Meet Elladan (They/Them)

What follows is a transcript from Elladan's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/XRfDsCblt80

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My name is Elladon, and I use they/them pronouns.

My gender identity is complex. I don't fully understand what it is, and I don't expect other people to understand it if I don't. So, for the most part I identify as non-binary, because while non-binary is accurate it doesn't necessarily do justice to describe what's different about me from other non-binary people, because non-binary isn't just the third gender. Now, it's a little different. I don't know if I’m maybe gender fluid maybe agender. Because my relationship with gender it definitely changes day to day.

For me understanding my feelings and understanding how that related to my identity took a painfully long time. I think it was only feels painfully long because of how obvious it should have been. When I was young, I had thoughts like: transgender individuals can have gender confirming or gender affirming surgery, and I can't have that because I’m not transgender. And that was really upsetting. I n my head at maybe 13 years old, I wished I could get gender affirming surgery but knew I never could because it was only for transgender people. I didn't realize that maybe wanting that could have been a clue.

I would always present a certain way and when strangers would "misgender" me, I found it really exciting and thrilling I had a list I had a physical list every time someone "misgendered" me with the opposing gender to um my assigned one at birth. I would go home and write it in my journal because I was so thrilled about it.

And there there's a lot of other signs. I know I always wanted to shop in different sections and my moms like you can't shop there those clothes aren't for you.

Those thoughts never left. I just adjusted my presentation to fit them. But for me growing up anything related to LGBT was very taboo, very negative, Like I knew in my head, if... I was afraid. I had friends who were part of positive space and different groups at school, and while I personally didn't have anything against it, I was like afraid to openly support it because I knew I would get in trouble. Like there would be negative consequences for me and also, I could pass as just straight and not interested. So that's what I did.

At one point in high school, I had gone to my friends and said, I’m not transgender but, could we try using this new nickname I’ve picked out and these pronouns? Which they didn't do, but the fact that I was thinking hey let's switch up my pronouns and not use my birth name again could have been a good sign.

I became more and more aware that these were identities that existed, but I wouldn't connect them to myself, but I was also not "the other." I didn't feel the need to do a binary transition so I couldn't be trans, and it wasn't until quarantined, I moved out from my family home and I was living with a roommate and I started watching just YouTube videos. They were on my recommended, and a lot of them were transgender TikToks, or memes, just like relatable transgender content. So, I would start watching it thinking, this isn't supposed to be relatable to me but all of it was. So, I kind of got the idea in my head. And then I found out about non-binary.

Pretty much the moment I found out about non-binary, I went, oh! Okay. This is what I am. It makes sense. And pretty much the moment I figured that out, I started making phone calls to my doctor first, before my family. I was like I want to get this train rolling. So probably within the same week of me learning what non-binary was, and that it existed, I was making phone calls to get hooked up at the gender clinic, to get a gender therapist, so I could start getting surgery and just doing all these things I’d dreamed of since being a kid. I was like, okay this is on the table for me. It's happening, and it's happening as soon as possible. The phone calls to family came later.

Life before learning that I was non-binary and that there was something I could do about it was difficult, because I knew I was unhappy. I had not even really hit puberty yet and there were things about my body that I knew I couldn't live with. So, I remember thinking, the medical field today, they could change someone from a man into a woman, or from a woman into a man, but they can't help me. Because like I said I didn't realize there were options for people. I didn't realize people like me even existed, and that made me so mad. I would sit in my room and cry. They were angry tears, because I felt like forgotten, ignored. I felt frustrated with my family, but they didn't know... actually they did know. My family knew I wanted to do this these medical procedures and they always kind of wrote it off as just a phase. I didn't care if I wasn't allowed to dress a certain way or if I had to keep my hair a certain way. But thinking that I couldn't choose what to do with my body and that it had to stay a certain way, it was unbearable.

So, for me coming out happened pretty much the same way that calling my doctors for medical transition did which is within probably a few days of discovering what non-binary was, I was telling people about it.

