Meet Jennifer (L) (She/Her)

What follows is a transcript from Jennifer's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/rxHC2cAZwn4

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Hi, my name is Jennifer Anastasia Levine. My pronouns are her and she. I am an IT Technician by trade. I received my credentials in 2005 I think it was, without looking on them. I just got them changed over last year to my new name and so far it's been pretty good. 

Photo by: FOTOGRAFIA INC

When I was 10 I told the doctor I wanted to wear girls clothes and they put me in a youth facility in Kitchener/Waterloo called Lutherwood, and there some bad stuff happened. But however, that's behind me. The worst part of it was over by the time I was 14, with Lutherwood, Mom found out what was going on at Lutherwood and pulled me out of there as fast as she put me in. I moved forward. At 15 I met some people at a center in Guelph called “change now” and one of the girls knew somebody in Toronto at the 519 and they introduced me to her, and she got me a meeting at the Clark Institution (I believe that's what it was back then in the 90s) The Clark Institution gave me a pamphlet on all the stuff I had to do to transition in the beginning, so I took that, read over it. Well I was only 15 at the time, so ultimately this was no good for me because I had to wait till I was 18.

Before I came out it was a single parent family, three girls, one boy, and I don't know where that boy is now. He's somewhere but I don't know where he is. And he was off doing everything by himself. And I’m self-taught, so everything I've learned, I taught myself, including my makeup.

It wasn't all at once. There are people that knew in the beginning and people that didn't know. A little bit of experimenting here and there and everywhere; that's just the way it came in. It just, it flowed. Kind of flowed that way. 

Party in Toronto made my life so much better. It helped me come to terms with some of the stuff that I was dealing with. It made me feel more comfortable being in that situation, because I had the support from people acknowledging that it was cool. I wasn't doing something stupid. I was considered cool to wear makeup. Like, for me to get up on stage as a DJ and put a dress on, man I’m rocking it, I’m cool, I’m the DJ that they want to hear, because I’m playing the tracks that they want to hear. So, I can. It doesn't matter how I look on stage. 

I still get on stage and I get cheered for, no matter how I look. So that whole community was a big support to me, and I've been DJing since I was 12. I got into it to get away from drinking, the law, and doing stupid stuff and it was an outlet for me. And it still is an outlet for me. I worked for four of the main… four of the biggest clubs in Toronto, downtown Toronto. I was made. I didn't have any problems with anybody. People knew me from the club. They knew I was DJ smiles. (Now I’m DJ Linus and DJ DSG) I had a good job. I had a good life. 

When I was 38, I went to Dr Tom and I came out to him. The day I went to Dr Tom's office, I was sitting outside having a cigarette, I was just shaking and I said okay, you remember that thing I said I had to talk to you about Dr Tom? He's like, it's time? I said yeah, it's time. I said, you see my skinny jeans, right? He's like, yeah. Doesn't say nothing about it because guys wear skinny jeans. Well, I said my jeans are women's. The only thing I’m wearing right now is my coat, my hat, and my t-shirt. Those are the only things that are men's. My shoes, my underwear, everything is women's. I said, normally I wear a bra, except for when I go out and stuff, and I, and he was like yeah. Like I said, he said that explains a lot. 

And when I talked to Dr Tom, when I came out to him. I’m like please don't look at me like I’m crazy because I know I’m not and I know this is a thing. And I know. He's like, that's good, okay? Well and then he started talking to me about Dr Maras..., I believe it's Marasala, and she works at the Quest clinic in St Catharines, and he wanted to get us connected with Quest. Well, after three months of Quest not calling us back, I took it upon myself to go on the internet and I went to the Sherburne clinic in Toronto. I got the pamphlet on how to prescribe hormones and blockers to transgender patients. I read over it, before taking it to Dr Tom and I gave it to Dr Tom. Dr Tom goes, okay let me read over it. And in a few days, I had my prescription for hormones. 

And in 2000 I moved to Niagara which made it better on me. I didn't have to hide myself where I had to hide myself in Guelph because it was homophobic as you would say, and it wasn't. Getting out of Guelph and being in Niagara has been a pretty good thing for me, and I don't think I would be where I’m at without Dr Tom. He deserves a high five. So, I think he jumped into this with no knowledge.

I wasn't waiting. I had name change papers signed, put in the mail, on its way, six to eight weeks my name was coming back to me. Dr Tom signed off on it. I went from Jeffrey Thomas Michael Burke to Jennifer Anastasia Levine. I took on my father's last name because my last name Burke was not my last name. It was my older sister's last name, who my mom was married to her father and not mine. So, I took my father's last name and I said to myself anytime I got a chance my name I would take my dad's last name. And I did that. 

Yeah, my coming-out story… My Mom is a superhero. She called me from the hospital, she's like yeah, they just asked me who my next of kin was and they said Jeffrey Burke, and she's like, no, my daughter Jennifer Levenne. And she just calls me up, she's like yeah, I just called you my daughter, and yeah, best part ever. My mom knew because I had all the clothes, and she was always telling me to throw them out. Except with mom, mom's like my bestie. She's been there my entire life. She still lives with me and we get along real well best roommate in the world. So mom, superhero mom, high five.

My mom is my supporter, she's my bestie. Can't talk to her about some stuff. When I mention surgery, she kind of tilts away from it, but now that I’m getting to my surgery letters, she's now gonna face it, that I’m gonna be laying in bed and she's gonna have to help me and what not. And she can't do a lot because she's got a bad back and stuff. So I’m trying to find ways around surgery to not be in bed as much as I’m supposed to and be able to get out of bed. 

So, yeah, I used to go till three, four or five o'clock in the morning. As soon as I heard those birds chirping, I knew I had to get home, because Mom knew I wasn't home. She'd kill me. And I’m afraid of my mom! She scares me. And to this day, my Mom scares me. 

Well the girls were great, because boys weren't allowed in the bedroom but the parents knew that I was raised with all sisters, so they knew I wouldn't do anything because my mom would kill me. I would go over to their house, have sleepover movie night, whatever on the weekend, Mom would get rid of me for a night, right, so she was happy for that, and it was just like, let's put makeup on him. So okay, whatever. Right? After a while, it just became a thing with me, and I could walk down the hall and go in their bedroom, but their boyfriend was at the house and he couldn't even go down the hallway. He was pissed.

