Introductions - Kelly (she/her)

Hello, my name is Kelly.

I was lucky enough to have been assigned the name Kelly Schwab at birth in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan. Unfortunately, although the name fits my female gender perfectly, I was not given the gender assignment to match at the time. This was lost on me until about the age of four when it began to dawn on me that things were not the way they were supposed to be. 

 

Image by _Alicja_ from Pixabay 

In those early years, the world was very different in regards to being transgender. I was bullied in school for not conforming to the social standards of my assigned male gender and have struggled with it all my life. I did my best to fill the expectations of all those around me and be what they wanted me to be, but it was constantly a burden I carried in secret.

 

I am a huge Apple nerd; my first earrings were of the Apple Logo. After attending Sheridan College for graphic design, I sold Apple computers and trained designers on graphic design equipment. After spending time as a Systems Manager at a large design company, I headed off to start my own business in 2001, helping others to use Apple equipment effectively in their businesses, eventually developing that into a Media production business in 2009.

 

I married in 1985 and my wife and I built a life together, raising six children. All this time, being transgender never left me, and the pressure of denying and suppressing who I was continued to grow until I became suicidal and was clinically diagnosed with depression in 2010. On top of that, I became ill in 2016 with cancer, only adding more weight to my already difficult burden. But I am a survivor and eventually I beat the cancer. Unfortunately the gender issues continued to cause me difficulties and eventually resulted in the breakup of my marriage in 2019.

 

While recovering from the breakup and living with my parents for two years, I came to terms with my trans identity, and have begun to find peace about it. By the fall of 2020 I reached a point where I decided to transition full time. I found my own place to live and began HRT treatment, which was not well accepted by my parents initially.

 

Image by Karolina Grabowska from Pixabay 

Since then, though I have lost many friends and even some family members who choose not to understand, I have found many new friends who can accept me for who I am, and support me, along with an incredibly loving brother who instantly accepted my transition.

 

Although I am still a "baby Trans" in many ways, I am finding that the community has been amazingly supportive and I want to give back. I am excited about the Trans Canada Project, and believe my background in Graphic Design and my organizational skills will help to make it a success. I look forward to telling the stories of Trans people from across our country so that others like myself can see that there are many more out there like us - living their lives, authentically and happy.

 

This is my life, and this is my story.

 

Hugs,

Kelly

Meet Kelly (she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Kelly's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/yqWPlKvYnEs

_____________________________________

Hi, I’m Kelly. 

I’m part of the Trans Canada project, and this is my story.

I’m not the kind of girl that wants to be on the shiny side of the camera.

I was born prince albert Saskatchewan way out west, and north, and a while ago. Not telling how long ago; it's a girl's secret!

I’ve kind of known that I was not really a boy since I was about four or five. I didn't have the vocabulary to describe it. I had no idea what it was I just felt wrong. I didn't feel like I fit in.

I’m not really sure how to describe it. It wasn't until puberty that I really noticed I was developing in a way that really wasn't what I was expecting and I kind of expected to grow up to be a girl and I didn't. And honestly, I was devastated. High school was a bit of a blur I kind of forgot and kind of dozed my way through high school. I could have done substantially better, but I was quite upset with my lot in life.

I had a great childhood, great parents, a brother who still adores me, and loves me, and counts me as his sister now, which is absolutely precious to me. He's a wonderful human being, and my parents are actually coming around. I didn't go through a really hyper masculine phase like some people do but I did find a girl that I connected with really well, and we got married and we had six children (one at a time) and I loved being a parent. I really, really wanted to be the mom. I really wanted to carry those kids inside me, and I was jealous of my wife and a little jealous of the daughters that we had.

