Meet Riley (pronouns undetermined)

What follows is a transcript from Riley's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/HYSDc2P2T6Q

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Hello, my name is Riley. And my pronouns, I have no idea what they are right now and I identify as nonbinary, but I'm kind of in the process of trying to figure out if maybe it's something else or anything like that.

So for the meantime, I sometimes go by, she, they I have had I don't know how I feel about it quite yet, and I've also, any time I'm finding now that if I get identified as male, it absolutely makes my whole day and brightens my whole afternoon, my day or whatever. And I'll be thinking about it for weeks after. So starting to kind of explore how that kind of makes me feel as well. 

I'm thirty one. And from a very young age, I kinda hung around the boys, was always kind of considered one of the boys, and have even been a groomsman in one of my best friend's weddings and all those kinds of things. And my whole life, it was always, you know, we were playing something when I was a kid and it was no girls allowed. People would be like, well, Riley's in there. And then they'd be like, Riley doesn't count.

So that was always something that made me feel very comfortable with myself. And then as you grow up, you know, things kind of changed, people's interests change and all those kinds of things. And I still felt really comfortable with my friends that they all still considers me one of the guys. And I loved that. So I've always had a good support group in that regard. 

I always kind of felt dysphoric about my chest. Obviously know that when you're little, everybody is kind of running around having having fun, being friends. But I went through puberty very young and just would do anything, I was always quite a tomboy, to cover up. So wearing hoodies and all those kinds of things and, you know, really baggy clothes, which I liked because I like that stuff anyway.

And it was always kind of one of those things where when I would see a trans man, for example, I'd find that jealousy and that pang of kind of sadness that like, oh, I can't do that. I want to, but I don't know how to go about it. And it was always just something I kept in the back of my mind. And I also, when I was really little, I played hockey and then I moved to figure skating. I think part of me wanted to do that because I love Halloween. I was like 50 costumes. It's fun. And I love figure skating for several reasons. Why not just wasn't my thing anymore. And also, once I started getting a chance, those costumes weren't fun for me anymore. All they did was accentuate it. And I was happy to move to hockey. And I thrived and loved it. And I still play. 

So, you know, fast forwarding a little bit, you know, high school, I was still very much a tomboy. And I even had some of my friends, like, you know, I went to a Catholic school and people like Riley, you haven't worn the kilt yet. And my friends would laugh and say, right, will not wear the kilt despite my plaid hat. It was a feminine kilt. Right. So, you know, that wasn't something that I was comfortable doing. So people would always laugh, say Riley is not going to do that.

And then for Halloween, it was always - I think one of the reasons I love Halloween so much is that was my opportunity to be somebody else for the day. So I was - if I look back on my costumes, it was always a man that I would dress up as some kind of male character. And I still love Halloween to this very day. Anybody that knows me can attest to that. So. Again, always finding ways and thinking about my chest and then the university where it's very different. I kind of found that a bit of a struggle.

So I didn't - you know, you try different things. Like try like maybe one day say, hey, you know what, maybe I'll be like Halloween today, you know, so I would wear like the goth makeup or whatever kind of if I felt like I was in some kind of costume, that maybe I'd feel more confident throughout the day. But it still just wasn't working. And then still that paying about my chest. And so I would always wear about three sports for us to kind of compress as much as I can. And then several years ago, I started looking at test binding, which I did for many, many, many years and caused a lot of problems. And then eventually, maybe two years ago, I had just kind of had enough. It's time to do something about it. So I started the journey to get my top surgery, which I got in October 2020. So during the pandemic, it was very nerve wracking because I really wanted it. So I've gotten that. And it's been the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life by far bar none. 

It's like I find myself now. I would go days without looking in a mirror. And now I'm kind of like, oh, you know, quite excited about it. And so riding off of that high, I kind of told my friends and family. My family has been amazing through all of this. So my mom and my aunt came with me to my top surgery, which was really nice, and they were great about it. My mom went and got the pillow for my recovery and everything was great. And my dad was hilarious. When I came home, he said, I bet that's a load off your chest. So it was fun. So, you know, my family's been fantastic about all of this from the beginning, which is really awesome.