I had a girlfriend that… I bought my kilt for St James, my knee-highs and my blouse. But I had it at a girlfriend's house and I would go to their house and change in the morning and wear my kilt to school. 

Over the couple of years being in Niagara, I didn't have anybody to talk to. Mom was in Winnipeg the past two months. I met Steven. Thank you Steven, high five. For shits and giggles I put an ad on a photography site for Toronto, explaining I’m a transgender model looking for a photographer to help me build my portfolio. Because I modeled from the time I was 12 to the time I was 14, or 10 till 14, and Mom always had me busy with my sisters figure skating, modeling, yeah, I did everything the girls did, pretty much, except for hockey. And Steven, I met Steven. We did the first photo shoot paid me $60 for three hours of my time, which was to me, I really didn't care about money. I just cared about photos, and I met Steven, and Steven took the first photo shoot, and we did the first photo shoot, I think, three months ago. 

Ultimately Steven went home, and he was looking over the new photos, and he sent me a link. This link with my photo on a website. And when I started going over the website and seeing what it was all about, and I was reading about it, and I was seeing that they're transitioning later on in life, I started reading over more to see what kind of information that they gave and they give pretty much accurate information, how to start and do your transition, and how to go about things. There are some things that were there that I had access to, like PFlag - high five to PFlag. 

I've talked to some other female models in Toronto, that I’m supposed to meet in the summertime for my birthday, hopefully, if COVOD is gone. And because of Steven, my life is moving in a different direction. And it all extends from me putting that out on Facebook in a modeling group. So ultimately Steven has given me a new reasoning of get out of bed. High five Steven! 

Ultimately, it's because of Steven, I've been given that reason to get out of bed now, and I've been given more energy, and I've been getting the adrenaline that I had when I was in clubs and feeling good, the way I felt like I was back on stage 

My biggest dream for the future is marriage, a happy life, to get my son back, who was taken from me when I came out. Yeah my son is a big part of my life seeing him again would be probably the best. That's the biggest thing I've been fighting over, with my anxiety and my depression, is my son, because just the smallest thing set me off. I would tell my son that, you know what? Dad is still here I’m still Jeffrey Thomas Michael Burke to you. And the day I told my son I changed my name, I explained to him that I wasn't happy and when I told him he was like dad as long as you're happy. That's all that matters, and this flows back into where I said if you want to talk to my mom because my mom will say, she asked my son the same thing and he says as long as dad's happy. 

I had an issue at Tim Hortons one time. Out of respect for the two older ladies that were there I went into the men's bathroom and said women's because I knew the old ladies would go and complain. So I went in the men's bathroom and three kids came in, threw stuff over and caused a problem, and said I was making noises. Yeah, I was making noises. I was taking a poop! 

Ultimately I've had issues with the bathroom but I’m not gonna let that hamper me! Please let me use the bathroom. All I wanna do is go pee. 

Man I even got stopped in Guelph by a cop that busted me when I was a teenager and he ran - he thought I was smoking a joint in my car. I was sitting downtown Guelph having a cigarette. I just drove to Guelph in the middle night for coffee. That was it. I sat downtown Guelph having a cigarette in my car before I go back to St Catherines and, cop pulls in, thought I was smoking a joint, comes up to my car and he's like, ma'am, err, can you please sit up? And I said... I sit up. He goes, Mr Burt? I says no it's Miss Levenne. He thought my id was fake because I hadn't received my birth certificate back yet. My driver's license was changed to my new name but it didn't have my gender change so he thought my id was fake. 

How can people help? People can help by not calling me sir. They can stop calling me he. They can stop referring to me as male pronouns and treat me as an equal, letting me use the women's bathroom. I am not going in there to do anything else but do my business. So that's what people can do to help 

I am set on my goals. I've been battling addiction. I have been dealing with issues from my life, childhood, and stuff that's happened to me over the years; bad things, evil things. And I've been... since finding my boyfriend Alex, I have come to accept some of the stuff that's gone in my past and throw it out there. I've been working with my psychiatrist to find things like; I have ADD. There's been so much that I've come to acknowledge and accept. 

From the day that Dr Tom signed my name change forms, I dropped that dress on. I didn't care what people thought or what they looked... I put that dress on and I went out. Hair, no hair, makeup, no makeup, I put my dress on, went out, dropped my forms in the mail, took a picture, posted it. And it's been fine sailing. So I don't see any challenges in my near future. I see battling infections and stuff from surgery as a possibility. But I I’m looking at that as hopefully Dr Tom will get me a PSW worker that can help me get up and out of bed, because alex can't lift me, because he's had back surgery. And my mom can't lift me up. So, I’m gonna need help getting up out of bed when I come home from the hospital. And that's about the only challenge I see that I faced. 

I started my transition and the best thing I could have ever done for myself. 

Peace, love, unity, and respect. Four words I've learned over the years that I live by, which is what everybody deserves, including myself, and I wish people would do that for all of us, every day, when they see us.

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If All The World Were Roses

Do you like roses? I like roses. They are pretty, they come in different colours, and they smell nice. 

Everyone loves receiving roses when they have accomplished something; after a play, a graduation, or on special occasions like Valentine’s Day.

Imagine a world where the only flowers in the garden were roses. Wouldn’t it get boring after a while? If your entire garden were filled with only roses, it might be pretty for a while, but it would get boring quickly.

When we look around creation, however, there are hundreds and thousands of different kinds of flowers. Tall ones, thin ones, wild ones, cultivated ones, ones that bear fruit and ones that smell nice. There are even some that smell bad and some that are poisonous. Together they all form an ecosystem that often times thrives because of the diversity, different parts benefiting from other parts in a million interconnected ways.

It’s spring time here in Ontario, Canada, and the flowers are in bloom. I look out the back yard and there are two apple trees that have the most beautiful blossom on them. There are tulips, magnolias, and a host of other kinds of flowers that I couldn’t even name; my partner does all the gardening and I just enjoy the view. I’m glad my yard doesn’t just have roses in it, pretty as they are. I enjoy the diversity.

