Meet Andy (He/Him)

What follows is a transcript from Andy''s video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/Ueie5Wy6RsQ

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Hi, I'm Andy, and it took me a long time to get that name, but it was actually a name I used to call myself when I was a kid and I used to record myself, you know, on cassettes and you put them in and you record off the radio and you'd like talk in between and introduce.

That's how I used to play, and I used to call myself, Andy. So that's how I ended up getting my name. And I use he/him pronouns. That was also a little bit of a journey to get to that point as well.

And I'm a social worker and I work locally out here in beautiful Workwith, Ontario. So I remember something that stood out to me, and it was when we end up going and talking to your doctor, or in my case, it's a nurse practitioner, they ask you, like, how did it all start and tell me your trans journey?

And I remember being in like grade two or three pretty young, and there was someone who came and presented to the gym and the entire class of the entire school actually was there. And at some point, they had pointed out to me because I had my hand up and they said, the boy in the purple shirt. And everyone started to laugh. And tease me because they knew who I was, and I was the little girl with short hair and had to beg my parents to get that haircut, something that I really wanted. But that always stuck. It stuck out to me; the boy in the purple shirt, and it's enough for me to think about it now and for it to stick with me. I always thought there was something there, and I remember a little bit later on that year, my mom decided to paint my walls pink.

And she, I don't know if she was sensing things, just trying to keep things pink and put your girl in little dresses and make sure that you know they're following along, like all the other little girls. But I got black paint and I put all over my hands and I decorated the walls to let her know how I felt about her choosing pink for me. So very strong willed, I think, at a young age. And sorry, mom. So I think they had the paint over that or made me. Maybe they made me paint over it.

I went to Catholic school, and I didn't have very many examples of people around me who were from the LGBT family. It wasn't really talked about very much. I had to go outside. Internet was a big thing, you know, ICQ and all that good stuff when we were younger and messenger. And so I started talking to people in other areas.

And I met my partner, who was from Oshawa, and she was going to be going to a dance in Toronto, the buddies in bad times. It was a boys and boys and girls and girls dance. And so that was the first time we were 17 or 18, and then we dated for a little bit.

We dated twice, but my partner, she was just coming out herself and interested in lots of girls, and I think girls were interested in her and I can hear her laughing on the side because she probably doesn't want me to tell you. But she dated a few different people and I think I was young, but I wanted to just have one partner and I wanted it to be her. And so I broke up with her twice and then we went and we both married different people.

We had a great time with both persons. We learned a lot of different things and learned how to be good people and better partners to one another. So I thank my last partner for everything that she taught me and so then I was just looking for someone to be friends with, and I needed to learn how to crochet, so I put a post on Facebook and I said, Hey, is there anyone willing to teach me to crochet?

And so she messaged me and said I'd love to and came over. And I think she had other things in mind, but I was innocent. And in all that, of course, she came over. And it was history from there.

So that sort of started. I guess I went through being a lesbian phase, feeling I was a woman and it wasn't until I was maybe 32 that I went to her and I said, Listen, I think I'm a man and I don't know how you're going to take this. But she answered with such positivity and support and willing to listen and like, Oh well, you could try this or you could go on hormones or you could do this. And just knowing that there were some options, opened up, like a whole new world to me.

I felt relief. I felt just in my mind, a little bit of peace and like, Oh my God, there's an opportunity that I can be who I am on the inside that little boy in the purple shirt.

So I think some of the challenges are... A lot more came from coming out to family. And I've had some really supportive, strong people. And I've heard some people really question it and ask awful questions that you wouldn't want to be asked. And people that you wanted to be there to support you and just say, OK, where do we go from here?

And I've been told that I'm going to get beat up in the bathroom and maybe killed. People are worried. They're worried for me. But it's been a challenge.

I think some people have said, like, why would you want to be a man? It's the worst thing in the world.

And it's not a choice. It's not. I've had so many conversations about it. So it's challenging just getting self-affirmation. But it's really funny because we have a foster daughter who lives with us. And when she first came, that was when I was starting to transition.

I think it was like October when I started my hormones, and she came in November. So I thought, OK, I'm going to have to have a conversation with this kid. She's going to see me start growing facial hair.

You know, I wear different, not feminine clothes. And what is she going to think? Is she going to be embarrassed? Is she going to accept me all those fun things? And so I got to happen at the same time that we're also creating an identity of who we were as parents.

So, it was an interesting time. Everything was combined.

Some of it, like I've been up against oppression and felt oppressed when Danielle and I applied for an apartment, and we got told we didn't get the apartment because we had bad credit and we both have excellent credit. So it was obvious to me that we both showed up - I think I was looking pretty butch at the time and they just didn't want people like us there.

So, there's been things like that. But when I get to a bathroom at this point because I'm I feel I'm pretty newly transitioning, I feel like how boy do I have to look today to go into the men's bathroom versus, OK, if I'm in there is really busy or a lot of women going to see me? If my mask is covering, you know, based on what I'm wearing, what where do I fit that day?

It's a struggle. I'm hoping that that becomes clearer and clearer. The more I feel like myself is matching with my outside physical appearance. But I'm a social worker, so my whole thing is you got to enjoy the journey. And this is who I am today, and that's OK. So.

So, this is Daniel.

We've been together now for eight years. Soon to be wife, I hope one day, well, we'll see, but I think we've passed the, what is it like a three-year mark normally?

[Danielle] Common Law.

[Andy] Wow.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] So, so Danielle is a nurse and she's been an integral part of my life since I was very young and then we stayed friends. We stayed friends for a good while, we were off being married and doing all that kind of stuff.

And so, you've always been there. And I was always in love with her. I just wanted to be with me and nobody else.

[Danielle] Yeah. You know, I remember quite clearly, we were we were living in Hamilton, and Andy had just come back from training and focusing providers, medical providers about trans care and had to be inclusive. And Andy, I remember Andy came in and he was just pale and didn't look good.

And I said, you know, is everything OK? And he said, I think I'm trans, and I said, I kind of figured that before. But like, you know, that doesn't change anything. And I think that was Andy's worry is, how is that going to change our relationship?

You know, me identifying at that time as a lesbian in a lesbian relationship, how does that change the dynamics of things? And like to me, it's, you know, gender is a social construct, and you know, it's not about, you know, that, you know, I love Andy because of Andy. And I, you know, Andy is trans and I kind of, you know, always knew that, and always loved that about Andy.

And yeah.

[Andy] My cheeks go red sometimes.

Yeah, we I think we had a big conversation about going from a lesbian relationship to a CIS relationship. And I also wonder, you know, your sexuality like I wasn't trying to change you in my decision.

And then you came out and you told me that you were what.

[Danielle] I identify as non-binary. I never fit into any of the gender roles.

[Andy] But not as a pansexual. You told them.

[Danielle] Yeah, I put my attractiveness to a person is not to a gender. I don't believe that you can be attracted just to the gender.

[Andy] So it's like I hit the jackpot.

[Danielle] You know, it's...

[Andy] For me, I think I was even counseling someone at this point too who was coming out. Someone who didn't want to lose their partner and said I'd rather keep my partner than come out because that's more important to me, and that's sort of how I felt. So Danielle had to be OK with that and took a long time to tell her, and now I feel like I'm taking away her lesbian pride.

Like. Are we not part of that same? Like, all your friends are lesbians. You know you're in a different sort of status now, right?

[Danielle] It's kind of a strange position to be in because, you know, for most of my life, I was very butch. I had my hair shaved.

[Andy] Oh, Danielle was the one. Yeah.

[Danielle] I was definitely. And then we've our roles have kind of changed our relationship where, you know, I grew my hair out and he cut his hair off.

[Andy] Danielle cuts my hair for COVID. She gave me this beautiful hawk. Yes, it's my first mohawk.