You know, I was riding on that high of, you know, I've got my top surgeon, I had told - all my friends have said, oh, yeah, we knew this was coming. So then it got to people would start to ask me, what are your pronouns? And I was like, oh, you can call me she. It's fine. I don't care. You called me that for you know ever. And it's been fine. It's not a problem. But then I think when I started to come down from that high, so once I was all recovered and living, you know, not having to worry about, you know, everything healing and just starting to go about my normal day to day, I started to kind of realize that if I would go to pick up food somewhere, the mam and miss would really bother me. It would be something that I would you know, I started to notice that I would avoid going to those certain places where I knew somebody was going to say, there you are, ma'am, here you are, Miss. How are you today? Miss those kinds of things. And or I would get my male friend to call because I just didn't want to deal with it. And I had say, can you go pick it up? Like I just I can't. And he was amazing in understanding about that. 

So I started kind of talking to my therapist, who's been awesome support for all of this and helped get the ball going with my surgery and everything. And I had said, you know, like I don't know how to feel about this. And she said, well, maybe try going by them for a little bit, see how you feel and if it connects. So I did for about two weeks.

It didn't feel like, oh, that's it. Like that's that's the one. It didn't fall into place. So I was like, I went back to her and I was like, you know, I don't really feel connected to that. And she said, that's totally fine. You tried it. That's how you know. Right. Then I went to go to a store to pick up something for curbside, and I was wearing a touk and a button up shirts and pants and just regular. I had joker and batman shoes. And the lady gave me my stuff. And she said, There you are, son, have a good day. And I got back in my car and I called my friends. I was like that woman. I just thought I was a boy.

And it made my whole day like I was on cloud nine. And because I was wearing a button that was actually a button up after my recovery. So then I went to the store. Right after that, I got into the car and I went to Wal-Mart and bought about four button up shirts, my pineapple one today.

And so I figured, you know, if that kind of is that help, that's something that made me feel so happy. And that clicked like for me. And I find now if somebody ever says like, you know, like if I've gone into a bathroom before and I'll still use the women's washroom if there isn't a gender neutral one. And I was out for lunch the other day and a little girl kind of looked and the mom said, yes, that's a woman. And in a way, even though she said, yes, that's a woman, I was still kind of like, I feel like I'm on your cover.

This is kind of fun. So that like even just that, that that child had to be like second guessing. That just makes my whole day. So with in regards to pronouns, you know, I'm trying to figure out that side of my of my story and my life, my journey. So, you know, they talk about your gender journey. I've told my friends this is my transmission. So kind of fun. 

I'm finding things that make me happy and things that upset me and how to deal with those those parts of being on the trans spectrum. So obviously the one of the first two things I feel like that kind of out to me as you female would be my hair and my voice. 

So with my hair, I'm like, you know, lots of guys have long hair. I listen to heavy metal music. Lots of heavy metal fans have long hair. Why do I have to change my hair for for other people? But then I also kind of think, well, if I did change my hair, that would probably affirm other people talking to me. But so I go through certain days and I'm like, well, maybe I need to change this in order for this to happen. And then other days are like, no, I don't have to do that. I'm going to live my life.

And then obviously, my voice. So I had thought about, you know, is HRT right for me? Is that something that I want to start exploring? So I've spoken to a few people in in support groups. Facebook's been an amazing. An amazing resource to talk to people who are like minded and, you know, so asking people, hey, how how was your, you know, transitioning to using HRT and side effects? And a lot of those things like I don't really want a lot of those things. I just want my voice to change. 

So I. I spoke to my therapist about that. So I've been now starting to look at voice therapy to kind of work with that. So I used to sing and sometimes I still do around the house, much to maybe my neighbor's dismay. You know, I'm going to start working on maybe how I can work with that to affirm a little bit more things. And, you know, as things go along, just how I didn't think pronouns would bother me as much as they have. Maybe that will change. I don't know. That's all part of my transmission. 

I don't have it all figured out. I'm not sure I could be, you know, in my fifties one day who say I've had enough and, you know, you never know. So, you know, it's something that I figure, you know, you don't always end. Some people say, you know, when you know, you're done transitioning and I don't think you ever are done. You know, it's always going to keep going. It's a thing like, you know, when are you done aging? You know, when you're done.

You know, everybody's I'm sure, you know, we change our hair and our clothes and all of those things, and I feel, you know, this is great, you know, gender can be one of those things as well.

So I also identify as asexual. So I do not experience any sexual attraction, no romanticism like I don't I've never had a crush on anybody. And it's funny, though, the only person I ever have had a crush is a very obscure musician who's very androgynous looking.

So my friends always kind of found that that was kind of humorous as well. So, you know, especially with HRT, that can change those kinds of things. And my acceptance of my sexuality was a long road. And I'm at that point where I've accepted it. So I don't want to start fiddling with that kind of thing. It's you know, if you're hanging a picture, don't touch it. It's perfect. Don't touch it. If it's hanging on by that one little nail, don't touch it.