Again, for the longest time I wished I was a girl, prayed that I was gonna be a girl, went to bed crying and praying that I would be you know instantly a girl, the next morning everything would be fixed. I was miserable but I didn't have a bad childhood and I didn't have a bad life. I had a decent career. I had a great family, had a great wife. I had great parents. Like I said, my brother was awesome. My in-laws were great. I had some really good friends that I made at church and at work that have stuck with me to this day, a long, long time later, but I had this horrible secret in the back of my head and it eventually started gnawing away in a way that made it more and more difficult over time to function. It was stealing bandwidth. It was stealing space, processing power, time. It was consuming more time, until I got so consumed with it and so upset with it that I really lost track of everything else in reality and I wasn't a good parent. I wasn't present. I was so consumed by this I ultimately tried to commit suicide. It scared me. It kind of woke me up.

This was 2008, and I sought help.

I went to my doctor and told him that I was suicidal, and he prescribed anti-depressants and we talked to a psychiatrist. I started talking about getting involved with a counselor of some sort to talk about it, but I never told anybody I was trans.

After doing some research on the internet I discovered that there was such a thing as transgender and it blew me away, because that was me. I didn't know what it was before. I had no language for it. I just knew that I should have been a girl. I didn't know there was such a thing as transgender and there was a way out, but it didn't feel like there was a way out for me.

I eventually went to see a specialist, a gender therapist, and we talked for months and they concluded yes, I am indeed transgender. I do indeed suffer from gender dysphoria and there was actually a way of treating it in a way that would be positive for me in the future, with hormones. I suppressed that for a number of years and the depression got worse not better. I tried various different types of therapy, but I never told any of the medical professionals in my life that I was transgender. I didn't think it was possible for me to come out, for me to transition.

There are stories of all kinds of transgender women living wonderful lives and having come out and having achieved what I never thought was possible for me. I eventually, after a lot of soul searching and a couple of other brushes with suicidal thoughts, came out to my mother, who hugged me and said welcome to womanhood. And yet I was still not going to do anything about it. I told her that I came out to my wife and she said that explained so much. I’m glad you told me. And I promised her that I wouldn't do anything, and we stayed married three years after that.

Our marriage wasn't doing particularly well at that point and a lot of it had to do with my depression and my inability to function well as a parent and as a marriage partner. My transness was consuming so much of my mental bandwidth. There wasn't enough left over for all the other things I had to do as a parent and as a marriage partner, as a friend, as a sibling, as a child of my parents. I let a lot of people down, including myself.

I finally told my doctor that I was transgender, and he said thank you for trusting me with that. I still wasn't going to do anything about it. I talked to my endocrinologist about it, who had discovered my cancer and helped me get past my thyroid cancer, and she basically said no, I will not prescribe hormones for you, I don't treat people like you. I was devastated. I actually wasn't even asking for hormones. I just wanted to tell her that I was transgender.

It wasn't until my wife and I separated and I moved in with my parents that I really got serious help with a psychologist, and got into some intense therapy to deal with the depression and my psychology with my psychiatrist dealing with the medication and me being away from the toxic environment at home and my kids being away from me who was being toxic at the time as well.

I was able to start healing I wouldn't have been able to do that at home. My wife started healing as well, from the relationship that we had that wasn't good for us. I lived with my parents for two years and I finally told my parents that I was trans and that I wanted to do something about it, which is different from what I said four or five years before when I talked to my mom the first time. I finally found the courage to talk to my psychologist about being trans and then finding a transgender therapist that I could talk to about gender-specific items, things, and found a doctor that was specializing in transgender patients and hormone therapy and an endocrinologist that actually supported that.

Ultimately in December of 2020 I moved to my own apartment back here, near my kids and my wife. My wife and I got legally separated. We dealt with that and very shortly after, within a week or so of moving into my own place, I transitioned fully, full time. I ripped the band-aid off. There was no reason to wait. There was no reason to hold back. I was absolutely desperate to be myself. I was holding back, and holding back, and it was painful, and it was destructive, and I finally had the courage and the opportunity to do it, and when I came out to my brother, he basically said okay so you're my sister.