[Danielle] So you know, you're not visibly queer anymore. I guess is the thing is that you kind of so you think, where do I fit into the... I don't really fit into the lesbian or the queer visually, you know, I still definitely feel like I fit in into that.

[Andy] See, I still think people see me as female when I walk around.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy]So I don't feel like... I think you're still visible at this point. I wear a lot of colorful stuff.

[Danielle] Yeah, it's you know, it's. I think it is what it is, but one day though, right?

[Andy] Yeah, one day I think it's going to be very, very different. I'm going to stick with this and I'm going to go full beard and lumberjack it up, I think.

[Danielle] Well, maybe it's hard because you've kind of gone through most of your visible transition during COVID.

[Andy] Many people who come to me and do the, you know, think I'm a man or and then say sir and then say, sorry, they look at me and they get confused. And yeah, I get a lot of sirs at first, I think and then they look at me and then they second guess it and they apologize. So that's been happening quite a bit. Your family and my friends and like people who have known me and my dead named transitioning to Andy, and he him, I think, has been a challenge for some people.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] I was really lucky. I was working at a place that there was someone who was non-binary and I remember it being a transition for me. And then even in myself calling myself Andy all the time, like I went through a transition with it as well.

And so I try not to. I don't react to people as much. I think if it doesn't, if it happens, I hear it. I definitely hear it and it, but I just glad to be here.

[Danielle] I think you take on that teacher role. I think that's who you are. And, you know, formally being a teacher, I think you still have those qualities where you want to teach people.

[Andy] Sometimes they also say something that.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] I feel, yeah, I feel like I'm. Trying to make it easy for people as well, but I shouldn't like everyone's like, you don't have to tell your story to everyone and teach the world like, that's not my job. I shouldn't have to stop it because that's a lot to take on. But yeah, lately I think I just... People will realize it themselves, and that'll be a bigger teacher because they'll feel embarrassed and they'll be like, Oh, next time I'll do that.

[Danielle] I haven't seen you happier.

[Andy] Really?

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Yeah?

[Danielle] I think in terms of your mental health, it's definitely been.

[Andy] Yeah, I.

[Danielle] I Don't know what.

[Andy] Yeah.

I struggled from when I was a little kid. Like, we came from a lower socioeconomic upbringing. I'd say. Like my parents were, blue collared workers, is what you call them? And life was, you had what you needed, always. But it wasn't always the nice fancy things that everyone else in class had. And so it was rougher.

It was it was harder. And I think around 17 or 18 and coming out, I struggled with my identity. I struggled with the sexuality and a poor girl, I had slept with a girl for the first time, and I think a week later ended up in the hospital and she thought it was totally her. And it wasn't. But I just, I did a lot of years of counseling to help, and I'm in a really good place right now. And I think that it evened things out better, like everyone struggles with their own mental health and, you know, just feeling more balanced within the day starting hormones, I didn't expect that to happen. Just calmer. Peace, peaceful, right?

So we've had a we've had a struggle with family life, and I can see Danielle sort of welling up a little bit to like your eyes got glassy.

We have always wanted to have children, both of us and quite quickly in a relationship, I think realized that we'd be great parents and had good skill set that we could share and tried a lot of routes like we went the fertility route. And we were both. We both struggled with weight at that time where Daniel's lost 50lb in COVID. She's doing excellent. But, you know, we both had a hard time getting pregnant and then we thought, you know, do we? We're trying to work out. But like, is there anything we can do in terms of maybe adopting or fostering?

Are you open to that? And we decided we were both, it didn't have to be our biological child. We just had a lot of love to give to a child that needed it. And so we decided to become adopt, adopt ready parents. We have to do pride training for that. That's what they call it. I always thought it was special. Must be for us. And we waited how many years?

[Danielle] Four years.

[Andy] Four years, being ready and everything approved and the ups and downs of like you go to these events where they put kids profiles out on tables. And it's like a meat market of places that you can; OK, I'm interested in that one. And then you're fighting with someone behind you. You're like, No, I'm going to be a better parent with that one because we're doctors.

I mean. It was a horrible experience, so we finally got matched to one. And then right before they were supposed to start visits with us, I guess we got told that the foster parent wanted to keep the child and they thought that was a better fit, so it didn't upset the attachment.

And we grieved that because we knew the whole story. We knew what to expect. We were we were ready and it was a loss, a big loss. And then we thought, OK, do we keep waiting? We're getting older. Like.

You know, I'm starting to get gray hairs now. Things are happening like that. And we thought, Well, why don't we foster? If we foster, maybe we'll have an opportunity to... Then if a child becomes available, then have them come permanently into our home, right?

[Danielle] And I think it was important that we were upfront with them right away, that you were trans and this was our family. And you know, you know, are they going to be accepting of that? Or, you know.

[Andy] That's what will fit. Yeah, we couldn't have it with a kid that didn't.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Yeah.

But kids are like sponges. They just eat up what you tell them. And like, she started asking me, Why do you wear boys clothes? So we ended up fostering, by the way. So we have our foster child now.

And she's like, Yeah, why? Why is your hair like that? Why do you wish? I kept wondering where I was wearing certain clothes out to places. And so we talked to her and I said, You know, like, this is how I feel most comfortable.

This is who I am and how I want to express myself. And I hope you want me to feel comfortable and happy to do that. And she was like, Of course.

[Danielle] And I think even before we had told her or kind of explained it to her about Andy being trans, she right away asked Andy, "Can I call you, dad? Is it OK if you can be my Dad,

[Andy] Oh. Melted my heart.

[Danielle] And this was pretty early on when she was here. And yeah. So, you know, I think, you know, kids know a lot more than they can pick up on things.

[Andy] And she, on Father's Day, she wrote me, drew me a little picture, and she can barely spell like she's challenged in her spelling, but she can affirm my gender. She gave me like little stubble and a mustache and like, amazing.

You know, what more can you ask for? So I'm going to hold on to that picture forever, I think.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] That's good because I was nervous. I didn't know how she would take it.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy]And yeah, she's been pretty. She's been pretty amazing. I feel I feel awkward going to her Catholic school sometimes.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Do you?

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] And just all the other parents, I'm like, Oh, that's the kid. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if they do that, but I think about that.

[Danielle] Yeah, we worry about those kind of things. So especially in a Christian organization that is not too accepting of...

[Andy] Well, they won't put the flags on. Yeah.

Yeah.

So with every new foster, you don't get a choice as to where the child goes because there was a really nice school right around the corner that she could have gone to.

But so we'll see.

We just found out today, actually, that she might be leaving us like, right before you came, we got a letter. It's a possibility we're going to we're going to find out. So we're in a limbo. So our hearts have been flipped turned.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Excitement. She's coming. I remember waiting at the door the day she was coming on, staring out the window. You couldn't get me away from the door. I was so excited.

[Danielle] Yeah, that's what it is, right?

[Andy] Yeah.

[Danielle] So we have family in a in a different way, and it's it's not the traditional way that we experience family or the schema that you were brought up with.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] And I think that was the trouble to like when I tried to take a leave from work and met with some trouble there and being told that like, we weren't parents like they quoted you or not, parents, you do not get leave.

So challenges, that was a that was a big challenge.

[Danielle] Yes.

[Andy] Come to think of it.

[Danielle] Being treated differently, like you're going off on the sleeve to take care of a child. And you know everybody else when they were going off in that leave or, you know, oh, got a present, and a party and then you were kind of there was a meeting planned right at the end and you thought, Oh.

[Andy] Yeah, there was a meeting, and I thought everyone was going to be there because it was online. COVID had started. And it was just my boss checking in on how much work I did that day.

[Danielle] And that disappointment that, you know, a week earlier, someone went off on that leave and got this whole big party.