I don't know what my pronouns are. Starting, you know "She" seems to be OK. But Ma'am and ladies and Miss just can ruin my whole day. To the point where I actually got little business cards made that say "Hello, my name is Riley, thank you for helping me today. Please don't use feminine pronouns when referring to me because I'm not a woman. If you slip up, that's OK. We're human and make mistakes. And have a nice day." So kind of I can hand those out if I go to a restaurant as a nonconfrontational way to at least curb those things, that kind of bother me.

So, yeah, trying to figure out, like I said, he seems to be something that really connects with me. So we'll see where that goes. But in the meantime, I just tell people, just don't call me an asshole. Stuff. That's about it.

You don't have to have it all figured out. It's OK. And it's something that can just be ongoing. So I hope this is helpful for some of you who aren't sure where you're at in your journey. You don't have to have it all figured out.

And it's something that you can find in your own time. It's OK. And it's all part of your transmission.  

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Meet Kaylee (she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Kaylee's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/T2X7WupmH8w

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My name's Kaylee. Kaylee Mae. My kids call me Mae. I'm almost 40 years young, so, you know, halfway through life, I go by she/her. I've been out for nine months, 10 months, and on HRT for nine months just the other day.

The last few years I've been a building manager, and I thought I was pretty depressed. I thought I may have had ADD. I thought a few different things. So I tried to, you know, med myself, see doctors,  get meds for that.

None of that was helping. And I thought back to grade 2. When I was told, you know, you can't hang out with the women and that. And I realized that there's a lot more going on there. And finally admitted to myself that, yeah, that's that's what I need. And the day I figured that out for myself, I haven't stopped smiling. It's been amazing. 

When I started transitioning, it was pretty easy. I was surprised, actually. I went to my doctor and I told them and I was a little taken aback when they answered "You're Trans?" like their head went back.

Well, yeah. I mean, do I have to look a certain way or something. And she said no. OK. So they referred me to an ENDO an I did a blood test. I did one more blood test. And then I waited three weeks maybe and I started HRT. And I knew already in the last few years that's something I really wanted. 

Voice training is probably my biggest fear. I can go bra shopping with my wife. I can go get my nails done. I can dress as nice as I like, but I'm still shy to try and do the voice training. I don't know why, but that's the hardest part for me. 

In a way I was debating on if I should do this interview or not, because I hear so many stories of people that lose their lives. You know, they go through a very hard childhood, lots of medical issues. And I've been very fortunate to had almost none of that happen.

And I am sad for some people. But then some people talked to me and told me that you need to give others hope that we're together. We've been married 13 years and our relationship is stronger now than it was before. There so much I can relate to. I mean, and we fit the same clothes. So that's amazing. 

Challenges in my life have not been too many I mean, I have an amazing wife who supports me, two beautiful kids that support me, and they learn about this in school. When I told them it was, one of the hardest things was to tell my family and I thought my kids, I would have to explain a bunch, and as soon as I had told they said, Oh, well, dad, you're transgender then. I read about this in school, and they're only 12 and 13 years old, and I was really surprised that they're teaching that, and it made it a little bit easier for me to explain to them. So it was really nice that the teachers had already gone through some of that, 

At this point, things with my wife are amazing. It started. Well, I mean, just a given. It started pretty strange. I didn't know how it was going to go. In the past, we had experimented with a few other women. I wanted to make sure that things would be OK. I couldn't have done it without her. I don't think I would have. She's my rock, my stone, my whole life. So if the support wasn't there, I don't know that I could have done this. And now things are just we cuddle on the couch. For me and her, it's the greatest night we can have.  So it's nice to be able to do those small things. Holding hands is just so different now, stuff like that. But the little things mean a whole bunch. 

So if I had to give some advice to somebody that's married or in a situation sort of like me? I would say not to go too quick with things. I mean, even if you're going to medically transition, especially, it's a long process. It's years and years. And if you can, like, I really didn't want to scare Kassandra off at all.

It would have really hurt. There's no - there's no need to rush. It's a very long process. So just let it do its time. And I think that that's the best chance to keep your relationship going. And even if you just end up best friends, just if you do things too quick, I think that it could really scare someone off or or catch them off guard in a way that they may not bounce back from. 

Thinking back about it, when I was eight or nine years old and I was learning to break hair and I was sitting with the girls in the class and my teacher pulled me aside and one little comment stuck with me for 30 something years, that you can't do that. You're a boy. You need to be over here. And it was just on the backburner for the next long, long time. And finally, I did something. And I mean, I feel so good. I've never felt this good in my life. 