So, I called my dad first and his reaction was more or less, I’m so glad you finally felt comfortable telling me. Apparently, he'd figured it out a while before. And then I told my brother. After that... He didn't understand at first, because we'd actually had some conversations in the past, like he struggled to understand transgender, but he didn't understand like, neo-pronouns, and all these other genders, because I remember growing up, I just seen a lot of genders on Tumblr, and I will say, I was one of the people who was confused by them. I thought like, there can't possibly be this many. Like why are people doing this? But when I told him I was kind of, I’ve done research now. I’ve watched YouTube videos. I got on Facebook with a more open mind. And so, I was able to talk to him about it and he came around pretty quickly. So, I remember when I first asked him to use a nickname when I was in high school, he was not on board with that. None of my friends were. None of my family was. So I thought, I'll tell him that, you know, I’m non-binary, and that I’m gonna medically transition. But he probably won't be cool with changing my name and pronouns, because that doesn't seem like him. But within a week he... well within a few days, he was making an effort and I’d say within a week, he'd probably stopped getting it wrong altogether. So, after that I told my other siblings, and well, yeah, and they were all on board. They were really supportive. They didn't screw up at all.

My mom found out last. I was really stressed. I didn't want to tell her. I was kind of hoping I could just fly under the radar and see how long it took her to notice. But I knew that if I got surgeries or started hormone therapies, she'd clue in and she had the type of personality where she felt I was deliberately hiding something from her, which I would have been. Then it would be a worse reaction than if I just came out and told her.

So the initial conversation with my mom went very poorly. We got into a big argument, and she told me I was not thinking things through and making a bad decision, and that it was very spontaneous. There was definitely a lot of painful conversations and emotions and discussions that happened between us. And there was definitely more than a few times where I thought like, this is it. She's gonna cut me off. I’m gonna cut her off. Like this relationship is not going to continue.

She got over it quickly. She called me within a few weeks and started talking about it, and then after that, she started doing her own research independent of me. And she was sending me videos by non-binary YouTubers, asking me questions like, is this you? Does this describe you? Is this your experience? And so, we started being able to have a conversation about it. From then on, it's like, every week she does something that surprises me.

I know as a kid growing up, I’d always wanted to use nicknames and it made her really upset. She felt like she put a lot of thought into my name, and I was also named after someone who had been very important to her. So, the most significant thing for me was when she started calling me a name that I preferred. And then even more shocking was when she started using my gender-neutral pronouns.

So, I didn't expect her to ever accept me but honestly within a month she was giving her best effort. And her best effort has turned into genuine support.

Things did eventually go well with everyone.

I’d say coming out to the world, like coming out publicly, has not inherently made things harder, but if anything, it's made things a little bit easier. But coming out to myself has made a lot of my dysphoria worse and it's given me a lot of regret. Which is just funny because like I said I’m pretty young and I know a lot of people take much longer to kind of discover this, but I’ve always had this feeling that I’m wasting my life. Because I took a few extra years for high school, I took a few extra years for college, and all this time, I feel this immense pressure of time, thinking I’m wasting my life, I’m running out of time to accomplish anything. I look at the accomplishments of like teenagers and kids in their young 20s and I think, look at all they've done, and I’m so much older, and I’ve done nothing. So, I have a lot of impending doom hanging over me feeling like my life is almost over.

So, I do know that I’m sitting here looking back going, this isn't a surprise, this isn't new, everyone saw it coming, all the signs were there, I should have put pieces together. Like, so I think a lot, how would my life have been different If I’d gone on hormone blockers? What if I tried to get surgery years ago? What if I’d known this about myself?

I had teachers at school pulled me aside and asked me what pronouns do you prefer, and I was like, why are you asking me that? Like, don't ask me those questions! And yeah, I had a lot of visceral pushing it away for so long, but now that I am accepting it, I’m mad that I didn't do it sooner. Which retrospectively is a bit of a privileged thing to say that, like, the most upsetting thing about coming out is that I didn't do it sooner? But it's true. The most upsetting thing about coming out is that I didn't do it sooner.

it's hard to pinpoint any one way that coming out has made things better. It's more of an overall feeling. It's like, my life has somehow changed, which it has but... it's difficult to really say how or why.

I got a legal name changed. I got my gender markers changed. And I remember thinking when I got my name changed, I didn't think it would be a big deal, because I’ve been going by, you know, a different name my whole life. And when I got the paperwork, I got so scared. I was like did they say no? Did I spend weeks stressing? I was like, how long's it supposed to take to get it back? What are they gonna say? And when I sat down on my bed and opened it, I just started crying.