[Andy] I donated to that. Not the not that I needed to present. I don't mean that, but it's the whole. When you're a manager, you're fair to everyone and you include. So I felt very othered. And then being told that I couldn't have the leave. And then it was like October. Like I asked before she had come to our home and it wasn't until February when I got approval to be off for 35 weeks.

So they felt like it took months and months. So think of every day not knowing if you have to go back to work or like what's going to happen with your kid or how are you going to? Now you've got to get child care.

It was like very hectic and like, emotionally draining.

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] Um.

And then, yeah, just now being asked if we're interested in putting forth any intent to adopt that puts us in a totally different. It's a fine line from the government's through the ESA. And if you don't cross that border exactly this boundary, you get all the. But that's what I said to them, like, this is how we have our family. This is how we tried to expand our family in other ways, and this is how we have to do it. And I need to leave to attach with my child and they wouldn't give it to me. It was a fight.

That was a challenge. And so you would expect them to be treating their employees. I think with more respect with the laws that are out there, the Legislature that's out there created by the same body, and I felt not treated that way too.

And I think because I was just about to go on a transition like start my transition and I thought I can either go off on a leave medical leave because I didn't want to be in a place that I didn't feel comfortable.

Like it wasn't talked about compared to my other social work agencies that I worked at.

[Danielle] Which were very queer positive.

[Andy] Yeah, and they, you know, you go round the table at a meeting and you introduce your pronouns, and that was the way of things, but it was not like that at all. And so I didn't feel safe.

You know, just being on a team without some discussion and some. So I thought OK, I'll either take a leave or choose the parental leave. And I talked to my union and they felt that it was better to take the parental leave. But then it was like, No, you can't have it. And then they said, Oh, you're already on this because I had started.

I said, I have to be off this stay. The child's coming into my home. Special needs, you know, I have to be there.

I think the great thing about our futures is that we know it'll be together because we both enjoy the same things. We're very outdoorsy and nature, and that's why we wanted to live in a home with trees surrounding it and be able to have animals like your little puppy that you had a whole park if put her down and have the chickens, really love doing that. But I think just being somewhere where there's places to kayak. I think a house like you make the home wherever you go.

We'll be here for a few years. We have something that is strong, found a house. We lived in Hamilton, I guess, was our first house and moved here and bought something that was half done. So we've been putting little bits and little bits into it and building it.

It's sort of a... Do you feel like.

[Danielle] Block by block.

[Andy] Block by block. But like each project we do, do you feel more affinity towards the house and the land and just being here?

[Danielle] Yeah. We're in a very supportive community. So you know, we're very privileged to be where we are today.

[Andy] I think coming from such a hard place. Going through, you know, coming out as being gay and not being accepted right away and fighting for that. And then, yeah, I think a lot of people just thought I was nutty. Because I was dealing with, you know, being OK and finding that identity within myself. It's a it's like going into a cave and then you get to the back of the cave and there's a little crack and you go through the crack and it opens up into another cave.

And I just, it took me a little longer than most people. I guess I feel old doing this by, you know, by the time I'm fully transitioned and feeling myself, I think I'll probably be bald and part of it, right?

I think we've come up with like a whole bunch of advice that we'd give others in terms of thinking, you know, just get talking to someone and sharing and not holding things in. I mean, you've got to be ready because let's face it, there's still real true things that can be done to you and consequences. So you want to be safe and make sure it's a safe person, but get talking to those people and realizing that there's others out there that you're part of the community.

It was really great about this project because when I was introduced to it and I started watching videos, there was two or three people that I've come in contact with. I used to work with Heidi and Peterborough, and I know Cash. And so it's great to feel like I'm part of a community and everything I've been a part of, I know it's not the best place, but there's little Facebook groups that you can join and people, any time you need something, they're there for you. So it'd be great to get connected and feel supported. You told me I don't have to be anywhere yet. Like, I felt like I wasn't male. I wasn't female. I didn't fit this box or that box. And you said, like, why does there have to be a box?

[Danielle] Yeah.

[Andy] And not, you know, pushing yourself to fit into that yet.

[Danielle] I think your personality is very black and white and you struggle with the gray. Yeah.

[Andy] Trying to find the gray?

Yeah. Well. There is such a thing as non-binary. Is that right in the middle in terms of all that stuff?

My trans journey gets better with every step, every day, and every moment. To the place that I want to be. And I just. Want to encourage others to take those steps and walk, to move. Don't stay stagnant. There's great things out there. 

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Meet Luna (she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Luna''s video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/f09iNHM5FYw

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Hi, I'm Lana, and my pronouns are she/her and I'm a transwoman.

I want to talk about how HRT saved my life. When I was like, I must have been like 15, 16 when I came out. I was miserable all the time, and up until then, I didn't really understand why.

I just didn't really feel right ever. I was like 14. 14, 13 years are hard. I came out as bi and I was like, this is something. But I still don't feel whole, really. And I just sort of continued to feel that way until I figured out that I was transwoman.

And everything in life just immediately started to make more sense. I was happy. I felt like myself and my social life was just right and I had never felt that before. But dysphoria was really, really hard.

I spent years where the only thing I could think about was going to the bathtub and castrating myself, because I just needed relief from that. And the urge to do that. It was something I managed to resist because I knew that I would probably bleed out in the bathtub had I tried to do that, and that would have been not right.

So when I started blockers about two and a half months ago now, I felt so much better almost instantly. And when I started estrogen a month ago, I felt even better.

My life is so much higher quality and so much happier, and my body feels like my home for the first time ever. So. If you ever question that and I think you should pursue it, because I found so much better of a life for myself by doing it when I actually came out, my family was, you know, pretty shocked and pretty confused. Took them a while to understand, and I got delayed for a few years because I. Well, I had an unrelated medical issue that made it so I was not physically sick, physically or mentally stable enough to start for about two or three years.

And then immediately after that, I was like, I'm finally ready. Let's do it, aAnd coronavirus happens and I am not going to go get the various blood tests I need at the very beginning of the pandemic when we still don't know what's going on. So that delayed me another year. But we're here now. That's what matters.

A lot of us, my family, just needed time to understand, and my mom took on some papers and beliefs that weren't well founded like Lisa Littman's idea of like rapid onset gender dysphoria, and that wasn't really her fault. It's easy to make these mistakes if you don't have like a good source for someone telling you that this is wrong. It's easy to make that kind of mistake, especially ones like, you know, a well accredited DR prestigious university.

Even if it all turned out to be bullshit later, admittedly, like so it was about reeducating my family. It was about being patient. And then it was about the medical issues where I fell very, very sick because of my allergies, actually, because vaping was just starting to become popular. And in my high school, people were vaping indoors and I was just getting really, really sick in school. And it actually damaged my body so much that I was pretty much immobilized for several months. And yeah, so it took me a very long time to recover from that, both physically and psychologically.

So that delayed me for a while because I didn't want to start the process in an unstable place and then fail and have to start again, because after the other challenges I had, I figured that type of trauma would destroy me.

So I waited and that was hard. That was probably the hardest part, knowing that I had to make the choice for myself to wait, because if I didn't, I would be putting myself in an unsafe situation by doing it.

My relationship with my family, it struggled for a few years because they didn't have the understanding they needed to support me. And I wasn't in a place where I could really teach them. So we struggled with that for a long time.

But eventually it all worked out in a sense. And it also really got kicked off when I got this job with the government and I said, I'm not going to do this as a man. And this is it. Like, you can't stop me and this is going to be how I live. And that seemed to turn around for them, I guess. And now they're really supportive and it's really great.

I'm just less afraid now. I know I still you know, I'm still going to be clocked as trans, but I'm OK with that. My body feels like mine. My. Head feels like mine. My thoughts feel like mine now. In the past, they didn't really feel like they fit and they didn't. And now they do. And I know that's a bit Rambley, but I feel like myself. And that has been the biggest joy of all of it. Really.

