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Hi, my name is Jue Meili.
I think it's just that I want to be my true self. Because this was hidden in me since my early childhood and had been repressed, suppressed, and so much pressure about hiding that I want everybody to see that I am a true female inside and out.
I am semi-retired. I still do a little bit of work for my real estate clients, but I try to enjoy more life with my grandsons and video chat with them everyday. Before COVID, I used to enjoy a lot of badminton and ballroom dancing. I used to play badminton five times a week, ballroom dancing twice a week.
I enjoy dressing up as a beautiful old woman in the evening at home. I put on only lipstick and no other makeup. At five feet, eight and 138 pounds, I can wear size six to size eight women clothing and size nine to ten women's shoes.
Some background for myself.
I was born and raised in Hong Kong. I came from an exceedingly poor family. When I was in grade two, I did not have any food for two days and I fainted at the school gates. The kind nuns took me into the kitchen and gave me milk and cookies. Ever since that time. I've learned to appreciate and not waste any food at all.
About my transitioning journey. I have always known about my yearnings to become a beautiful female, ever since my early childhood days. For example, when no one was home, I would wear my aunt’s strapped sandals and my mom's intimates, nylons and heels.
I even wore her bra under my clothes to go to church on Sunday to pray to become a woman. Because of the ultra conservative society of the 50's, 60s and 70s and peer pressures from family friends and work, I was hidden in the closet for over six decades. I got married in 1971, immigrated to Canada in 74 with my ex-wife and two children and added one more born in Canada.
During my marriage. I secretly accumulated high heel pumps and wore my ex-wives torn stockings under my pajamas, together with high heels under the blanket for sleeping at night. After 20 years or so of marriage my ex-wife and I separated in the early nineties and eventually got divorced. I got together with my girlfriend after my separation from my ex-wife. We were so happy together. I admired her sexy body and wished I could be more like her. She often wore sexy clothes and heels to please me. I love to wear my high heels to sleep and also sometimes when we make love. I brought along her open heel sandals whenever we traveled and wore them to sleep at night.
About my coming out
My girlfriend and I loved dancing and had been going to ballroom dancing for over 20 years. At the Halloween masquerade balls in 2018, and 2019. I dressed up as a beautiful old woman with the help of my daughter who used to work in a beauty salon. She helped me with professional makeup and hairstyle. I was one of the most beautiful women there and won third prize in the 2019 masquerade competition. This gave me the courage to start going out in public as a female. It was an encouragement for me to embark on my transitioning.
Then I had eye-bags removal surgery in 2019. Started using eye and face moisturizing creams, early morning and at night. I went for laser and electrolysis treatments to remove body and facial lip hair. Then I started growing my hair long as well.
During COVID lock down last year in 2020, I said to myself it was now or never. I was already 72 years old and asked myself how many more years do I have left? 10 to 15, more if I'm lucky. I decided to come out. I gathered all my courage, sat down and wrote for hours on end, and after several edits I sent an email to my girlfriend, my children, their families, my sister and her families to tell them I wanted to become a woman.
It was as if a ton of pressure had been lifted off my shoulder when I came out. Before there was so much pressure and hiding. I was completely relieved. And I could go forward from that moment on.
Then after several blood, cardio, blood pressure and ultrasound tests, I started on hormone replacement therapy, Testosterone blocker in January and estrogen patch in March 2021. I was in heaven.
I finally came out of hiding in my closet, which has since become my huge wardrobe of women clothing. I could now live life 24/7 as a beautiful old woman.
I applied for a name change to Jue Meili, meaning “pearl beautiful”. It takes decades for a natural pearl to grow in the shell before it is harvested for the whole world to admire its beauty. This is how I see myself; cooped up in a shelf for six decades before blossoming and finally coming out. After receiving my Ontario name certificate, I started notifying everybody about my becoming a transgender woman and about my new name. I received mostly positive replies and encouragement.
The challenges I faced.
Sadly my girlfriend of 27 years left me after I came out because she comes from the conservative Chinese culture and could not see herself in the lesbian relationship. I lost my dance partner of over 20 years. We had practiced to perfection so many dance steps that it would be impossible and time consuming for me to practice these same steps with new women dance partners.