I see so many other trans people in a lot of the the discords that I'm in. And the one thing that people can't hide is your eyes. Even as mad or upset as you are, their eyes get so big and so happy. And you see the difference in these changes that people go through and the eyes tell the story. I think right there alone. 

I love so many things about, you know, I'm very, very visibly trans. I go out, and I don't try to, you know, where I blend in. I just walk around and I talk to everyone. I really like doing makeup. I haven't had any lessons yet. So it's kind of like a crapshoot figuring it out. Not easy. Same as clothes. I love to go shopping. And I think that Value Village and stores like consignment shops are a trans person's best friend. 

Actually I went to one and it was really neat because I seen a group of six or seven trans women together. And during COVID, that was my only real life... So it was really nice to see that. And yeah, I love shopping. Anything with the face I love to do. I just everything that I've missed out on, I'm starting my hair is getting a little bit longer so I'm able to do a couple of things with it. Everything. I'm just so happy. There's so many things that make me happy about being transgender and more than I thought. 

We're superintendents, we've been superintendence for about 12 years, almost since the time we've been together, and it's really nice.

I've been... through the whole thing I've been working and I get to see a lot of residents. So I've done things slowly. I didn't want to scare anybody or myself, for that matter. I started, you know, just wearing glitter, nail polish and mascara and small things like that. And residents started noticing. But I found that nobody wanted to ask. They just kind of kept being themselves very nice. Most people, having great. 

Work or is super supportive with me. Nothing's really changed at work. In fact, I find people are nicer. I don't know why, but it just probably because I'm being me who I'm supposed to be. So I think it's a really nice thing to have a very supportive company and coworkers. That's great. 

There's a few challenges. The one biggest one, and it didn't bother me for the longest time was, my dead name was I was fine with that. And just the last little bit, it's been hard because there's some people who you've known for a long time and they're not ready to call me that name, and it's hard sometimes, I mean, everything everywhere now is Kaylee. there's no other person here. So it's just reminding them, you know, just a gentle reminder, I don't get offended very easy at all. And I'm a very easygoing person. That's probably the biggest hardship for me. 

There's a few people too that kind of maybe they're not as friendly with me anymore, but they don't say anything. We'll take it. And that's fine. They do their own thing and I'm OK. Not everybody can like everybody. And I think the world's going to like that. It's meant to have some people who like me, some people who love me, and some people who prefer not to talk to me. And that's OK.

In the future... I love office work. I always have. And I also love to gossip. So I would like to get out of superintendent and go work in a nice office setting where I can dress super nice, not have a uniform every day and gossip and just.

Hang out with more, more of a group of people versus just doing a random work order like some of the things at work, losing a lot of muscle, I have to do huge compacter garbage, things that are not as easy to pull anymore. I have to shovel snow in the winter for a massive property, not just in a driveway. So a lot of that stuff gets harder. And I would like to be in an office setting again where I feel super comfy and happy.

I just want to say that I love my wife more than anything in the world. My kids come very, very close second. She is the most important thing for me.

[Cassandra] I'm Cassandra. I'm Kaylee's spouse. I guess I'm supposed to call her now.

We've been married for. Eleven years and together for 13. So it's been really good.

[Kaylee] So one big thing is, is sex with my wife has gone. A lot better, it's not every day, twice a day thing, it's once, once a week maybe, but it's so much better and it's brought us closer.

And I think that's really important to connect like that. It's more meaningful and more time involved. It's really, really nice. And along the lines of that, that's kind of how I made sure that she would be OK with me coming out.

We did experiment with a couple of women. To see if that's something that I guess that I wanted to see. She's a very, very quiet reserved woman, and I wasn't sure if that's something that she would be OK with. And she's definitely OK with that. So I, yeah, I identify as a lesbian. And if she wasn't into women, then I couldn't.

[Cassandra] Well, first, it was pretty weird, I thought, because we used to always joke with me that you wanted to do everything, if he could ever be a girl, he'd want to be a girl.

I mean, it just. It was a shock to him when he decided he was going to. And our relationships been 100 percent better than we thought it would be. I'm fine for 100 percent, so.

After being married for so many years, if you really love the person, you should stay with them. If you don't, then there's no point in staying with that person., Be yourselves. And I'm happy for all of the people that are transgendered or trying to change themselves for the better.

[Kaylee] We have two beautiful kids. They're amazing kids.