My dreams are really to continue to pursue my studies in environmental resource management. And, you know, maybe un-destroy the world from capitalism can be pretty great. But in regards to myself, I really just want to keep living my life. And I'm you know, I haven't made any decisions about surgeries and whatnot, but I know the options out there and I feel good about them. I just you know, we'll see how my body and mind feel at the time.

If I could talk to myself in the past, I would say that it's going to work out. There is a reason you feel disconnected from society. You're not wrong. You're not broken. You struggle to socialize for a reason. It's not a mental health condition. It's not you just being wrong. It's the fact that you're not who you really are and you will get there and it will be OK.

What I've learned is that I can be myself, that I don't need to stop being myself, that I have freedom and I have a life and that I, I get to live it how I want.

Don't question people's identities. Even if you're part of the community, there may be a person's identity or sexuality that you don't understand. But that doesn't mean it's any less valid than your own. By slicing up the community, drawing these like battle lines between like who you think is valid and invalid, that only hurts us.

People with neo pronouns are valid. People with more complex sexualities are valid. And to try and say that we have this line of acceptability that's only going to hurt the community, only going to make it easier to hurt us.

People's identities are valid, and none of us are in a position to tell anyone how to live their lives.

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Meet Riley (pronouns undetermined)

What follows is a transcript from Riley's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/HYSDc2P2T6Q

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Hello, my name is Riley. And my pronouns, I have no idea what they are right now and I identify as nonbinary, but I'm kind of in the process of trying to figure out if maybe it's something else or anything like that.

So for the meantime, I sometimes go by, she, they I have had I don't know how I feel about it quite yet, and I've also, any time I'm finding now that if I get identified as male, it absolutely makes my whole day and brightens my whole afternoon, my day or whatever. And I'll be thinking about it for weeks after. So starting to kind of explore how that kind of makes me feel as well. 

I'm thirty one. And from a very young age, I kinda hung around the boys, was always kind of considered one of the boys, and have even been a groomsman in one of my best friend's weddings and all those kinds of things. And my whole life, it was always, you know, we were playing something when I was a kid and it was no girls allowed. People would be like, well, Riley's in there. And then they'd be like, Riley doesn't count.

So that was always something that made me feel very comfortable with myself. And then as you grow up, you know, things kind of changed, people's interests change and all those kinds of things. And I still felt really comfortable with my friends that they all still considers me one of the guys. And I loved that. So I've always had a good support group in that regard. 

I always kind of felt dysphoric about my chest. Obviously know that when you're little, everybody is kind of running around having having fun, being friends. But I went through puberty very young and just would do anything, I was always quite a tomboy, to cover up. So wearing hoodies and all those kinds of things and, you know, really baggy clothes, which I liked because I like that stuff anyway.

And it was always kind of one of those things where when I would see a trans man, for example, I'd find that jealousy and that pang of kind of sadness that like, oh, I can't do that. I want to, but I don't know how to go about it. And it was always just something I kept in the back of my mind. And I also, when I was really little, I played hockey and then I moved to figure skating. I think part of me wanted to do that because I love Halloween. I was like 50 costumes. It's fun. And I love figure skating for several reasons. Why not just wasn't my thing anymore. And also, once I started getting a chance, those costumes weren't fun for me anymore. All they did was accentuate it. And I was happy to move to hockey. And I thrived and loved it. And I still play. 

So, you know, fast forwarding a little bit, you know, high school, I was still very much a tomboy. And I even had some of my friends, like, you know, I went to a Catholic school and people like Riley, you haven't worn the kilt yet. And my friends would laugh and say, right, will not wear the kilt despite my plaid hat. It was a feminine kilt. Right. So, you know, that wasn't something that I was comfortable doing. So people would always laugh, say Riley is not going to do that.

And then for Halloween, it was always - I think one of the reasons I love Halloween so much is that was my opportunity to be somebody else for the day. So I was - if I look back on my costumes, it was always a man that I would dress up as some kind of male character. And I still love Halloween to this very day. Anybody that knows me can attest to that. So. Again, always finding ways and thinking about my chest and then the university where it's very different. I kind of found that a bit of a struggle.

So I didn't - you know, you try different things. Like try like maybe one day say, hey, you know what, maybe I'll be like Halloween today, you know, so I would wear like the goth makeup or whatever kind of if I felt like I was in some kind of costume, that maybe I'd feel more confident throughout the day. But it still just wasn't working. And then still that paying about my chest. And so I would always wear about three sports for us to kind of compress as much as I can. And then several years ago, I started looking at test binding, which I did for many, many, many years and caused a lot of problems. And then eventually, maybe two years ago, I had just kind of had enough. It's time to do something about it. So I started the journey to get my top surgery, which I got in October 2020. So during the pandemic, it was very nerve wracking because I really wanted it. So I've gotten that. And it's been the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life by far bar none. 

It's like I find myself now. I would go days without looking in a mirror. And now I'm kind of like, oh, you know, quite excited about it. And so riding off of that high, I kind of told my friends and family. My family has been amazing through all of this. So my mom and my aunt came with me to my top surgery, which was really nice, and they were great about it. My mom went and got the pillow for my recovery and everything was great. And my dad was hilarious. When I came home, he said, I bet that's a load off your chest. So it was fun. So, you know, my family's been fantastic about all of this from the beginning, which is really awesome.

You know, I was riding on that high of, you know, I've got my top surgeon, I had told - all my friends have said, oh, yeah, we knew this was coming. So then it got to people would start to ask me, what are your pronouns? And I was like, oh, you can call me she. It's fine. I don't care. You called me that for you know ever. And it's been fine. It's not a problem. But then I think when I started to come down from that high, so once I was all recovered and living, you know, not having to worry about, you know, everything healing and just starting to go about my normal day to day, I started to kind of realize that if I would go to pick up food somewhere, the mam and miss would really bother me. It would be something that I would you know, I started to notice that I would avoid going to those certain places where I knew somebody was going to say, there you are, ma'am, here you are, Miss. How are you today? Miss those kinds of things. And or I would get my male friend to call because I just didn't want to deal with it. And I had say, can you go pick it up? Like I just I can't. And he was amazing in understanding about that. 

So I started kind of talking to my therapist, who's been awesome support for all of this and helped get the ball going with my surgery and everything. And I had said, you know, like I don't know how to feel about this. And she said, well, maybe try going by them for a little bit, see how you feel and if it connects. So I did for about two weeks.

It didn't feel like, oh, that's it. Like that's that's the one. It didn't fall into place. So I was like, I went back to her and I was like, you know, I don't really feel connected to that. And she said, that's totally fine. You tried it. That's how you know. Right. Then I went to go to a store to pick up something for curbside, and I was wearing a touk and a button up shirts and pants and just regular. I had joker and batman shoes. And the lady gave me my stuff. And she said, There you are, son, have a good day. And I got back in my car and I called my friends. I was like that woman. I just thought I was a boy.

And it made my whole day like I was on cloud nine. And because I was wearing a button that was actually a button up after my recovery. So then I went to the store. Right after that, I got into the car and I went to Wal-Mart and bought about four button up shirts, my pineapple one today.

And so I figured, you know, if that kind of is that help, that's something that made me feel so happy. And that clicked like for me. And I find now if somebody ever says like, you know, like if I've gone into a bathroom before and I'll still use the women's washroom if there isn't a gender neutral one. And I was out for lunch the other day and a little girl kind of looked and the mom said, yes, that's a woman. And in a way, even though she said, yes, that's a woman, I was still kind of like, I feel like I'm on your cover.

This is kind of fun. So that like even just that, that that child had to be like second guessing. That just makes my whole day. So with in regards to pronouns, you know, I'm trying to figure out that side of my of my story and my life, my journey. So, you know, they talk about your gender journey. I've told my friends this is my transmission. So kind of fun. 