There were hard parts where I know after coming out to myself, I somehow felt that I see myself this way now. It's so obvious. Of course, the rest of the world will. It didn't occur to me that the entire world wouldn't be on the same page. So, I remember, I got a new job at one point, and I went in there like, fully presenting as non-binary. I had a pronoun pin. I used my new name on my application. And I just immediately got misgendered the whole time. And I did not have the confidence to tell them. I just sat there, and I was like oh... oh... the world doesn't know? Why did I think they would know? So that was kind of a wake-up call.

It's like, just because you and your family know, the world's not going to see you differently right away. Like they don't care how you feel. They just care how you look, and that's what they're going to go off of. So that was hard.

One thing that changed is how I look. I used to present very firmly the opposite gender of what I was, because I did not like being gendered and I thought, well, if people are going to do it anyway, I want them to do it this way. And now that I kind of understand myself better, I don't feel the need to do that. I’m happy to just wear whatever I want to. Do what makes me happy. To look how I want to look.

So, growing up, like as a teenager, a lot of everything I did was to put on a front and to look a certain way to the rest of the world. And it's like all of that is gone now. I’m so comfortable just being me.

I’ve stopped taking medication for anxiety and depression and I felt better than I ever have. I heard all these anecdotes about people who suffered from anxiety and depression their whole life, and then they started transitioning and it got a lot better. Because a lot of that unacknowledged feelings was what was causing... that was the root of the anxiety and the depression. And I remember thinking, well, that won't happen to me because this isn't why... I mean I’ve been anxious and depressed since I was a tiny kid. Like I don't like my gender, but I don't think it's killing me. Turns out it kind of was killing me.

And since coming out and starting to do all these social and physical changes, I feel better. I feel healthier even. My family says I smile more. There are days where I wake up and I think, I’m happy! I’m doing well. One day I was cleaning my kitchen and I stopped and in my head, I thought, I’m thriving! And I’ve never thought that before in my life. But almost every day I can sit there and go, I’m thriving. So.

I grew up very afraid of taking risks and very afraid of changes. So I had very little confidence in myself. I had a lot of body image issues, which led to other confidence issues. But overall, I was not a confident little child. And ever since making this one major decision, it's like, everything about myself has opened up. I have made a lot of decisions I would have never made in the past. I feel like my life has just begun. I feel like, before, I was waiting for my life to end, which is literally true. I had no plans to end it myself, but every day I woke up and thought, if, you know, if I get hit by a car today, there's nothing that I'll regret about it. Whereas now I realize... I had a severe depressive episode just a few days or weeks back, and even in the midst of it, I thought to myself, I have to get out of this because I have things to look forward to!

I’m getting my driver's license, which... I did my written test at 16 and let it expire because I was afraid to set foot inside a car, and now I plan on living in a van and traveling all over North and South America, because I’ve always wanted to see the world. So.

One of the most important things I think people can do, is, not just let people experiment but encourage it. When I was a kid um one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't know this about myself sooner. And as a kid, all the signs were there. But I didn't recognize them. And the people around me didn't recognize them. And the people around me were very invested in the community, but it feels like when I was amongst them, I got overlooked. And I think it's so important that we just normalize these things, because even if something is just a phase or if something is just someone experimenting, there's no harm in that. If I’d had this information sooner, if I’d known about these possibilities, they don't teach it in school, most parents don't talk about it unless you have a friend or a family member who's openly part of the LGBTQ community, it's generally swept under the rug, and you grow up not knowing what options exist.

I think this information should just be available for people. Because having the information doesn't make you a certain way, it just gives you possibilities to pursue if that's what you want to do. I’m really excited about my future which I never thought I would say.

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Meet Jennifer (L) (She/Her)

What follows is a transcript from Jennifer's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/rxHC2cAZwn4

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Hi, my name is Jennifer Anastasia Levine. My pronouns are her and she. I am an IT Technician by trade. I received my credentials in 2005 I think it was, without looking on them. I just got them changed over last year to my new name and so far it's been pretty good. 

