What follows is a transcript from Riley's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/HYSDc2P2T6Q
_____________________________________
Hello, my name is Riley. And my pronouns, I have no idea what they are right now and I identify as nonbinary, but I'm kind of in the process of trying to figure out if maybe it's something else or anything like that.
I'm thirty one. And from a very young age, I kinda hung around the boys, was always kind of considered one of the boys, and have even been a groomsman in one of my best friend's weddings and all those kinds of things. And my whole life, it was always, you know, we were playing something when I was a kid and it was no girls allowed. People would be like, well, Riley's in there. And then they'd be like, Riley doesn't count.
So that was always something that made me feel very comfortable with myself. And then as you grow up, you know, things kind of changed, people's interests change and all those kinds of things. And I still felt really comfortable with my friends that they all still considers me one of the guys. And I loved that. So I've always had a good support group in that regard.
I always kind of felt dysphoric about my chest. Obviously know that when you're little, everybody is kind of running around having having fun, being friends. But I went through puberty very young and just would do anything, I was always quite a tomboy, to cover up. So wearing hoodies and all those kinds of things and, you know, really baggy clothes, which I liked because I like that stuff anyway.
And it was always kind of one of those things where when I would see a trans man, for example, I'd find that jealousy and that pang of kind of sadness that like, oh, I can't do that. I want to, but I don't know how to go about it. And it was always just something I kept in the back of my mind. And I also, when I was really little, I played hockey and then I moved to figure skating. I think part of me wanted to do that because I love Halloween. I was like 50 costumes. It's fun. And I love figure skating for several reasons. Why not just wasn't my thing anymore. And also, once I started getting a chance, those costumes weren't fun for me anymore. All they did was accentuate it. And I was happy to move to hockey. And I thrived and loved it. And I still play.
So, you know, fast forwarding a little bit, you know, high school, I was still very much a tomboy. And I even had some of my friends, like, you know, I went to a Catholic school and people like Riley, you haven't worn the kilt yet. And my friends would laugh and say, right, will not wear the kilt despite my plaid hat. It was a feminine kilt. Right. So, you know, that wasn't something that I was comfortable doing. So people would always laugh, say Riley is not going to do that.
And then for Halloween, it was always - I think one of the reasons I love Halloween so much is that was my opportunity to be somebody else for the day. So I was - if I look back on my costumes, it was always a man that I would dress up as some kind of male character. And I still love Halloween to this very day. Anybody that knows me can attest to that. So. Again, always finding ways and thinking about my chest and then the university where it's very different. I kind of found that a bit of a struggle.
So I didn't - you know, you try different things. Like try like maybe one day say, hey, you know what, maybe I'll be like Halloween today, you know, so I would wear like the goth makeup or whatever kind of if I felt like I was in some kind of costume, that maybe I'd feel more confident throughout the day. But it still just wasn't working. And then still that paying about my chest. And so I would always wear about three sports for us to kind of compress as much as I can. And then several years ago, I started looking at test binding, which I did for many, many, many years and caused a lot of problems. And then eventually, maybe two years ago, I had just kind of had enough. It's time to do something about it. So I started the journey to get my top surgery, which I got in October 2020. So during the pandemic, it was very nerve wracking because I really wanted it. So I've gotten that. And it's been the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life by far bar none.
It's like I find myself now. I would go days without looking in a mirror. And now I'm kind of like, oh, you know, quite excited about it. And so riding off of that high, I kind of told my friends and family. My family has been amazing through all of this. So my mom and my aunt came with me to my top surgery, which was really nice, and they were great about it. My mom went and got the pillow for my recovery and everything was great. And my dad was hilarious. When I came home, he said, I bet that's a load off your chest. So it was fun. So, you know, my family's been fantastic about all of this from the beginning, which is really awesome.
You know, I was riding on that high of, you know, I've got my top surgeon, I had told - all my friends have said, oh, yeah, we knew this was coming. So then it got to people would start to ask me, what are your pronouns? And I was like, oh, you can call me she. It's fine. I don't care. You called me that for you know ever. And it's been fine. It's not a problem. But then I think when I started to come down from that high, so once I was all recovered and living, you know, not having to worry about, you know, everything healing and just starting to go about my normal day to day, I started to kind of realize that if I would go to pick up food somewhere, the mam and miss would really bother me. It would be something that I would you know, I started to notice that I would avoid going to those certain places where I knew somebody was going to say, there you are, ma'am, here you are, Miss. How are you today? Miss those kinds of things. And or I would get my male friend to call because I just didn't want to deal with it. And I had say, can you go pick it up? Like I just I can't. And he was amazing in understanding about that.
So I started kind of talking to my therapist, who's been awesome support for all of this and helped get the ball going with my surgery and everything. And I had said, you know, like I don't know how to feel about this. And she said, well, maybe try going by them for a little bit, see how you feel and if it connects. So I did for about two weeks.