Isn’t it the same with us? Isn’t it boring when we look out and everyone is the same? Doesn’t diversity bring joy, entertainment, new thoughts, innovation, unexpected perspectives, greater learning, a lighter workload, and so much more? It takes all kinds of people to make this world beautiful, and if we were all the same, it would get boring pretty quickly, just as it takes a wide variety of flowers in a garden.

So next time you look at someone who is different from you, whether it be because of race, or colour, or beliefs, or gender, or sexual preference, or intelligence, or physical strength, show them some love. Tell them how much you appreciate them for who they are, and the diversity they bring. Share your own diversity with them - the things that make you different - share your perspectives on things and listen to theirs with open ears and open mind. Learn from each other. Your world and the world around you will be richer for it.

Meet Stefanie (she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Stefanie's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/R6j6S2Z57qY

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So, my name is Stefanie Pest. My pronouns are she/her and I live in Essex, Ontario, Canada. I have been working in the automotive industry for 37 years.

I was born an assigned male at birth. Nobody asked me anything as a baby and the only thing that doctors, you know, assign sex with, is your private parts. Nobody asked me if I was transgender, which I found out later in life, much later in life, that I am a transgender woman.

My identity became known to me when I was 46 years old, which was 12 years ago. However, when I was seven, I realized that I just didn't fit into a boy role in society. That was a struggle for me for me for my entire life until I discovered that I was trans.

I would seek out women's clothes just to express myself in a female way, which was very helpful in my understanding of who I am.

I was born in the 60s, so society at that time frowned upon, you know, something other than what you see.

Through puberty it became more intense, that I wasn't really a male. And it was difficult to, you know, function. And that was never revealed to anybody. I went through all the male rituals, pretty much pretending, but that was expected of me, a young teenage boy, then later a man. It was expected of me to marry a woman, have children and so forth.

And through all that time it was a struggle. It's like something I thought I would have to live with forever, which was very despairing. But then internet came, and you find out things; that you're not alone, that other people are struggling too. So, my gender identity as a trans woman became evident to me. My bell was rung, and you can't un-ring a bell.

So, I am married, and I told my wife that moment I found out. She looked at me and said, "my dear, I knew that." She knew before I did, and she became very, very supportive of me. It was very difficult for both of us to go through that process but it's very, very critical that you have this communication between partners that you're sharing your life with. That was the key to our success and in our marriage, we are still married, and we love each other so much.

So, coming out as a trans woman was not immediate. This was back in 2008 when I realized that I was a trans woman and, what to do? What is the next step? Next step was, I need to transform my body. So, you search for ways to do that.

I chose to do things on my own because I was not sure society would accept who I am authentically. And so, I didn't go to a doctor and I decided to self-medicate with phytoestrogen. These are herbal pills that mimic estrogen and they were helpful because before that I was, you know, because of my depression I would have antidepressant drugs and they never ever work. But when I started taking phytoestrogens it seemed to make, you know, a change that... a change occurred. A good change. I felt more content with myself.

But it was not enough. I always wanted more. And so, it came to a point where I did have to go to a doctor, and they prescribed pharmaceutical estrogen. I went to see an endocrinologist who I'd been saying before because I suffered from prolactinoma which is a tumor in your pituitary that produces prolactin which is a female hormone that women produce when they're pregnant. So, it was an indicator that maybe yes this is for sure valid; my identity is as a woman.

When I started those estrogen, that hormone therapy, I noticed a magnificent change. I became more content with myself and my life changed dramatically. But I was still not out to the world I was only out to my wife Michelle and I have two boys that were in school and we were in an empty nest situation. And so, it was easy for me to be Stefanie at home, but in the world in a society I was still my former male self.

It came to a point where I did feel confident enough to come out. I came out to my children. My oldest was married so there were three and we got them together. And we this was on a Victoria Day in 2016 that I came out to them and they were very supportive. But when they discovered that I had known I was trans back in 2008 they became sad because I had to hide this from them.

In hindsight I probably didn't have to. I knew that I had the love of my children and that they would be supportive. And then I decided, oh I must do more, always more, and I started electrolysis and laser treatments to remove my facial hair, my body hair, to be more feminine

Yeah so, the beginning of my coming out actually had a signal that I was ready to come out.

There was a survey produced at our plant that wanted to find out about the makeup of our worker workforce, you know, male, female, religion, and all that stuff. And so, when it came down to the form saying, you know, your gender, I kind of was wondering what to put there. I wasn't completely out so I decided to go see our women's advocate, which was unusual for a male to go see somebody like that. But they were very, very supportive and um I didn't know if I was the first one that came up with this but they told me that it was perfectly fine to put whatever I feel comfortable putting on that form. So, I made a new line and I put trans woman and that felt so so freeing, to do that, exposing myself to a survey which is a private matter. But for me to do that was a big step and that was actually only a month before I told my kids and I think that might have been the trigger that I was ready to come out and face the world as Stefanie. a trans woman, so then I decided to actually come out on my birthday July 7th.

I went to the commissioner. Here in Ontario, it's required to give an oath to say that you are changing your name, changing your gender, and I did that on my birthday in 2016. I came out to my co-workers at Chrysler a few weeks after that. We had a shutdown and I told him the day before that when we come back from our vacation that I will have transformed from a male to a female. And I had much, much support from my coworkers and I was gladdened by that. That was another stigma that we have in the trans community that we're not accepted, and I was very, very fortunate that the people around me supported me in that way.

So, the other thing while I was at the women's advocate and discussing my gender identity with them, they told me that I was not the first. There was a trans man that had come out maybe a year before I did. And they suggested that I contact this person because they were running a peer-to-peer support group for trans people in Windsor called trans spectrum. And I was shocked, you know, I was overjoyed that there was somebody else that was going through the same thing I am.

And so, I decided to reach out to this person and attend these meetings that they had. I think it was once a month that we would go to and other trans people would come and we would, you know, relate our experiences, you know, being trans in our community. And that was the start of a wonderful friendship.