Photo by: FOTOGRAFIA INC

When I was 10 I told the doctor I wanted to wear girls clothes and they put me in a youth facility in Kitchener/Waterloo called Lutherwood, and there some bad stuff happened. But however, that's behind me. The worst part of it was over by the time I was 14, with Lutherwood, Mom found out what was going on at Lutherwood and pulled me out of there as fast as she put me in. I moved forward. At 15 I met some people at a center in Guelph called “change now” and one of the girls knew somebody in Toronto at the 519 and they introduced me to her, and she got me a meeting at the Clark Institution (I believe that's what it was back then in the 90s) The Clark Institution gave me a pamphlet on all the stuff I had to do to transition in the beginning, so I took that, read over it. Well I was only 15 at the time, so ultimately this was no good for me because I had to wait till I was 18.

Before I came out it was a single parent family, three girls, one boy, and I don't know where that boy is now. He's somewhere but I don't know where he is. And he was off doing everything by himself. And I’m self-taught, so everything I've learned, I taught myself, including my makeup.

It wasn't all at once. There are people that knew in the beginning and people that didn't know. A little bit of experimenting here and there and everywhere; that's just the way it came in. It just, it flowed. Kind of flowed that way. 

Party in Toronto made my life so much better. It helped me come to terms with some of the stuff that I was dealing with. It made me feel more comfortable being in that situation, because I had the support from people acknowledging that it was cool. I wasn't doing something stupid. I was considered cool to wear makeup. Like, for me to get up on stage as a DJ and put a dress on, man I’m rocking it, I’m cool, I’m the DJ that they want to hear, because I’m playing the tracks that they want to hear. So, I can. It doesn't matter how I look on stage. 

I still get on stage and I get cheered for, no matter how I look. So that whole community was a big support to me, and I've been DJing since I was 12. I got into it to get away from drinking, the law, and doing stupid stuff and it was an outlet for me. And it still is an outlet for me. I worked for four of the main… four of the biggest clubs in Toronto, downtown Toronto. I was made. I didn't have any problems with anybody. People knew me from the club. They knew I was DJ smiles. (Now I’m DJ Linus and DJ DSG) I had a good job. I had a good life. 

When I was 38, I went to Dr Tom and I came out to him. The day I went to Dr Tom's office, I was sitting outside having a cigarette, I was just shaking and I said okay, you remember that thing I said I had to talk to you about Dr Tom? He's like, it's time? I said yeah, it's time. I said, you see my skinny jeans, right? He's like, yeah. Doesn't say nothing about it because guys wear skinny jeans. Well, I said my jeans are women's. The only thing I’m wearing right now is my coat, my hat, and my t-shirt. Those are the only things that are men's. My shoes, my underwear, everything is women's. I said, normally I wear a bra, except for when I go out and stuff, and I, and he was like yeah. Like I said, he said that explains a lot. 

And when I talked to Dr Tom, when I came out to him. I’m like please don't look at me like I’m crazy because I know I’m not and I know this is a thing. And I know. He's like, that's good, okay? Well and then he started talking to me about Dr Maras..., I believe it's Marasala, and she works at the Quest clinic in St Catharines, and he wanted to get us connected with Quest. Well, after three months of Quest not calling us back, I took it upon myself to go on the internet and I went to the Sherburne clinic in Toronto. I got the pamphlet on how to prescribe hormones and blockers to transgender patients. I read over it, before taking it to Dr Tom and I gave it to Dr Tom. Dr Tom goes, okay let me read over it. And in a few days, I had my prescription for hormones. 

And in 2000 I moved to Niagara which made it better on me. I didn't have to hide myself where I had to hide myself in Guelph because it was homophobic as you would say, and it wasn't. Getting out of Guelph and being in Niagara has been a pretty good thing for me, and I don't think I would be where I’m at without Dr Tom. He deserves a high five. So, I think he jumped into this with no knowledge.

I wasn't waiting. I had name change papers signed, put in the mail, on its way, six to eight weeks my name was coming back to me. Dr Tom signed off on it. I went from Jeffrey Thomas Michael Burke to Jennifer Anastasia Levine. I took on my father's last name because my last name Burke was not my last name. It was my older sister's last name, who my mom was married to her father and not mine. So, I took my father's last name and I said to myself anytime I got a chance my name I would take my dad's last name. And I did that. 