I told my wife that I was going to transition, and she was actually supportive. I told my kids and they said “okay”. So I told a number of friends that were quite supportive and I told my clients and one of them basically said “I don't really care what you wear. I just hire you to solve problems”. So I was in a position where I could transition and I did and I did aggressively and completely and after being on anti-antidepressants for so many years, and they helped regulate my mood; they helped soften the roller coaster - emotional rollercoaster I was on.

The anti-androgens really calmed me down. They so totally got rid of - the only way I could describe it is a kind of an angry little buzz in the back of my head that I never knew was there until it was gone - and the blessed peace that came from that! Oh, I do not miss testosterone at all! The estrogen took a little longer to do stuff.

I live almost daily in a state of joy. I don't remember ever being joyful before. Happy, certainly. Content, absolutely. And you know … but actual joy? I didn't know that was possible! I didn't know that was a thing, and to feel so completely myself for the first time in my life, I didn't know that was possible. I didn't know that was a thing. I didn't know I could have that. I hated what I looked like. I couldn't stand looking in the mirror my entire life. I didn't take care of my appearance. I didn't look in the mirror. I did not want to have anything to do myself with myself.

I didn't really know why. I never really was able to put my finger on it. I didn't have the vocabulary to describe it until I found out that I was trans, and even then, I was just unhappy with who I turned out to be. Now I wake up in the morning, my hair is all frizzled, I have no makeup on, and I look like crap, and I go look in the mirror, and I smile! It makes me happy. I never had that before my entire life.

I get up early in the morning now. My brother said, “I’m more surprised that you get up in the morning early than I am that you're a girl”. I used to stay up till three four o'clock in the morning and then sleep until two in the afternoon I was completely useless around the house. I was losing business. I was losing friends. I was losing my family. I was so depressed I couldn't function. Now I get up early in the morning, put on some music, dance, and then communicate with a bunch of people - network with a bunch of people. I was such an introvert before. Now I’m joining women's groups and networking with people for business and for pleasure, just to meet people. Just to be part of something. I’m happy with myself. I’m actually happy, and I can say that and it's true. I’m content with myself and I find joy in life. Not many people get to say that.

And I’m lucky that I survived my depression long enough to be able to get here. I have a future. I actually have a future now.

I wish I’d done it earlier. But I didn't. But I’m so glad that I transitioned, because for me the alternative… the alternative was not being around at all.

This is so much better.

This is my life. This is my story.

And I smile now. I’m happy with myself. I’m happy with my friends. I’m happy with my family. I’m happy with me.

_________________________________

Support The Trans Canada Project

https://www.transcanadaproject.ca

https://www.patreon.com/transcanadaproject

Meet Cary (They/Them)

What follows is a transcript from Cary's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/FwqMMRQx2-8

_____________________________________

Hi there, my name is Cary and I'm part of the Trans Canada project, but I am also Trans. 

Kelly and I are asking people across the country to tell their stories to let us find out more about them and so it's not really fair to ask all of them to tell their stories if we're not prepared to tell our stories as well. So this is a real challenge for me just like it is for everybody else who's going to participate in the Trans Canada Project but here we go! 

I'm 55 years old. I live in Elmira Ontario, which is just a little town in Ontario, and I honestly do not even know if there's any other trans people in the town here. There probably are but we haven't met yet. Hopefully, we'll meet someday and get to share each other's stories together in person.

I identify as non-binary trans and that's confusing for some people because they don't understand the non-binary part. People still can understand the whole being binary trans going one direction or the other all the way but this kind of floating in the middle is difficult for people to understand. But for me personally it was a huge relief and a real explanation to me to help me understand myself. When I understood that I didn't have to be completely one side or the other, that that I could be somewhere on the spectrum; somewhere in between.

It's been a long journey for me, I mean I'm 55 years old so obviously it's going to be a long journey. A lot of my life I struggled with dressing in women's clothes and I'm kind of ashamed to say that I hid a lot of stuff and I kind of snuck around about it and it really didn't feel very good to be doing that and it's still hard for me because a lot of my family doesn't accept the way I am and they will tell me so and some of them, when I try to explain it to them. they just shut down. They won't even listen and that's hard too because, you know, everybody feels like they can dump on me and tell me that it's wrong with being trans, but they don't like to hear me explain how it's okay, how it's even “right” what a wonderful thing it is too sometimes. 