It also was the beginning of my advocacy because listening to other trans people, and this was my first exposure to other trans people, I had no exposure previous to that at all, and I was amazed at how privileged I am, that I didn't go through some of the discrimination and prejudice that most trans people experienced. My decision at that point was I have a voice that may help my own community; my new community that I’m a part of, that I could speak and have that courage to do that for others that do not have that ability with the privilege, the white privilege that I have, the privilege of a really good job, a loving supportive family, this is not a common occurrence in our trans community. And that needs to change.

In our trans community we have people that are not able to speak for themselves because of the stigma that we face in society right now. We are dependent on the majority of the population, which is the cis population,

those are people that are assigned a sex at birth and are content with that, as opposed to trans people and gender diverse people that are not. We need the cis population to educate themselves. We need them to advocate and become allies for the trans community at levels that most people don't wish to do, to protect the, you know, the most vulnerable in our society. I’m not just talking about trans people, but people living with disabilities. There's so many people that require these barriers to be taken down so that our society can flourish.

I am so happy to be a part of the family that I am in. My wife Michelle has been by my side since the very beginning of my trans journey and I want to thank her for being such a loving partner to me and my children, Michael, Courtney, Patrick. That they have been so supportive of me and they still call me dad, because that's who I am. And I can't express it enough how much love I have for them that they are part of my journey.

I would like to say that through my coming out only five years ago that the people that I have met I have created an extended chosen family that has shown me love and respect of who I am. And I would like to thank them from the bottom of my heart, and I know that those people have gone forward and been allies to our trans community. I would wish that would grow exponentially and that would change the way we see the trans community now in society. That we should be accepted as the people we are.

We are human just like everyone else.

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Meet Jennifer (she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Jennifer's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/1hGAUlQDkQA

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Hi, my name is Jennifer.

I am 54 years old, from St Catharines, Ontario, and I am a proud transgender woman. This is my fiancée Evelyn, and we are engaged to be married next may. 

I identify as bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women. 

After coming out I joined a women's group that was incredibly accepting here in Niagara. About a year after joining the women's group, I was asked by the founder of the group if I would become a moderator, which is someone who helps with the group itself, hosts events, sometimes fills in for the founder of the group when she couldn't be at the meetings. At one point the founder of the group became pregnant and she asked me would I run the group while she was off on maternity leave and dealing with her child. This gave me the unique opportunity to host these groups for a period of time, and during that time, one of the meetings, Evelyn came in. 

Because I was made to feel welcome, I felt it was my responsibility to pass that on and make everyone else feel as welcome when they first come into the group. So I always made it a habit of spending some time speaking to that person that just came in for the first time because I know it's terrifying. So I made it a point to speak to her and make her feel comfortable as possible and I kind of had this feeling inside that hey we kind of connect on a certain level. And she kept coming for about another three or four weeks and I actually came home from a meeting one night and I spoke to my mom and I said, I think I met a woman that I’m very interested in I think I might actually ask her out.

The funny thing is a few weeks before that I had basically given up on dating. I actually announced to the group that I'm done I’m not going to ask anyone else out ever again, I’m not going to put my heart out there ever again because I had it crushed. But I came home and I told my mom I think I might ask her out for a coffee. And literally that Sunday - we meet on Tuesday nights, I was gonna ask her that Tuesday night - on Sunday Evelyn called me and said would you like to go out for a coffee? And so she beat me to the punch. It was funny. We went out for coffee and it was like two school girls, but we were laughing and giggling so much at each other we were both so nervous and that's basically all that happened right and so we talked a little bit and we kind of hit it off. And then we started going out afterwards on a couple of dates, and then finally we went to Niagara Falls for dinner one night and walked down to the falls, and that was the first time we kissed and it's been wonderful ever since that day. And last September the love of my life asked me to marry her and so this has been an incredibly (I know it's been difficult because of COVID but) last year was a wonderful year because my wife, my future wife asked me to marry her. So I’m very happy about that. 

I realized that there was something different about me at a very young age, I would say probably maybe eight or nine years old I realized that I was different from all the other boys as it were. I didn't quite fit in. I was always more interested in what girls were doing and what they had to do. I think the first time I realized something was different was going to school one day at the very first day of school and realizing that, hey all these girls look so pretty and wearing pretty clothes and it's like I’m just wearing jeans and a shirt, and I’m going I wish I could wear what they were wearing. And I think that's one of the first inklings I had that something was a little different with me. 

I grew up in a Catholic family and was going to Catholic school and Catholic high school and always realized there was something a little bit different about me but couldn't quite identify what it was and back in those days you never heard the word transgender in school especially a Catholic school the word just simply never came up. And it was very difficult for me growing up because I didn't have anyone to go to - to turn to - and to find out why do I feel so different inside. And that caused a lot of pain, a lot of suffering and I realized that I was very attracted to the female sides of things that I didn't really fit in with the boys that much. 

As I got older I kind of did a little bit more research and found out that there were people that didn't identify with the sex that they were born with that their gender was different and kind of understood a little bit more about what I was. And it did make it tough. We went to church every single week and there always seemed to be every so often this sermon in regards to how the gays and people who identify as transgender are abominations in the eyes of God and this made me very confused because I thought well how can I be an abomination of God? God creates everybody in a certain way and here I am being told that because of how I feel inside that I’m not rocking by God. And this led to suicidal thoughts as a teenager, in fact on two separate occasions I grabbed a bunch of pills and a bottle of alcohol and was gonna end my life on at least two or three different occasions. I got perilously close to doing so but I’m very glad that I did not, because life got better eventually. 

I suppressed these feelings as much as I could but every so often I would engage these feelings. I would go out and buy clothing and try it on and it just felt so wonderful to do so. And wasn't anything sexual but it just felt like this is what I believe I should be I’m definitely feel like I’m a girl. And I had to suppress these feelings because of the school I was going to, the people that I live with, my parents, I didn't feel comfortable coming out to them, then life kind of got in the way. And I met a woman, got married to her, had a child, did the whole life thing, tried to present as male as best as I could, I even joined a service group that was all men and tried to be - tried to give back to the community and the funny thing about it was is that I did this and I worked with a lot of young folks and I used to teach kids how to umpire baseball games believe it or not. And it was always the female empires that I seem to take the most care for, and I realized as I like I felt this way inside.