I'm finding things that make me happy and things that upset me and how to deal with those those parts of being on the trans spectrum. So obviously the one of the first two things I feel like that kind of out to me as you female would be my hair and my voice. 

So with my hair, I'm like, you know, lots of guys have long hair. I listen to heavy metal music. Lots of heavy metal fans have long hair. Why do I have to change my hair for for other people? But then I also kind of think, well, if I did change my hair, that would probably affirm other people talking to me. But so I go through certain days and I'm like, well, maybe I need to change this in order for this to happen. And then other days are like, no, I don't have to do that. I'm going to live my life.

And then obviously, my voice. So I had thought about, you know, is HRT right for me? Is that something that I want to start exploring? So I've spoken to a few people in in support groups. Facebook's been an amazing. An amazing resource to talk to people who are like minded and, you know, so asking people, hey, how how was your, you know, transitioning to using HRT and side effects? And a lot of those things like I don't really want a lot of those things. I just want my voice to change. 

So I. I spoke to my therapist about that. So I've been now starting to look at voice therapy to kind of work with that. So I used to sing and sometimes I still do around the house, much to maybe my neighbor's dismay. You know, I'm going to start working on maybe how I can work with that to affirm a little bit more things. And, you know, as things go along, just how I didn't think pronouns would bother me as much as they have. Maybe that will change. I don't know. That's all part of my transmission. 

I don't have it all figured out. I'm not sure I could be, you know, in my fifties one day who say I've had enough and, you know, you never know. So, you know, it's something that I figure, you know, you don't always end. Some people say, you know, when you know, you're done transitioning and I don't think you ever are done. You know, it's always going to keep going. It's a thing like, you know, when are you done aging? You know, when you're done.

You know, everybody's I'm sure, you know, we change our hair and our clothes and all of those things, and I feel, you know, this is great, you know, gender can be one of those things as well.

So I also identify as asexual. So I do not experience any sexual attraction, no romanticism like I don't I've never had a crush on anybody. And it's funny, though, the only person I ever have had a crush is a very obscure musician who's very androgynous looking.

So my friends always kind of found that that was kind of humorous as well. So, you know, especially with HRT, that can change those kinds of things. And my acceptance of my sexuality was a long road. And I'm at that point where I've accepted it. So I don't want to start fiddling with that kind of thing. It's you know, if you're hanging a picture, don't touch it. It's perfect. Don't touch it. If it's hanging on by that one little nail, don't touch it.

I don't know what my pronouns are. Starting, you know "She" seems to be OK. But Ma'am and ladies and Miss just can ruin my whole day. To the point where I actually got little business cards made that say "Hello, my name is Riley, thank you for helping me today. Please don't use feminine pronouns when referring to me because I'm not a woman. If you slip up, that's OK. We're human and make mistakes. And have a nice day." So kind of I can hand those out if I go to a restaurant as a nonconfrontational way to at least curb those things, that kind of bother me.

So, yeah, trying to figure out, like I said, he seems to be something that really connects with me. So we'll see where that goes. But in the meantime, I just tell people, just don't call me an asshole. Stuff. That's about it.

You don't have to have it all figured out. It's OK. And it's something that can just be ongoing. So I hope this is helpful for some of you who aren't sure where you're at in your journey. You don't have to have it all figured out.

And it's something that you can find in your own time. It's OK. And it's all part of your transmission.  

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Meet Kaylee (she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Kaylee's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/T2X7WupmH8w

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My name's Kaylee. Kaylee Mae. My kids call me Mae. I'm almost 40 years young, so, you know, halfway through life, I go by she/her. I've been out for nine months, 10 months, and on HRT for nine months just the other day.

The last few years I've been a building manager, and I thought I was pretty depressed. I thought I may have had ADD. I thought a few different things. So I tried to, you know, med myself, see doctors,  get meds for that.

None of that was helping. And I thought back to grade 2. When I was told, you know, you can't hang out with the women and that. And I realized that there's a lot more going on there. And finally admitted to myself that, yeah, that's that's what I need. And the day I figured that out for myself, I haven't stopped smiling. It's been amazing. 

When I started transitioning, it was pretty easy. I was surprised, actually. I went to my doctor and I told them and I was a little taken aback when they answered "You're Trans?" like their head went back.

Well, yeah. I mean, do I have to look a certain way or something. And she said no. OK. So they referred me to an ENDO an I did a blood test. I did one more blood test. And then I waited three weeks maybe and I started HRT. And I knew already in the last few years that's something I really wanted. 

Voice training is probably my biggest fear. I can go bra shopping with my wife. I can go get my nails done. I can dress as nice as I like, but I'm still shy to try and do the voice training. I don't know why, but that's the hardest part for me. 

In a way I was debating on if I should do this interview or not, because I hear so many stories of people that lose their lives. You know, they go through a very hard childhood, lots of medical issues. And I've been very fortunate to had almost none of that happen.

And I am sad for some people. But then some people talked to me and told me that you need to give others hope that we're together. We've been married 13 years and our relationship is stronger now than it was before. There so much I can relate to. I mean, and we fit the same clothes. So that's amazing. 

Challenges in my life have not been too many I mean, I have an amazing wife who supports me, two beautiful kids that support me, and they learn about this in school. When I told them it was, one of the hardest things was to tell my family and I thought my kids, I would have to explain a bunch, and as soon as I had told they said, Oh, well, dad, you're transgender then. I read about this in school, and they're only 12 and 13 years old, and I was really surprised that they're teaching that, and it made it a little bit easier for me to explain to them. So it was really nice that the teachers had already gone through some of that, 

At this point, things with my wife are amazing. It started. Well, I mean, just a given. It started pretty strange. I didn't know how it was going to go. In the past, we had experimented with a few other women. I wanted to make sure that things would be OK. I couldn't have done it without her. I don't think I would have. She's my rock, my stone, my whole life. So if the support wasn't there, I don't know that I could have done this. And now things are just we cuddle on the couch. For me and her, it's the greatest night we can have.  So it's nice to be able to do those small things. Holding hands is just so different now, stuff like that. But the little things mean a whole bunch. 

So if I had to give some advice to somebody that's married or in a situation sort of like me? I would say not to go too quick with things. I mean, even if you're going to medically transition, especially, it's a long process. It's years and years. And if you can, like, I really didn't want to scare Kassandra off at all.

It would have really hurt. There's no - there's no need to rush. It's a very long process. So just let it do its time. And I think that that's the best chance to keep your relationship going. And even if you just end up best friends, just if you do things too quick, I think that it could really scare someone off or or catch them off guard in a way that they may not bounce back from. 

Thinking back about it, when I was eight or nine years old and I was learning to break hair and I was sitting with the girls in the class and my teacher pulled me aside and one little comment stuck with me for 30 something years, that you can't do that. You're a boy. You need to be over here. And it was just on the backburner for the next long, long time. And finally, I did something. And I mean, I feel so good. I've never felt this good in my life. 

I see so many other trans people in a lot of the the discords that I'm in. And the one thing that people can't hide is your eyes. Even as mad or upset as you are, their eyes get so big and so happy. And you see the difference in these changes that people go through and the eyes tell the story. I think right there alone. 

I love so many things about, you know, I'm very, very visibly trans. I go out, and I don't try to, you know, where I blend in. I just walk around and I talk to everyone. I really like doing makeup. I haven't had any lessons yet. So it's kind of like a crapshoot figuring it out. Not easy. Same as clothes. I love to go shopping. And I think that Value Village and stores like consignment shops are a trans person's best friend. 

Actually I went to one and it was really neat because I seen a group of six or seven trans women together. And during COVID, that was my only real life... So it was really nice to see that. And yeah, I love shopping. Anything with the face I love to do. I just everything that I've missed out on, I'm starting my hair is getting a little bit longer so I'm able to do a couple of things with it. Everything. I'm just so happy. There's so many things that make me happy about being transgender and more than I thought. 