Everybody says that about their own kids, I guess. But they really are special. Before I bring them in, I just want to say one thing real fast. They got no Christmas gifts. They saved their money. They got a lot of money. They saved their money till just the other day they randomly found their, PS5 in a store. They lucked out. So they're so happy. They are very patient boys. That kind of just gives a little bit about them. But yeah, I really like if I could introduce our boys to everybody, if that's OK.

Here, come in front here guys.

[Jaden] Hello

[Cassandra] Come sit.

[Jaden] Fine

[Kaylee] This is my eldest, Jaden. Look in the camera here. He is 13 years old

[Jaden] No, 12

[Kaylee] ...going to be 13.

And this one is Zander. Say hi.

[Zander] Hi. I'm going to be 12.

[Kaylee] They were born less than a year apart. The Irish twins, they call it.

[Jaden] No, it was three hundred and seven days.

[Kaylee] So 16 days less than, err, no six days less than a year.

[Zander] No.

[Kaylee] Yeah.

[Zander] 365 days in a year.

[Kaylee] Yeah, less. And okay,, so they've  got some questions maybe for you. 

[Zander] What? I don't... Hi. 

[Kaylee] Excuse the COVID cuts. We haven't made it to the hairdresser yet, so they're pretty good shag. Do you like being a teenager?

[Jaden] Yeah, I guess.

[Kaylee] Yeah. How about you Zander

[Jaden] I'm not one yet

[Kaylee] Are you looking forward to it? Make sure you talk here.

[Zander] Uh... Games. I like the games.,

[Kaylee] Video games and video games. So we went to, Jaden I'd like you to show them this picture. You hold it up close, OK? Zander, tell them where we went.

[Zander] We went to Niagara Falls. To this picture place and they dressed us up and all that.

[Kaylee] They dressed as a what?

[Zander] The wild west.

[Kaylee] Yeah, the Wild West. And what do you guys call me now? What's my name?

[Jaden] Mae. [Zander] Mae.

[Kaylee] So they call me Mae. I'm Kaylee Mae. So I thought Mae would be nice. I could never steal her as as mom and dad would be a little strange. Some places I go so Mae seem to fit and they're doing very good. Especially he reminds his older brother when he slips up and, "it's Mae, it's Mae!"

[Jaden] I don't really care that often. Because he's still him I guess you could say.

[Zander] Yeah, same, I don't really care.

[Kaylee] In the end of it. I think that we're a super easygoing family. Very, very straightforward. Not a care in the world, really. Just I try to raise my kids how we were both raised, very happy and easygoing. You know, if something's not right, don't hang around there. There's no need to get upset about stuff. Just move on and. Yeah.

So I think that most of the people in the world just think they need to live their lives and everybody's different. So there's no need to charge anybody. It takes more effort and more time from them to go out of the way to maybe save some hurtful things. And it's much easier to just live your life, smile, be happy every day. You never know, you may not wake up tomorrow. And I'm happy when people ask me, how is your day? I say, well, I woke up today. So that's the best start of the day. I woke up and I go to bed - I'm  happy going to bed. Anything else that happens, I look at it as positive as I can, because you only get one life. You're only here for a very, very quick second. And the grand scheme of time. So you just live it. Smile. Treat everybody like like you would treat your mom or your dad or your brother or your best friend or even your dog.

I mean, just treat everybody the same and smile. And it really rubs off on other people. You do one small thing and you may not get it back from them. But the butterfly effect kind of goes down the line and they think of it as well.

And, don't dress your age, dress how you feel. You can't honestly dress how you feel because I dress -  I'm sorry if I dress like really provocative or slutty, I don't know which is a good word to use.

And I feel like I'm a teenager who should be dressed like I can't help but just dress how you feel. Don't let anyone tell you you can't wear that, you're 40 years old, or, Yeah. At the end of the day, one thing that's really important for me is a community to have, if you can find a community and most of it, especially with COVID right now, is online. But there's some really nice LGBTQ and especially just transgender servers. 

I'm in a few of them, and it's great to be able to... people have their stories, their medical information. They they have big pride balls, once a month, stuff like that, where you can all just get together and talk or feel like a part of a family there. And there's lots of people who have no one in their lives. And I couldn't imagine going through this without having some kind of contact. So find a group of people or a person or a pet or even a plant. Anything that's alive that can listen to you, but they don't even have to talk back to you. It's just something that you can talk to. And I think that that could help a lot and and prevent a lot of sadness and maybe questions. Yeah. That's the kind of person I am just always happy. I don't think I've stopped smiling for the last nine months. Every day. I just you know, it feels so good to smile now and I can't help it. It's just who I am.

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