And eventually it got to the point that when I was approximately 50 years old, I had a life crisis a life-threatening crisis I had been diagnosed about 10 years earlier with type 2 diabetes and everything was going well I was in good health and then all of a sudden everything went to heck in a hand basket. And my health started deteriorating. I couldn't keep my sugars under control. My stomach was always hurting. I had all kinds of pain in my abdomen, and my doctor couldn't figure out what was going on. And after about three to six months of suffering with his pain and with the high blood sugars, he sent me to a specialist who diagnosed me with a rare type of diabetes which probably nobody's heard of. It's called diabetes 1.5 or also known as LADA which is Latent Autoimmune onset of Diabetes in Adults. And it's an autoimmune disease that mimics diabetes too but it's actually slightly different and it almost killed me. It was threatening to kill me at least. 

My pancreas was being attacked by the insulin that I was taking and um I was at a point where if it had continued much longer, I could have gotten to the point where my pancreas couldn't have recovered. And that kind of shook me and I realized at that point that all these feelings that I had inside that I’ve been suppressing, it's over I had to be happy I needed to start living my life the way I wanted to. All my life I felt that I kept this hidden and down and anyone who would talk to me would say that there was always this thing underneath the surface that I was hiding from people, and that I didn't seem happy. That I didn't seem... I had anger issues, I didn't seem happy, I didn't seem like... I didn't like myself, I don't know how other people could have liked me at that point. 

So finally I decided that it was time to come out to the world in the fall of 2017 I started coming out to my family and on February 17, 2018, a day I picked intentionally because it's my birthday, I had what I called my rebirth day, and I identified myself to the world as Jennifer for the first time ever and started living as female from that date forward. And it was the happiest day of my life. My family totally accepted me when I came out which has made my life very comfortable and to celebrate I went out and got my hair done that day had my makeup done and my family took me out to the mandarin for lunch that day. It was a very, very special day. 

I came out to my bosses at work about two weeks earlier telling them that I would be coming out as female after February 17th. And my bosses were very accepting and so much so that my boss sent me flowers the first day that I came to work as Jennifer, so they have been behind me 100% right from the start, which has made things very easy for me. 

When I decided to come out, I know a lot of women will wait until they can somewhat pass as female before they came out, but I decided I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait till I passed, so I came out right away and I know I didn't come anywhere close to passing as female and of course it made it difficult walking down the street and going to supermarkets and whatnot and getting the stares, getting the dirty looks, getting the comments. But I was taught by my mother to always walk with your head held high and a smile on your face so um I’ve always had that in my heart, is that despite all the odd looks just keep walking. You know you're a woman, you know it inside, just keep walking and own it. Be yourself. Always be yourself. And I don't care that I didn't pass I was proud to be transgender and yeah eventually the hormones kicked in and the hair started growing in and I started liking the woman that I seen in the mirror a lot more and I started giving her a lot more smiles as the days went on.

[Evelyn] She's had she's had her rough days. She's had her good days, she's had her bad. I do my best to keep her focused. And I try to keep her, like, I just try to calm her, and like, I always tell her that you're a wonderful person or you you're, you know, you're special. You know, I just try to help her through what she has, the rough time, rough days. 

[Jennifer] Part of that roughness was suffering constant delays in my gender confirmation surgery. I was eligible for surgery almost a year and a half ago and unfortunately my endocrinologist was at the point of retiring and as such I had asked him to send the letter to the government in order to fund my confirmation surgery. And on three separate occasions over a period of seven months he had failed to do so. And so I was getting depressed because it felt like I was never going to get this surgery. And Evelyn helped me through these depressive moments and it was really, really bad. And it was tough because it's like, it felt like it was taking forever to get it. And finally my psychiatrist got involved and basically pushed him in order to get the letter written and my psychiatrist also wrote to Montreal in order to kind of ask them hey listen this woman's been waiting for seven months for this doctor to send the paperwork in is there any way that you can rush her surgery through because she shouldn't be penalized because this doctor didn't do his job. And so they did. But guess what, COVID hit, and so it delayed everything again, and so a surgery that I should have had over a year and a half ago only got done last month. So it was a rough time there was very dumb times and Evelyn to help me through it.

[Evelyn] Yeah because a lot of the words I says, it'll come there's always an obstacle. Obstacles always stop something. Like, but it will go through. It's just going to take time and then, like, the same thing I said because COVID showed up it's just delaying, delaying, delaying, delaying, but I just kept telling her it'll come, it'll come, it'll come.

[Jennifer] And yeah. And it did and she was right. 

My life is wonderful. My work is going very well we're very busy at work and I’ve never had any issues with any of our customers. Most of my customers... I work in customer service so I speak directly to all of the customers for our company throughout all of the United States, Canada, Europe. And they've all been very accepting all of them know basically that I’ve come out. 

I had one of our customers one time send me an email and she referred to me as man in the email and I said, I was having a very bad day that day, and I basically replied back or said, thank you for the email and especially thank you for the ma'am I really needed that today. And she goes, well of course you need that! I have a transgender brother and I know what kind of crap they go through, and she goes, I am behind you 100%, and if anybody has any issues, send them my way! I’ll give them a throat punch for you. So that was wonderful. 

So all of our customers, all my customers that I deal with I’ve been very accepting. Life has been wonderful and it seems to be getting better all the time. I have family members that have been very supportive. I have a biological son from my first marriage, and I have a chosen son, who is transgender and he's a very big part of my life and um he is going to be part of our wedding party, so I have a lot of interesting people in my life that make it worth living and make me very happy to be in the community that I’m in. 

Probably the biggest dream, and everybody knows that talks to me, is to eventually build a gay commune on a big farm somewhere and have all of my friends come and live with us. But probably the most important dream to me is to grow older with this woman. We don't never say grow old because we don't want to grow old, we just want to get older. And just try to meet as many wonderful interesting people as I can. Hopefully to share my experience as a trans woman with other people to hopefully give them hope for the future. And to try and live as authentically as I can myself. And be out there. Hopefully as an example as to how wonderful being trans can be. 