We're superintendents, we've been superintendence for about 12 years, almost since the time we've been together, and it's really nice.

I've been... through the whole thing I've been working and I get to see a lot of residents. So I've done things slowly. I didn't want to scare anybody or myself, for that matter. I started, you know, just wearing glitter, nail polish and mascara and small things like that. And residents started noticing. But I found that nobody wanted to ask. They just kind of kept being themselves very nice. Most people, having great. 

Work or is super supportive with me. Nothing's really changed at work. In fact, I find people are nicer. I don't know why, but it just probably because I'm being me who I'm supposed to be. So I think it's a really nice thing to have a very supportive company and coworkers. That's great. 

There's a few challenges. The one biggest one, and it didn't bother me for the longest time was, my dead name was I was fine with that. And just the last little bit, it's been hard because there's some people who you've known for a long time and they're not ready to call me that name, and it's hard sometimes, I mean, everything everywhere now is Kaylee. there's no other person here. So it's just reminding them, you know, just a gentle reminder, I don't get offended very easy at all. And I'm a very easygoing person. That's probably the biggest hardship for me. 

There's a few people too that kind of maybe they're not as friendly with me anymore, but they don't say anything. We'll take it. And that's fine. They do their own thing and I'm OK. Not everybody can like everybody. And I think the world's going to like that. It's meant to have some people who like me, some people who love me, and some people who prefer not to talk to me. And that's OK.

In the future... I love office work. I always have. And I also love to gossip. So I would like to get out of superintendent and go work in a nice office setting where I can dress super nice, not have a uniform every day and gossip and just.

Hang out with more, more of a group of people versus just doing a random work order like some of the things at work, losing a lot of muscle, I have to do huge compacter garbage, things that are not as easy to pull anymore. I have to shovel snow in the winter for a massive property, not just in a driveway. So a lot of that stuff gets harder. And I would like to be in an office setting again where I feel super comfy and happy.

I just want to say that I love my wife more than anything in the world. My kids come very, very close second. She is the most important thing for me.

[Cassandra] I'm Cassandra. I'm Kaylee's spouse. I guess I'm supposed to call her now.

We've been married for. Eleven years and together for 13. So it's been really good.

[Kaylee] So one big thing is, is sex with my wife has gone. A lot better, it's not every day, twice a day thing, it's once, once a week maybe, but it's so much better and it's brought us closer.

And I think that's really important to connect like that. It's more meaningful and more time involved. It's really, really nice. And along the lines of that, that's kind of how I made sure that she would be OK with me coming out.

We did experiment with a couple of women. To see if that's something that I guess that I wanted to see. She's a very, very quiet reserved woman, and I wasn't sure if that's something that she would be OK with. And she's definitely OK with that. So I, yeah, I identify as a lesbian. And if she wasn't into women, then I couldn't.

[Cassandra] Well, first, it was pretty weird, I thought, because we used to always joke with me that you wanted to do everything, if he could ever be a girl, he'd want to be a girl.

I mean, it just. It was a shock to him when he decided he was going to. And our relationships been 100 percent better than we thought it would be. I'm fine for 100 percent, so.

After being married for so many years, if you really love the person, you should stay with them. If you don't, then there's no point in staying with that person., Be yourselves. And I'm happy for all of the people that are transgendered or trying to change themselves for the better.

[Kaylee] We have two beautiful kids. They're amazing kids.

Everybody says that about their own kids, I guess. But they really are special. Before I bring them in, I just want to say one thing real fast. They got no Christmas gifts. They saved their money. They got a lot of money. They saved their money till just the other day they randomly found their, PS5 in a store. They lucked out. So they're so happy. They are very patient boys. That kind of just gives a little bit about them. But yeah, I really like if I could introduce our boys to everybody, if that's OK.

Here, come in front here guys.

[Jaden] Hello

[Cassandra] Come sit.

[Jaden] Fine

[Kaylee] This is my eldest, Jaden. Look in the camera here. He is 13 years old

[Jaden] No, 12

[Kaylee] ...going to be 13.

And this one is Zander. Say hi.

[Zander] Hi. I'm going to be 12.

[Kaylee] They were born less than a year apart. The Irish twins, they call it.

[Jaden] No, it was three hundred and seven days.

[Kaylee] So 16 days less than, err, no six days less than a year.

[Zander] No.

[Kaylee] Yeah.

[Zander] 365 days in a year.

[Kaylee] Yeah, less. And okay,, so they've  got some questions maybe for you. 

[Zander] What? I don't... Hi. 

[Kaylee] Excuse the COVID cuts. We haven't made it to the hairdresser yet, so they're pretty good shag. Do you like being a teenager?

[Jaden] Yeah, I guess.

[Kaylee] Yeah. How about you Zander

[Jaden] I'm not one yet

[Kaylee] Are you looking forward to it? Make sure you talk here.

[Zander] Uh... Games. I like the games.,

[Kaylee] Video games and video games. So we went to, Jaden I'd like you to show them this picture. You hold it up close, OK? Zander, tell them where we went.

[Zander] We went to Niagara Falls. To this picture place and they dressed us up and all that.

[Kaylee] They dressed as a what?

[Zander] The wild west.

[Kaylee] Yeah, the Wild West. And what do you guys call me now? What's my name?

[Jaden] Mae. [Zander] Mae.

[Kaylee] So they call me Mae. I'm Kaylee Mae. So I thought Mae would be nice. I could never steal her as as mom and dad would be a little strange. Some places I go so Mae seem to fit and they're doing very good. Especially he reminds his older brother when he slips up and, "it's Mae, it's Mae!"

[Jaden] I don't really care that often. Because he's still him I guess you could say.

[Zander] Yeah, same, I don't really care.

[Kaylee] In the end of it. I think that we're a super easygoing family. Very, very straightforward. Not a care in the world, really. Just I try to raise my kids how we were both raised, very happy and easygoing. You know, if something's not right, don't hang around there. There's no need to get upset about stuff. Just move on and. Yeah.

So I think that most of the people in the world just think they need to live their lives and everybody's different. So there's no need to charge anybody. It takes more effort and more time from them to go out of the way to maybe save some hurtful things. And it's much easier to just live your life, smile, be happy every day. You never know, you may not wake up tomorrow. And I'm happy when people ask me, how is your day? I say, well, I woke up today. So that's the best start of the day. I woke up and I go to bed - I'm  happy going to bed. Anything else that happens, I look at it as positive as I can, because you only get one life. You're only here for a very, very quick second. And the grand scheme of time. So you just live it. Smile. Treat everybody like like you would treat your mom or your dad or your brother or your best friend or even your dog.

I mean, just treat everybody the same and smile. And it really rubs off on other people. You do one small thing and you may not get it back from them. But the butterfly effect kind of goes down the line and they think of it as well.

And, don't dress your age, dress how you feel. You can't honestly dress how you feel because I dress -  I'm sorry if I dress like really provocative or slutty, I don't know which is a good word to use.

And I feel like I'm a teenager who should be dressed like I can't help but just dress how you feel. Don't let anyone tell you you can't wear that, you're 40 years old, or, Yeah. At the end of the day, one thing that's really important for me is a community to have, if you can find a community and most of it, especially with COVID right now, is online. But there's some really nice LGBTQ and especially just transgender servers. 

I'm in a few of them, and it's great to be able to... people have their stories, their medical information. They they have big pride balls, once a month, stuff like that, where you can all just get together and talk or feel like a part of a family there. And there's lots of people who have no one in their lives. And I couldn't imagine going through this without having some kind of contact. So find a group of people or a person or a pet or even a plant. Anything that's alive that can listen to you, but they don't even have to talk back to you. It's just something that you can talk to. And I think that that could help a lot and and prevent a lot of sadness and maybe questions. Yeah. That's the kind of person I am just always happy. I don't think I've stopped smiling for the last nine months. Every day. I just you know, it feels so good to smile now and I can't help it. It's just who I am.