Yeah, my coming-out story… My Mom is a superhero. She called me from the hospital, she's like yeah, they just asked me who my next of kin was and they said Jeffrey Burke, and she's like, no, my daughter Jennifer Levenne. And she just calls me up, she's like yeah, I just called you my daughter, and yeah, best part ever. My mom knew because I had all the clothes, and she was always telling me to throw them out. Except with mom, mom's like my bestie. She's been there my entire life. She still lives with me and we get along real well best roommate in the world. So mom, superhero mom, high five.

My mom is my supporter, she's my bestie. Can't talk to her about some stuff. When I mention surgery, she kind of tilts away from it, but now that I’m getting to my surgery letters, she's now gonna face it, that I’m gonna be laying in bed and she's gonna have to help me and what not. And she can't do a lot because she's got a bad back and stuff. So I’m trying to find ways around surgery to not be in bed as much as I’m supposed to and be able to get out of bed. 

So, yeah, I used to go till three, four or five o'clock in the morning. As soon as I heard those birds chirping, I knew I had to get home, because Mom knew I wasn't home. She'd kill me. And I’m afraid of my mom! She scares me. And to this day, my Mom scares me. 

Well the girls were great, because boys weren't allowed in the bedroom but the parents knew that I was raised with all sisters, so they knew I wouldn't do anything because my mom would kill me. I would go over to their house, have sleepover movie night, whatever on the weekend, Mom would get rid of me for a night, right, so she was happy for that, and it was just like, let's put makeup on him. So okay, whatever. Right? After a while, it just became a thing with me, and I could walk down the hall and go in their bedroom, but their boyfriend was at the house and he couldn't even go down the hallway. He was pissed.

I had a girlfriend that… I bought my kilt for St James, my knee-highs and my blouse. But I had it at a girlfriend's house and I would go to their house and change in the morning and wear my kilt to school. 

Over the couple of years being in Niagara, I didn't have anybody to talk to. Mom was in Winnipeg the past two months. I met Steven. Thank you Steven, high five. For shits and giggles I put an ad on a photography site for Toronto, explaining I’m a transgender model looking for a photographer to help me build my portfolio. Because I modeled from the time I was 12 to the time I was 14, or 10 till 14, and Mom always had me busy with my sisters figure skating, modeling, yeah, I did everything the girls did, pretty much, except for hockey. And Steven, I met Steven. We did the first photo shoot paid me $60 for three hours of my time, which was to me, I really didn't care about money. I just cared about photos, and I met Steven, and Steven took the first photo shoot, and we did the first photo shoot, I think, three months ago. 

Ultimately Steven went home, and he was looking over the new photos, and he sent me a link. This link with my photo on a website. And when I started going over the website and seeing what it was all about, and I was reading about it, and I was seeing that they're transitioning later on in life, I started reading over more to see what kind of information that they gave and they give pretty much accurate information, how to start and do your transition, and how to go about things. There are some things that were there that I had access to, like PFlag - high five to PFlag. 

I've talked to some other female models in Toronto, that I’m supposed to meet in the summertime for my birthday, hopefully, if COVOD is gone. And because of Steven, my life is moving in a different direction. And it all extends from me putting that out on Facebook in a modeling group. So ultimately Steven has given me a new reasoning of get out of bed. High five Steven! 

Ultimately, it's because of Steven, I've been given that reason to get out of bed now, and I've been given more energy, and I've been getting the adrenaline that I had when I was in clubs and feeling good, the way I felt like I was back on stage 

My biggest dream for the future is marriage, a happy life, to get my son back, who was taken from me when I came out. Yeah my son is a big part of my life seeing him again would be probably the best. That's the biggest thing I've been fighting over, with my anxiety and my depression, is my son, because just the smallest thing set me off. I would tell my son that, you know what? Dad is still here I’m still Jeffrey Thomas Michael Burke to you. And the day I told my son I changed my name, I explained to him that I wasn't happy and when I told him he was like dad as long as you're happy. That's all that matters, and this flows back into where I said if you want to talk to my mom because my mom will say, she asked my son the same thing and he says as long as dad's happy. 

I had an issue at Tim Hortons one time. Out of respect for the two older ladies that were there I went into the men's bathroom and said women's because I knew the old ladies would go and complain. So I went in the men's bathroom and three kids came in, threw stuff over and caused a problem, and said I was making noises. Yeah, I was making noises. I was taking a poop! 

