot offer anything, offer respect as a bare minimum. 

Make sure that you are learning as much as you can about the issues that people like myself and people in the trans community and other minority communities face. Learn about those issues and fight for us. Even if you don't belong to a minority group yourself, fight for us. We are vulnerable and we need the support. People all over the world are suffering and struggling because people don't understand and don't take the time to understand properly. There's a lot of lies and misinformation out there of this kind of thing and a lot of people are just trying to make other people angry and scared and afraid but we are not scary we just want to live.

Don't be afraid of weirdness, don't be afraid of things out of the ordinary, embrace the uniqueness of the world around you and all that it offers you in return, embrace it and learn about it curiosity is one of humanity's greatest strengths. 

You don't have to be scared of what that might bring and what that might reveal.

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