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Meet Madison (She/Her)

What follows is a transcript from Madison's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/0Oy38CL_Zm0

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Hi, my name is Madison Poser, I'm 29 years old. My pronouns are she her. I work as a graphic designer and I am a proud transgender woman. 

Back in 2017, I was working as a graphic designer at a firm in town, and I had just lost my job and my girlfriend had just broken up with me all within like the span of a week. And so I started hanging out with my friends, Alexi, who was also unemployed at the time, so we both had a lot of free time on our hands. And if the topic came up about like gender and she had asked me if I might be transgender after I had told her about some of my desires to like wear women's clothing and how I think about it all the time, wanting to be a woman. And it took my friend asking me if I'm transgender for me to realize. That that was a possibility. Up until that point, I hadn't even considered it. 

So my friend Alexi would actually help me with shopping for women's clothing, and she helped me try on makeup and all these other feminine things. Any time I go over to her apartment, I'd get to dress up as my true self. And it was like so amazing and it made me so happy. And she would refer to me by she/her pronouns and by the name that I had chosen, which was Emma originally, because I thought it was funny, because it went with Emma Poser. It was kind of like a pun. I'm a poser, Emma Poser. So that was initially why I chose that name. But then after some time, I decided to go with Madison because I didn't want my name to be a joke my entire life. 

So, yeah, we would go shopping at thrift stores and anywhere I could find some cheap used women's clothing because I wasn't employed at the time and I would starting out, just stick to her like glue. I was terrified of being seen in the women's clothing section. But over time, it started to get easier and easier. I'd start to stray further and further away.

Eventually, I just went shopping by myself. I bought a dress by myself. And it was so like empowering. I immediately drove home and I dressed up and felt amazing for the rest of the day. It was very empowering. Yeah, there's lots of like moments, like hurdles, I guess that when you pass them, you just feel like a sense of pride in yourself. 

The first few challenges that I faced when I was first coming out, I would say were my parents. The first time that I tried on nail polish, which was like one of the first things I sort of experimented with, I came home with it on my hands and my dad saw. And his reaction wasn't the reaction I would have expected.

My entire life growing up, I thought my parents would both be like super supportive if I ever came out as gay or whatever. And so I wasn't like too worried initially. But as soon as my dad saw that, I had nail polish on. And his reaction that made me really scared to come out to him. 

I was more comfortable coming out to my mom, I actually came out to my mom pretty early on. We were both down at the dock out at our cottage, and it was just me and her. And I just started out the conversation by asking her if she knew anyone who was transgender. And she actually said yes. One of your relatives, distant relatives who lives in Sault St. Marie, is actually transgender, a trans woman.

I didn't even know they were my relative. I had never met them before. Like they were distant relative. I had met that relative like about a year later at a trans coffee meet up here in the city. And it was just really great getting to meet them. And I thought that was so cool. 

And she then asked me, why, why do you bring that up? And and then I just sort of said, well, I've been experimenting with my gender or questioning my gender a little bit. And I'm considering the fact that I may be transgender. And so that's sort of how I came out to my mom. And she was, she got fairly quiet. Yeah, sure. She wasn't sure how to process that because she wasn't expecting it. Obviously, I hid it pretty well. But over time, she she became one of my biggest supporters. And it's actually why I changed my middle name to my mom's first name. 

While I was working as a graphic designer, I didn't actually come out. I was working at an organization here in town, and that was when they had let me go. And that was when I started to experiment. But I was still working sort of freelance for them. Still going by my old name and pronouns, and I just wasn't out yet to anyone for my old job. And then I got a job offer in Ottawa for a two month contract, so I decided to go down there. I accepted that job offer and I still wasn't out. But my brother lived in Ottawa, so I saw that as an opportunity to come out to him while I was down there, because I actually lived with my brother while I was working in Ottawa. Him and his girlfriend, about a month into my contract, 

I had been continuously trying to like pump myself up to come out to my brother, and I just kept putting it off. And then one day I was at the house with his girlfriend and we were just like in the kitchen cooking something. And I decided to come out to her first because I realized that it would be good for my brother to have somebody to talk to who wasn't me about this after I've come out to him. So I came out to my brother's girlfriend and she was super supportive and she said she honestly wasn't worried about my brother reacting negatively, which really put my mind at ease. So it made a lot easier to come out to him.

One night I was just was sitting with my brother in the living room, we were playing Mario Kart and. I told them I had something important, I wanted to tell him, and I told them that I had been questioning my gender. I had this little script that I used for pretty much everybody where I'd say and I've been questioning my gender for the last few months, and I've come to the conclusion that I would be happier living my life as a woman. If you have any questions, I can answer them. I know you're going to need some time to process, but I just want you to know that things won't change too much between us. So so I pretty much told him that. 

And he he was supportive right away. He gave me a big hug, told me he'd be there for me, and that meant the world to me. So I've always sort of looked up to my brother. 

In March of 2017, that was when I first started experimenting with my gender, and then several months went by. Around August, I met with a doctor who was able to sort of help me with getting hormone replacement therapy and explaining everything about transition to me. January 17th, 2018, was the day that I started hormone replacement therapy. So it was less than a year since I realized that I was transgender, that I started transitioning.

And it was February of 2017 that I started my new job at the graphic design firm in Ottawa. I wasn't out socially at that time. I still wasn't really very feminine. And my voice was very deep. My hair was very short and actually falling out. I was like kind of going bald at the time, like early, early baldness, which was kind of terrifying. But the hormones did their work, which was which was a relief. So it actually took me a while to come out and start presenting as a woman in public.

It wasn't until I started going to school for business at Sault College, and actually my first time presenting as a woman out in the public space was at a destination wedding in Mexico. When the bride and the groom, I came out to them a couple of months before I actually went to the wedding. And they said, they encouraged me, to be myself for the wedding and wear a dress and makeup and all the other good stuff. So I did that. It was terrifying. Walking from my hotel room down to the foyer where the rest of the guests were was like the longest walk I'd ever taken.

But I had my friend Alexi there. Thankfully, she really helped me get through it. And she was like always by my side. I mean, just encouraging me and keeping me sane. So one of the biggest highs that I've ever gotten being trans was the moment that I looked in the mirror and saw a woman looking back at me. That was like the the greatest moment. And I knew that everything was going to be perfect. Everything was going to be all right. 

So there's lots of great things about being trans and being a part of this great community. The LGBT community and the trans community was one of them. I got to meet so many amazing people and they were all so supportive. Early on, I was introduced to several trans people who helped me figure out who I am and help squash any doubts I may have had about being trans and really just supported me. And I returned the favor for others trying to support them and explain to them. Sort of the same thing, answer questions and be supportive. 

So I've had some people ask me on social media, they would message me on Instagram, and most of the questions I would get are. How do I come out to people? Or like, I'm scared of coming out to people, How did you do it? And I would actually send them the little script that I had written out that I used for coming out to friends and family. 

A lot of the other questions I would get are people who just have doubts about their feelings about being trans. Where they are worried that it's just a phase or something, and I'm able to tell them that these feelings are natural. A lot of trans women have doubts. Trans men as well have these doubts. I had doubts early on as well, in the end. I'm so much happier living life as a woman and being seen as a woman and presenting as a woman. And that sort of has made me realize that I'm meant to be a woman. 