I mean I feel like I have learned so much by being trans. Once I started to accept myself, I started to learn to love better, to let go of all the crap that I was carrying with me and I still have some of those things still in there - it's grown in me and it's hard to get rid of some of those things, but I feel like I'm in a much better place now. I'm not hiding things. I can actually live an authentic life and I can work on those things much better. 

Probably the thing that drives me the most is my faith. My faith in God. Lots of people define that differently but growing up in a Christian church I certainly have not thrown out all of the principles or the things that I learned through the Christian church. The moral foundation that it laid was good and I can still say that even though I struggle with some of the beliefs of some Christian people, I have a very strong faith and a few years ago I felt God telling me that, you know what, this is okay Cary. I'm okay with it. And it took me a long time to process that and get around that but eventually I started to accept that in myself and I was able to give myself some grace about it, feel better about it, and I learned a lot of things about love.

I got connected with communities that loved me even though I was trans and even some Christian communities, which was a surprise even to me because, you know, I didn't expect to find Christian communities that would be accepting of people who are trans and gay.

When I struggled with this, with being trans, I wrestled with it so much with god. I would pray so hard. I was so challenged by it and it was just really hard, but I find it interesting that since I’ve accepted it, since I’ve felt God's acceptance in it, that I feel the burden lifted. I feel lighter, you know? There are things in the bible that talk about the joy that comes in just trusting in God; in leaving things to him, and I really feel that.

You can say what you want about scripture verses that are interpreted a certain way, you know? You can argue all those things and I - let me tell you I can argue a lot of them right along with you but I cannot deny the experience of God in my life, and that's what guides me.

There's a lot of people who say they're Christian and are struggling with being gay or being bi or trans or whatever. I want to tell you that God loves you and that it's okay.

The greatest challenge for me has been just my family. I've found great support from a number of communities. I've found great support even from the community around me in general. I've been out, literally dressed, I mean when you're trans it's very visible to people, and you know, I'm sure people tag me as male and often a male in a dress or a skirt and that does still bother people sometimes. But it's been very good. I mean a lot of people are being very good about it, even if it does bother them. I have been accepted and it's been good.

But the greatest challenge for me has definitely been my family. I know they care about me and they want what's best for me and that when they tell me things it's coming from a good place. But honestly, when I challenge them, you know, what is really wrong with it? Why are you concerned? What are the things that … why do you see it as a problem? It's really hard for them to give me an answer and I know, I know that's because there really isn't an answer to that I mean I lived on the other side of that fence. I was one of those people who did that and I know that there is really no reason why this is wrong or bad. But it's very hard when you've been told that all your life, to believe that, and so my family is kind of still stuck in that place and I don't hold anything against them for that because I know what that's like. 

Yeah, coming out has made things easier for me in a lot of ways because I feel more authentic within myself. I feel the shame of it that I had is gone and the burden of carrying that around and feeling like I'm hiding part of myself all the time, constantly trying to hide it, it's gone! There's still the challenge of being out as in, you know, visibly wearing this, and I don't mean the clothes, I mean like just visibly wearing the fact that I'm trans. Because being trans is very visible and people can easily see it. There's the challenge of doing that but being able to take all of that weight and the shame that was part of that and just letting it go has been such a huge blessing to me. And it really has brought a lot of joy to my heart and I find myself smiling more, laughing more than I have in a long time, and just in that way generally happy, even though there's other parts of my life where there are still challenges and things to be worked through and figured out.

I'm still in the process of this transition, and it's hard to say exactly where it will go. I mean who really knows what the future is going to be like? What it's going to hold? Who really knows how things are going to turn out? But I'm feeling good about the direction of this even though there are huge challenges ahead. 