Ultimately I've had issues with the bathroom but I’m not gonna let that hamper me! Please let me use the bathroom. All I wanna do is go pee. 

Man I even got stopped in Guelph by a cop that busted me when I was a teenager and he ran - he thought I was smoking a joint in my car. I was sitting downtown Guelph having a cigarette. I just drove to Guelph in the middle night for coffee. That was it. I sat downtown Guelph having a cigarette in my car before I go back to St Catherines and, cop pulls in, thought I was smoking a joint, comes up to my car and he's like, ma'am, err, can you please sit up? And I said... I sit up. He goes, Mr Burt? I says no it's Miss Levenne. He thought my id was fake because I hadn't received my birth certificate back yet. My driver's license was changed to my new name but it didn't have my gender change so he thought my id was fake. 

How can people help? People can help by not calling me sir. They can stop calling me he. They can stop referring to me as male pronouns and treat me as an equal, letting me use the women's bathroom. I am not going in there to do anything else but do my business. So that's what people can do to help 

I am set on my goals. I've been battling addiction. I have been dealing with issues from my life, childhood, and stuff that's happened to me over the years; bad things, evil things. And I've been... since finding my boyfriend Alex, I have come to accept some of the stuff that's gone in my past and throw it out there. I've been working with my psychiatrist to find things like; I have ADD. There's been so much that I've come to acknowledge and accept. 

From the day that Dr Tom signed my name change forms, I dropped that dress on. I didn't care what people thought or what they looked... I put that dress on and I went out. Hair, no hair, makeup, no makeup, I put my dress on, went out, dropped my forms in the mail, took a picture, posted it. And it's been fine sailing. So I don't see any challenges in my near future. I see battling infections and stuff from surgery as a possibility. But I I’m looking at that as hopefully Dr Tom will get me a PSW worker that can help me get up and out of bed, because alex can't lift me, because he's had back surgery. And my mom can't lift me up. So, I’m gonna need help getting up out of bed when I come home from the hospital. And that's about the only challenge I see that I faced. 

I started my transition and the best thing I could have ever done for myself. 

Peace, love, unity, and respect. Four words I've learned over the years that I live by, which is what everybody deserves, including myself, and I wish people would do that for all of us, every day, when they see us.

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If All The World Were Roses

Do you like roses? I like roses. They are pretty, they come in different colours, and they smell nice. 

Everyone loves receiving roses when they have accomplished something; after a play, a graduation, or on special occasions like Valentine’s Day.

Imagine a world where the only flowers in the garden were roses. Wouldn’t it get boring after a while? If your entire garden were filled with only roses, it might be pretty for a while, but it would get boring quickly.

When we look around creation, however, there are hundreds and thousands of different kinds of flowers. Tall ones, thin ones, wild ones, cultivated ones, ones that bear fruit and ones that smell nice. There are even some that smell bad and some that are poisonous. Together they all form an ecosystem that often times thrives because of the diversity, different parts benefiting from other parts in a million interconnected ways.

It’s spring time here in Ontario, Canada, and the flowers are in bloom. I look out the back yard and there are two apple trees that have the most beautiful blossom on them. There are tulips, magnolias, and a host of other kinds of flowers that I couldn’t even name; my partner does all the gardening and I just enjoy the view. I’m glad my yard doesn’t just have roses in it, pretty as they are. I enjoy the diversity.

Isn’t it the same with us? Isn’t it boring when we look out and everyone is the same? Doesn’t diversity bring joy, entertainment, new thoughts, innovation, unexpected perspectives, greater learning, a lighter workload, and so much more? It takes all kinds of people to make this world beautiful, and if we were all the same, it would get boring pretty quickly, just as it takes a wide variety of flowers in a garden.

So next time you look at someone who is different from you, whether it be because of race, or colour, or beliefs, or gender, or sexual preference, or intelligence, or physical strength, show them some love. Tell them how much you appreciate them for who they are, and the diversity they bring. Share your own diversity with them - the things that make you different - share your perspectives on things and listen to theirs with open ears and open mind. Learn from each other. Your world and the world around you will be richer for it.