I find myself quite fortunate to be passing as a CIS. Several people have been surprised when I tell them that I'm transgender and I will never hide that fact. I try not to hide that fact. I wear pride pins and I'm very open about my transition because I find that visibility and exposure for people really helps them sort of understand what being transgender is all about, and it helps them accept it and support. And that was the case with my dad, who was not very comfortable with the whole thing early on. But as time went by, as he started to see me more and more as a woman, makeup, wearing dresses and skirts, all this other stuff, he started to come around and really understand sort of what I was going through and that this wasn't just a phase. 

I've had to remind myself several times during the pandemic that I need to provide self care for myself. Putting on makeup, even if I'm not going out, can really improve my mood. So reminding myself, even if I'm staying at home, laying in bed all day.

One of the things I would tell myself if I could go back in time would be to start applying for the surgery funding right away, because it can take a while. And you may not think you're ready right away and you don't have to be ready right away. I waited about a year before I actually applied for any surgery, and then it took almost another year for it to get approved and go through. Even if you're just starting out, but you know that you're transgender and you may want to get a surgery in the future, you should apply for it sooner. Even if you're not ready for it, because you can always cancel you don't have to go through with it if you don't feel like you want to. 

I would really love to travel. I want to see more of Canada. I've actually been considering traveling, doing a road trip along the East Coast or the West Coast and just sort of seeing what's out there and potentially finding a new place for me to move to and live, because I've lived in Sault St. Marie and I love Sault St. Marie. It's a great city. But I've lived here my entire life, and I feel like there's something else out there for me. So I really want to travel and I would love to continue to help with Pride Fest here in the city, because I became a committee member for Pride back in twenty eighteen, and I've been doing graphic design work for them. 

We created these lawn signs last year and this year, which were a big hit, and I redesigned their logo. So really just like continuing to be a part of the community and giving back. I definitely want to want to continue that. That trail. 

I would say the best bit of wisdom I can provide from my own experience transitioning is to just have patience, have patience in yourself, have patience in others. Other people may need more time to get used to the changes, and everybody transitions differently. It's a different pace for everybody. So don't feel discouraged if your transition isn't going quite as quickly as others because you'll get there.

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Meet Heidi (they/them/she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Heidi's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/qr7XEG6XefY

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My English name Is Heidi. My traditional name has to do with the medicines of the maple tree. I'm from Curve Lake First Nation and I am bear clan. I work for Nogojiwanong friendship center as the indigenous mentor for our 2SLGBTQ+ people.

I have to say I'm very proud of my community my chief and my council. We're holding our second pride in our community but It's our first week-long pride welcoming everybody back into the circle. We have a week-long festivity of events, and we welcome anybody out. It's been absolutely fantastic seeing all these pride flags and signs being flown in our community.

I Identify as being a two-spirit person. I use the pronouns they/them/she/her. I've got grandchildren. They call me kokum, I'm kokum and noki. Noki to my three biological grandchildren, kokum to three grandchildren that have adopted me as their kokum. I knew fairly young, but I still had gotten married because that's what we were supposed to do. I married a man and honestly there's nothing I would change about that because I have my three beautiful children that I had, and my grandchildren, so still I wouldn't change anything with that. But it was hard growing up.

Especially at my age, I know that I look younger than I am, which Is fairly deceiving - I'm fairly lucky from my mother that way, my mom modeled for kodak so my mom's a very beautiful woman - but when I when I came out to my mom, I had been seeing my partner for probably a year. But I had already been dating before that. But when I met my partner, I knew they were the one and I came out to my mom. It was funny because my mom was sitting in my kitchen, and I said it to her and then I started to go down the stairs to the basement. At that time, I smoked cigarettes and the only place we'd smoke in the basement where the wood stove was; you open the wood stove, the smoke would blow out. So, I came out to my mom that way and my mom says, oh I already knew. I've known since you were about 12. so why didn't you say something to me?

My mom's been absolutely fantastic, very supportive. I've been very lucky that way. My children are absolutely supportive. I've been lucky that way.

At school I think people knew but didn't say anything because I was that type of person that if people were getting into a fight, I got in there and stopped It. People didn't mess with me in school but then again, I was also 5’ 11” then, mind you I was about 119 pounds, but I played hockey. I was into the sports. I played ball, I did all that stuff and people just didn't mess with me In school. But I wasn't out to people then either. And It was weird because I picked up on who also was possibly gay but not out. And one of my really good friends happened to be one of them.

I didn't have - it wasn't as much of a hard time when I was younger, other than that I did go, and I was doing what society thinks we should do by somebody born with female genitalia; to marry a man and then to have kids and I did all that. No, I wouldn't change any of that because my kids are my world to me, they're also, you learn something every day and that's part of my learning.

I know that as I was getting older and still with my ex-husband, having that hard time with that relationship, after my son passed away, I saw it as life's too short. And he wasn't always the kindest person, my ex. So, when we finally separated and I started dating, I met my now partner of 12 years. I'm very happy.

I worked In the Anishinabek Police Service for 17 years and most of that was while I was with my ex-husband, so nothing was out there. Even for the first few years of my husband and I being separated and my partner and I being together nothing was said In that police force. Not that I would have had an overly big Issue In the police service but It was how community would react as well. And from what you see with all the signs and stuff for our pride with the community, we have very many members in our community that are identifying as two spirit LGBTQ.

But yeah, when I got into construction, that was the biggest thing. Not letting It out there for safety reasons. But I left that job with construction to become an indigenous mentor for 2SLGBTQ+ people with Nogojiwanong friendship center. I took an over $20 000 pay cut to do It, but I wanted to help support, and get supports for our people that are having those issues. Too many leave their homes and they become part of that MMIW2S (Missing and Murdered Women, Girls and 2-Spirit People). It shouldn't be that way. Our two spirited people were always accepted they were highly regarded In our communities and we needed to get back to that.

So by taking on that position I did with Nogojiwanong friendship center It was to help bring back that ceremony to our two-spirited LGBTQ blessed people. That we all sit in that circle together. It's the way it always was. All the people whether they're red, yellow, black, or white, that circle we have, that medicine wheel we have, is that we all sit on the same level in that circle. And our two-spirited people could sit anywhere in that circle in our ceremonies. We didn't have, we didn't gender our people. We didn't even have words for he or she before colonization.

We would have, basically some of the ceremonies, one of them is like the basket and the bow; that child with rights of passage, instead of gendering that child, that child went into that ceremony, went into that lodge, and they chose either that basket or that bow on what their spirit was leading them to, what their gifts were not what the genitalia they were born with. and with what they came out with Is what their responsibilities were.

Myself being a two-spirited person I would have a hard time choosing because I have that male and that female spirit. And I would have wanted that basket and that bow, not that I was being greedy, but because I assume both those responsibilities. Our two-spirited people are seen to be people that walk in both worlds. We walk in that spirit world, and we walk on mother earth. We're able to communicate between the two.

And my big thing is getting all the communities to do the same thing, all our first nations communities to bring that acceptance back, go back to the ways we use to have. We didn't turn our people away. We didn't turn anybody away. We accepted them for who they were, those gifts they had to offer to the community. And by our pride flag that we've done in our community says we all belong in the circle and that's just it. It's getting everybody back into that circle, that healing's not going to happen until everybody's accepted. Everybody's back in that circle.

We have skirt shaming, so if you're born with female genitalia, it seemed that you’re to wear skirt to ceremony. We didn't always have skirts. Why would we assume somebody must wear that for ceremony? You're talking to creator. You're bringing those ancestors into that ceremony. They don't see what you're wearing. It shouldn't matter what you're wearing.

And why does that have to be part of acceptance? let people be who they are and love them for who they are. For so many of our young ones that's why they leave. They don't feel they're accepted in their communities. They go missing. And If our communities accepted them more for who they are, then they wouldn't be leaving we wouldn't be losing these children.

We not only did not have words for he or she before, but we don't have words for goodbye either It's "baamaapii" until we meet again.

Miigwach (thank you).

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