I listen to what other people say around me, other trans people, and I hear their stories. There can be a lot of hurt, and life can be difficult in some ways, but you know life has challenges no matter what you do. There are things that you have to face and you have to struggle with and you find your way through, and this is just one of those challenges it's just something that is and something I need to deal with and as I learn to deal with it and handle it it's much easier for me to have confidence in sharing it and just living it authentically with other people.

And I think (I hope) as I do that, and certainly with some of the experience that I've had, the more I do that, the more people see the authenticity of it, the more people learn that they can accept it too. And I think when people start to accept it they learn as well. They learn to be better friends. They learn to let go some of the things they thought were so important because they've been taught a certain way, and just grab a hold of something better; something bigger than what they've been taught. 

I’m a morning person and I get out of bed pretty early, and I don't sleep a lot of hours but what gets me out of bed in the morning honestly? I don't know, just the idea of a fresh new day and “what will it hold” and the adventure of it all and just getting out there. This certainly is a grand adventure. My future could look like all kinds of things.

I suppose I'm coming out more and more - I mean just the very fact that I'm putting this video together is a huge step of coming out. And that can be really scary because I don't know how people will react. I don't know what other people will do and I have no control over that of course and even now I think it would be easier just to hide. Even if I just completed a transition, it would be a lot easier just to hide as a woman, perhaps, but doing that would be still hiding right? And I think I really want to live authentically. I really want to live the way I am and the way -- the way god made me. 

If I could talk to myself 10 years ago, I don't know, I mean I would probably try and convince myself that I was okay first of all. I would probably try to tell myself that, you know, that this is fine, and you will be fine. But honestly, you know, 10 - 20 - 30 years ago things were not the same in the world it was a lot harder I think to come out. A lot harder to live this authentically. There were a lot more people that were very much against it and it was very much less understood than it is now. I think this is a much better time to be coming out. Honestly, I guess that makes me chicken, but that's okay too. 

If I could remind myself of something in 10 years from now? Of course I don't know what I'll be like in 10 years, or where I'll be or what the world will be like in 10 years. But if I could remind myself of one thing in 10 years I think it would probably be the joy that I felt in just coming out and being able to just experience this and live authentically and just enjoy and appreciate the things that are around me. Because, you know, as life goes on you start to get used to things and some things get easier but I think things also, you know, they become normalized and you start to lose a little bit of that joy in it. So I think it would just be to remind myself of how good this feels right now.

My biggest dream for the future would just be that people would love each other and just see each other as people. It doesn't matter what color, what race, what religion, what ethnicity, what gender, what sex; we're all people. We're all struggling. We're all working towards having a good life and most of us at least are working towards helping others to have a good life. My dream would be that everybody would do that. I mean, world peace and happiness right? 

If I could tell people watching one thing, that thing would probably be; be yourself. Just you do you, I mean. 

People worry sometimes that you're doing you would mean that you're gonna do crazy, stupid stuff and maybe some people would. We have to be careful of that too. But, you know, what if you live in joy and happiness and love for others and love for yourself? Then I think you're going to be on the right track; just do you. Enjoy who you are. Share that with everybody else because the diversity that we have is all part of the blessing of life, and just, please share that with everyone else. 

So, I appreciate the time that I've had here to be able to share my story with you, and I hope you're enjoying all of the other stories in the Trans Canada Project. If you have a story to tell we would love to hear from you; please contact us through our website www.transcanadaproject.ca. if you know somebody who you think has an amazing story, please have them contact us we'd love to talk to them. We want to let people know that Trans people are just regular people, and some of them even extraordinary people, who have fantastic stories to tell, and we want to share those stories with other people. Of course, we can't do all of this without your support, and I would just ask that you consider supporting us either by sending us a donation or by supporting us regularly through our Patreon. Thank you very much. Don't forget to like and subscribe below to see lots more videos about people's stories.

_________________________________

Support The Trans Canada Project

https://www.transcanadaproject.ca

https://www.patreon.com/transcanadaproject