I would probably want to remind myself in the future that, you are worthy of love. That you deserve the love that you're receiving. That you are a likeable person. That you are a lovable person. And that the love that you're receiving is because of the person that you are. And that you deserve to be happy, finally, in your life. You deserve this happiness. 

My future, I would say, is very bright. I’m waiting to become a grandmother. I’m trying to convince my two sons to get busy and to try and fulfill that. But other than that I’m... basically I’m at a place where I’m incredibly happy and I’m hoping that stays the same for the rest of my life. I’ve just recently had gender confirmation surgery. In fact just a month ago yesterday I had gender confirmation surgery. I am at a place where I am now comfortable with my body. I am very happy. I basically just want to grow old with this woman and I want to hopefully spread the love that I’ve been given by all these other people as far as I can spread it. So that is what I’m hoping for the future.

Always come from a place of love in your heart. Always think about the person first that you're speaking to because the words that you can say can really hurt people. And we need to make sure that when you talk to somebody, it's always from a place of love and not from a place of hurt. Just because you have certain beliefs doesn't mean that those beliefs have to be pushed on to other people. 

Trans people exist. We deserve to exist. We're not going to be erased and just because you have certain beliefs doesn't mean that your beliefs have to affect my life in any way shape or form. I’m just trying to exist, trying to be happy. I’m not going to push my values on you. I don't need your values to be pushed on to me. I have a right to exist. 

The best way that people could help me is just to be supportive of the trans community. I’ve had a lot of love and support but I know there's a lot of trans women and trans men out there and non-binary people that don't have the love and support of their family or their friends. In fact my trans son doesn't have the support of his mother and so these people need help. These people need support and so if you see somebody suffering try to be there for them. Try to be that person that they can go to and share their feelings with. And open up to them. Try to be there to support others because even if you have it good and easy not everybody's in that same boat. So try to be a supportive of your community as much as possible.

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Aren't we all a little queer?

Not so long ago, I despised the word queer. As an adjective, it means "Strange, Odd". Instead, I focused on fitting in, on being normal, as far from strange as possible.  

This is part of why I hid my gender identity for so long. More than that, it's what prevented me from accepting my gender identity.

It has taken a lot of years for me to come to terms with my own queerness. I came to realize that "normal" was a term that means "in the middle"; "the usual, average, or typical state or condition"

When you think about it, what normal person ever accomplished anything? I mean, was Van Gough normal? Was Tesla normal? Is Elon Musk? Can you think of one person who has accomplished great things, who is also "normal" in every way? By embracing the thing that made them different, they contributed something amazing. And we all benefit from those differences. That thing was the thing that made them who they are, and sets them apart from everyone else. So why is it so desirable to be normal?

Perhaps, the desire to be normal is a reaction to bullies who think they are better than us, who want us to fall in line behind them so they can feel more important. It is definitely "safer" to hide who we are, to not be ridiculed by those who choose to deny the diversity of the world. Much like a factory that pollutes the environment around it unaware of the long term problems it is causing. But when we stand up and call out from our differences, we all benefit. Without the environmentalists, those factories would pollute the world, but without the factories, we would not have the products we all enjoy. The symbiosis is complementary. It does not have to be adversarial. But for it to work, both have to see the other as important in their contribution.

None of us is any more or less important than any other. We all have differences. And that diversity contributes to the greater good of everyone.

It is difficult to feel free to move to the edge of the bell curve. It is difficult to sit somewhere at the right hand end of the curve and accept what is at the far left. It is that fear that keeps so many of us from recognizing our own differences, our potential, our greatness... our queerness. The reality is; if we were the normal one, or that person at the other end of the curve were, the whole graph would shift and our world would be out of balance. So isn't it better to accept others? To learn from what they have to offer - even as we recognize that it is not for us? And isn't acceptance that we are not like others also a recognition of each of our individuality? Isn't it simply a recognition of diversity? 

These days I am embracing my own queerness. I mean, I don't expect that will make me something "great" or special in any way, but accepting and embracing myself as I am means I can be authentic, and being authentic means that I can contribute to the world in a unique way. When I do not express myself as I am, I have so much less to offer.

In the end, isn't that better for us all? Isn't a diverse ecosystem much better than one falling apart because it is missing parts? Remember how we discovered the roll that bumble bees had on... everything? Isn't the world better if each of us embraces our own differences and adds to the diversity of the world around us? Not as something separate and distinct, but an important part of the greater whole. What beauty there is in that!

Yes, I'm different, but aren't we all in some way? Every one of us is queer in some way, and we all benefit from everyone embracing who they are! Share it with the world!

Embrace your Queerness!

Love you all!

Cary

Meet Kermmitt (He/Him)

What follows is a transcript from Kermmitt's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/EF1kilW-Bck

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Hello, my name is Kermit Crowley. I am a 19 year old, disabled transman. 

My identity hasn't changed too much over the years. I've always identified as masculine in some way. Early days, I need more towards gender fluid and then I was non-binary masculine for a while and now I'm just straight binary trans man. Discovering it was a process. The world has always felt off to me in some way. It was very tricky to put my finger on what was wrong and what was going on. 

I didn't really understand it. And then puberty hit and things started spiraling and getting a lot worse and harder to deal with and I didn't know why I felt the way I did but I did and it was so strong and then I started discovering characters in the media that were similar to me. Characters who were endogenous, they didn't particularly care what people read them as gender-wise and were often mistaken for, or intentionally dressed as masculine in some way shape or form, or were read as masculine in some way shape or form. And I thought that's what I want to be, that's who I can identify with, this makes sense to me, this is what's most comfortable for me this is what I want out of my life experience. 

And I didn't really understand it, and then I just by chance started stumbling upon labels like transgendered non-binary things like that and it didn't quite click at first. I spent a good amount of time just sitting there like I want to be that so badly. I want it more than anything else but I'm not that and I don't understand what's wrong and what's going on and I just want to be this. And then finally one day, I was just sitting there and it just kind of clicked and place, like if I want it so bad that probably means that I am in it. There's not really any other qualifiers, that's just what it is is basically. And from there everything clicked into place, everything maybe sense, everything just kind of snapped and all of a sudden I just had this understanding of myself that I had never had before and it felt amazing. 