Then I had difficulty finding a doctor who treated transgender people. They were all booked full and not accepting any new patients. I did not realize that Toronto had such a large population of transgender people. Eventually after much searching and several weeks of interview, I found a doctor at Sherborn Health Center. Also, I could not find support groups in Toronto. Later I found two in the York Region, then it became easier and now I have joined six support groups. Two in York Region, two in Toronto, and two from the States. We have weekly meetings about two to five times a week. I enjoy these meetings and kind of treat them as personal therapy for myself.
Talking about the joys and highs of being a transgender woman.
After coming out in the summer of 2020. I have lived my life 24/7 as a woman. I love being a woman. When I go for my afternoon power jog and walk, dressed in my female athletic wear, I receive compliments all the time from people passing by. I love dressing up as a beautiful old woman and have even started doing this before my coming out. Ever since the Halloween masquerade balls which must have been towards the end of 2019.
I make 10 goals on the first day of each lunar month and I read them out loud to myself every morning. So I kind of made up a schedule for myself already, a daily activity schedule. One of the facilitators of the meeting asked us, “what do you do to feel good?” And I say “when I wake up in the morning, I would massage my scalp while sitting on the toilet, then I would brush the kinks out of my hair and tie them up in a ponytail in preparation for my early morning stretching and power exercises.” I have been doing the same stretching exercises since my junior school days, the same set of exercises plus I added other power exercises as well.
So I look forward to my early morning exercises, and since January of 2021. I started on power walks, then I blended jogs into my power walks and every afternoon I go for my three kilometer jog and power walks, and I have lost most of the weight I gained during COVID from March of 2020 to December. I think I must have gained over 8 pounds at the time. I've lost most of it by now, and I hope to be my normal weight by the end of summer. I do pretty well in my jog and power walk. I time myself and I have reduced the time. In January it took me about 28 to 29 minutes and now my fastest record is 23 minutes for 3 kilometers, which is awesome.
Then I also enjoy video whatsapp calls from my three year old and five year old grandsons every day. I look forward to that, so these are the things that keep me active for most of the day, which I really enjoy.
I don't have that many more years to live, 10 to 20 years maybe, but I really enjoy my life as a whole anyway, every single day. When I wake up in the morning, I wake up with thankfulness and glad to be still above ground. I just look forward to enjoying life with my grandchildren and after COVID, hopefully I can hug my family and my grandson's again.
My old classmates from Hong Kong; we planned for our reunion last year, but because of COVID, it never happened, so hopefully this will happen maybe by end of this year or sometime next year then we have a reunion from our class of 1965, our high school class.
I love to dress up as a woman so when the things are opened again and the party places reopen again, I will enjoy going to dinner and dancing, with not just new future dance partners, but with my dance students as well. I have been teaching ballroom dancing for the last two years at the Thornhill Community Center and they pay me 68% of dance proceeds and I use this to buy a money order to give to a charity to pay this forward and make this a better world for everyone. So dancing is a big part of my life.
When I have my final bottom surgery, I want to see if I can apply to become a senior model. Because I think that will be a part of me that I will enjoy tremendously. I am not interested in men. I hope to find women or transgender women as dance partners not necessarily for a relationship, but to practice dance steps with and to go with me to ballroom dancing. Dancing works wonders for seniors. I will continue dancing until the day I die.
After getting my legal IDs changed to female. I will be able to play as a woman in senior badminton competitions. I want to continue playing badminton until my mid 80s or early 90s.
I have learned to love myself and therefore I am confident I will eventually find a new life partner.
Thinking about any advice I would give to my younger self before my transitioning; Looking back at the ultra conservative society in the last 60 years. I felt it was not the right time to come out earlier. With so much peer pressure from family, friends, and career, it was also not socially or financially feasible at that time.
However, I still have good memories of my past life. Which will always be a part of me. And my evolving. I have learned a lot from that period which can now help me carry through my continuous transitioning.
I love being a woman.
Okay, thank you.