It didn't feel like, oh, that's it. Like that's that's the one. It didn't fall into place. So I was like, I went back to her and I was like, you know, I don't really feel connected to that. And she said, that's totally fine. You tried it. That's how you know. Right. Then I went to go to a store to pick up something for curbside, and I was wearing a touk and a button up shirts and pants and just regular. I had joker and batman shoes. And the lady gave me my stuff. And she said, There you are, son, have a good day. And I got back in my car and I called my friends. I was like that woman. I just thought I was a boy.
And it made my whole day like I was on cloud nine. And because I was wearing a button that was actually a button up after my recovery. So then I went to the store. Right after that, I got into the car and I went to Wal-Mart and bought about four button up shirts, my pineapple one today.
And so I figured, you know, if that kind of is that help, that's something that made me feel so happy. And that clicked like for me. And I find now if somebody ever says like, you know, like if I've gone into a bathroom before and I'll still use the women's washroom if there isn't a gender neutral one. And I was out for lunch the other day and a little girl kind of looked and the mom said, yes, that's a woman. And in a way, even though she said, yes, that's a woman, I was still kind of like, I feel like I'm on your cover.
This is kind of fun. So that like even just that, that that child had to be like second guessing. That just makes my whole day. So with in regards to pronouns, you know, I'm trying to figure out that side of my of my story and my life, my journey. So, you know, they talk about your gender journey. I've told my friends this is my transmission. So kind of fun.
I'm finding things that make me happy and things that upset me and how to deal with those those parts of being on the trans spectrum. So obviously the one of the first two things I feel like that kind of out to me as you female would be my hair and my voice.
So with my hair, I'm like, you know, lots of guys have long hair. I listen to heavy metal music. Lots of heavy metal fans have long hair. Why do I have to change my hair for for other people? But then I also kind of think, well, if I did change my hair, that would probably affirm other people talking to me. But so I go through certain days and I'm like, well, maybe I need to change this in order for this to happen. And then other days are like, no, I don't have to do that. I'm going to live my life.
And then obviously, my voice. So I had thought about, you know, is HRT right for me? Is that something that I want to start exploring? So I've spoken to a few people in in support groups. Facebook's been an amazing. An amazing resource to talk to people who are like minded and, you know, so asking people, hey, how how was your, you know, transitioning to using HRT and side effects? And a lot of those things like I don't really want a lot of those things. I just want my voice to change.
So I. I spoke to my therapist about that. So I've been now starting to look at voice therapy to kind of work with that. So I used to sing and sometimes I still do around the house, much to maybe my neighbor's dismay. You know, I'm going to start working on maybe how I can work with that to affirm a little bit more things. And, you know, as things go along, just how I didn't think pronouns would bother me as much as they have. Maybe that will change. I don't know. That's all part of my transmission.
I don't have it all figured out. I'm not sure I could be, you know, in my fifties one day who say I've had enough and, you know, you never know. So, you know, it's something that I figure, you know, you don't always end. Some people say, you know, when you know, you're done transitioning and I don't think you ever are done. You know, it's always going to keep going. It's a thing like, you know, when are you done aging? You know, when you're done.
You know, everybody's I'm sure, you know, we change our hair and our clothes and all of those things, and I feel, you know, this is great, you know, gender can be one of those things as well.
So I also identify as asexual. So I do not experience any sexual attraction, no romanticism like I don't I've never had a crush on anybody. And it's funny, though, the only person I ever have had a crush is a very obscure musician who's very androgynous looking.
So my friends always kind of found that that was kind of humorous as well. So, you know, especially with HRT, that can change those kinds of things. And my acceptance of my sexuality was a long road. And I'm at that point where I've accepted it. So I don't want to start fiddling with that kind of thing. It's you know, if you're hanging a picture, don't touch it. It's perfect. Don't touch it. If it's hanging on by that one little nail, don't touch it.
I don't know what my pronouns are. Starting, you know "She" seems to be OK. But Ma'am and ladies and Miss just can ruin my whole day. To the point where I actually got little business cards made that say "Hello, my name is Riley, thank you for helping me today. Please don't use feminine pronouns when referring to me because I'm not a woman. If you slip up, that's OK. We're human and make mistakes. And have a nice day." So kind of I can hand those out if I go to a restaurant as a nonconfrontational way to at least curb those things, that kind of bother me.
So, yeah, trying to figure out, like I said, he seems to be something that really connects with me. So we'll see where that goes. But in the meantime, I just tell people, just don't call me an asshole. Stuff. That's about it.
You don't have to have it all figured out. It's OK. And it's something that can just be ongoing. So I hope this is helpful for some of you who aren't sure where you're at in your journey. You don't have to have it all figured out.
And it's something that you can find in your own time. It's OK. And it's all part of your transmission.
_________________________________