Before I came out was - it was an odd time. I wasn't really present in the world and in my life. I was just kind of floating by doing whatever I was told basically. I just wasn't really there or connected with life, the world around me. Then when puberty hit I started going down a really bad depression spiral. I was so stressed all the time and I didn't understand what was happening to me or why, even though I knew some of the science behind it. I still couldn't wrap my head around why it was happening to me specifically and why it felt so wrong. 

Coming out has been one hell of a journey, I came out very, very soon after I figured it out myself, and it was very sudden for the people around me. Nobody really fully wanted to accept it or understand it at first except for my oldest sibling who has been amazing throughout all of these years and is now out of the closet and this non-binary themselves, but everybody else was very confused and they thought I was confused and I had a lot of people who straight up thought that I was out of my mind insane. They didn't want to listen to me. They didn't want to take me seriously in any way. There were some people I had to come out to at least five times to get any modicum of respect or just anything other than being misgendered by the pronouns that were assigned at birth.

Coming out has given me an understanding of myself but is completely invaluable to me. I struggle a lot with something called alexithymia where you struggle to know what your own emotions are and how to communicate them with other people. 

But coming out has really given me a connection to my own emotions, my own psychology that I never would have had otherwise. I just wasn't present enough to be there to figure it out. And it's given me names for problems that I never would have been able to pinpoint before, like dysphoria, things like that. And if it's given me an understanding of what medical treatment I need in order to actually combat my depression and anxiety issues and live my life the best that I can. 

My life has a lot of ups and downs and I still have a lot of struggles today especially transition wise, trying to get the medical care I need. People don't really talk about it here, but the medical transphobia and ableism here is absolutely insane sometimes. I have had actual psychiatrists who were - their beliefs and ideologies were that I should not exist basically. And, Having dealt with those people they have basically made things completely inaccessible to me in devastating ways. But it's also - I have a community now and I have people who care about me and people who understand I have friends who know what it's like, I have family members who love me. I have so many people now and I'm able to be myself and I'm able to live my life and be present. 

Before I came out. I didn't really know what my life was going to be like but I had a very hard time picturing myself being able to live past a certain age. Whether it was because my life circumstances didn't seem like I would make it there or because I didn't want to make it there. But now I am hopeful. I'm really hopeful for my future. I've always been a little bit of a pessimist in some ways, but I think nowadays I have possibly the brightest outlook on what my future can be I've ever had in my entire life. 

I think my biggest dreams are of course transitioning but other than that I would say I want to go to acting school. I want to learn to be an actor and I want to be able to act on stage and possibly in front of the screen and I want to - I want to live with, I want to move in with the people who mean the most to me. 

I face quite a few issues. I still struggle with depression related to dysphoria and accessing the transition care that I need is very very difficult for me. I have to find people who will overwrite what previous medical professionals have said so that I am able to access transitional care that I may need. And I have some disability issues that also affect exactly what kind of transitional care that I am able to receive. 

I have a kind of a few comorbid ones. The biggest one is that I am autistic and with that means I have sensory issues. I have difficulty reading social cues and communicating in general but I also struggle with alexithymia, which makes figuring myself out and communicating that to the world very difficult paths. I also have some physical issues specifically with my skeleton. I have some skeletal issues. My bones don't like to stay in the right place. Specifically my hips and I have some issues with my skull that make it hard for, first of all everything to stay connected the way it's supposed to, but also for things like oxygen and blood circulation to get wherever they're supposed to be. 

One of the biggest issues that I've struggled with is my hypersensitivities. I am hypersensitive to pain and that means that certain medical treatments are not as accessible to me as they would be for other people such as injections, needles; I cannot do those at all. So I rely on alternatives to those that are often a lot more expensive and harder to get a hold of. 

Buckle up, there's a lot coming. Those 10 years are going to be rough as hell and you're going to lose a lot and you're going to have to fight in order to keep a lot but you're also going to gain the most precious things in the entire world to you and that's going to be worth every single thing in the world. 

I would remind myself. How much and how hard we have fought for everything in our life, even if people don't think we have, we have fought and we have fought hard and long for everything in our life. And don't forget that. Don't forget that other people are still fighting and don't forget to be kind to those people as much as you can, still being healthy to yourself, but also just celebrate. Celebrate your life how far you've come. Celebrate all the victories in your life. 

Well what kind of guides me in life is; one, the people that I love and that I am closest to who offer me support and love and care and just happiness, fun. Those people mean the world to me, but also just, the world is imperfect and it will never be perfect. Perfect is a myth. It's unattainable by anybody and a lot of people forget that, and forget that perfection is non-existent and it never will exist but that doesn't mean that everything is bad or that life isn't worth living or things like that. 

Some of the most beautiful things in the entire universe are beautiful because of their imperfection. And it's worth it just to see what those are and what life brings. 

People can help by listening when people talk about this stuff. Don't shy away from it, even if it's uncomfortable, even if it doesn't make sense to you. Just listen and take people seriously and respect them above all else. If you cannot offer anything, offer respect as a bare minimum. 

Make sure that you are learning as much as you can about the issues that people like myself and people in the trans community and other minority communities face. Learn about those issues and fight for us. Even if you don't belong to a minority group yourself, fight for us. We are vulnerable and we need the support. People all over the world are suffering and struggling because people don't understand and don't take the time to understand properly. There's a lot of lies and misinformation out there of this kind of thing and a lot of people are just trying to make other people angry and scared and afraid but we are not scary we just want to live.

Don't be afraid of weirdness, don't be afraid of things out of the ordinary, embrace the uniqueness of the world around you and all that it offers you in return, embrace it and learn about it curiosity is one of humanity's greatest strengths. 

You don't have to be scared of what that might bring and what that might reveal.

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Meet Cary (They/Them)

What follows is a transcript from Cary's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/FwqMMRQx2-8

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Hi there, my name is Cary and I'm part of the Trans Canada project, but I am also Trans. 

Kelly and I are asking people across the country to tell their stories to let us find out more about them and so it's not really fair to ask all of them to tell their stories if we're not prepared to tell our stories as well. So this is a real challenge for me just like it is for everybody else who's going to participate in the Trans Canada Project but here we go! 

I'm 55 years old. I live in Elmira Ontario, which is just a little town in Ontario, and I honestly do not even know if there's any other trans people in the town here. There probably are but we haven't met yet. Hopefully, we'll meet someday and get to share each other's stories together in person.

I identify as non-binary trans and that's confusing for some people because they don't understand the non-binary part. People still can understand the whole being binary trans going one direction or the other all the way but this kind of floating in the middle is difficult for people to understand. But for me personally it was a huge relief and a real explanation to me to help me understand myself. When I understood that I didn't have to be completely one side or the other, that that I could be somewhere on the spectrum; somewhere in between.

It's been a long journey for me, I mean I'm 55 years old so obviously it's going to be a long journey. A lot of my life I struggled with dressing in women's clothes and I'm kind of ashamed to say that I hid a lot of stuff and I kind of snuck around about it and it really didn't feel very good to be doing that and it's still hard for me because a lot of my family doesn't accept the way I am and they will tell me so and some of them, when I try to explain it to them. they just shut down. They won't even listen and that's hard too because, you know, everybody feels like they can dump on me and tell me that it's wrong with being trans, but they don't like to hear me explain how it's okay, how it's even “right” what a wonderful thing it is too sometimes. 

I mean I feel like I have learned so much by being trans. Once I started to accept myself, I started to learn to love better, to let go of all the crap that I was carrying with me and I still have some of those things still in there - it's grown in me and it's hard to get rid of some of those things, but I feel like I'm in a much better place now. I'm not hiding things. I can actually live an authentic life and I can work on those things much better. 

Probably the thing that drives me the most is my faith. My faith in God. Lots of people define that differently but growing up in a Christian church I certainly have not thrown out all of the principles or the things that I learned through the Christian church. The moral foundation that it laid was good and I can still say that even though I struggle with some of the beliefs of some Christian people, I have a very strong faith and a few years ago I felt God telling me that, you know what, this is okay Cary. I'm okay with it. And it took me a long time to process that and get around that but eventually I started to accept that in myself and I was able to give myself some grace about it, feel better about it, and I learned a lot of things about love.

I got connected with communities that loved me even though I was trans and even some Christian communities, which was a surprise even to me because, you know, I didn't expect to find Christian communities that would be accepting of people who are trans and gay.

When I struggled with this, with being trans, I wrestled with it so much with god. I would pray so hard. I was so challenged by it and it was just really hard, but I find it interesting that since I’ve accepted it, since I’ve felt God's acceptance in it, that I feel the burden lifted. I feel lighter, you know? There are things in the bible that talk about the joy that comes in just trusting in God; in leaving things to him, and I really feel that.

You can say what you want about scripture verses that are interpreted a certain way, you know? You can argue all those things and I - let me tell you I can argue a lot of them right along with you but I cannot deny the experience of God in my life, and that's what guides me.

There's a lot of people who say they're Christian and are struggling with being gay or being bi or trans or whatever. I want to tell you that God loves you and that it's okay.

The greatest challenge for me has been just my family. I've found great support from a number of communities. I've found great support even from the community around me in general. I've been out, literally dressed, I mean when you're trans it's very visible to people, and you know, I'm sure people tag me as male and often a male in a dress or a skirt and that does still bother people sometimes. But it's been very good. I mean a lot of people are being very good about it, even if it does bother them. I have been accepted and it's been good.

But the greatest challenge for me has definitely been my family. I know they care about me and they want what's best for me and that when they tell me things it's coming from a good place. But honestly, when I challenge them, you know, what is really wrong with it? Why are you concerned? What are the things that … why do you see it as a problem? It's really hard for them to give me an answer and I know, I know that's because there really isn't an answer to that I mean I lived on the other side of that fence. I was one of those people who did that and I know that there is really no reason why this is wrong or bad. But it's very hard when you've been told that all your life, to believe that, and so my family is kind of still stuck in that place and I don't hold anything against them for that because I know what that's like. 

Yeah, coming out has made things easier for me in a lot of ways because I feel more authentic within myself. I feel the shame of it that I had is gone and the burden of carrying that around and feeling like I'm hiding part of myself all the time, constantly trying to hide it, it's gone! There's still the challenge of being out as in, you know, visibly wearing this, and I don't mean the clothes, I mean like just visibly wearing the fact that I'm trans. Because being trans is very visible and people can easily see it. There's the challenge of doing that but being able to take all of that weight and the shame that was part of that and just letting it go has been such a huge blessing to me. And it really has brought a lot of joy to my heart and I find myself smiling more, laughing more than I have in a long time, and just in that way generally happy, even though there's other parts of my life where there are still challenges and things to be worked through and figured out.

I'm still in the process of this transition, and it's hard to say exactly where it will go. I mean who really knows what the future is going to be like? What it's going to hold? Who really knows how things are going to turn out? But I'm feeling good about the direction of this even though there are huge challenges ahead. 

I listen to what other people say around me, other trans people, and I hear their stories. There can be a lot of hurt, and life can be difficult in some ways, but you know life has challenges no matter what you do. There are things that you have to face and you have to struggle with and you find your way through, and this is just one of those challenges it's just something that is and something I need to deal with and as I learn to deal with it and handle it it's much easier for me to have confidence in sharing it and just living it authentically with other people.

And I think (I hope) as I do that, and certainly with some of the experience that I've had, the more I do that, the more people see the authenticity of it, the more people learn that they can accept it too. And I think when people start to accept it they learn as well. They learn to be better friends. They learn to let go some of the things they thought were so important because they've been taught a certain way, and just grab a hold of something better; something bigger than what they've been taught. 

I’m a morning person and I get out of bed pretty early, and I don't sleep a lot of hours but what gets me out of bed in the morning honestly? I don't know, just the idea of a fresh new day and “what will it hold” and the adventure of it all and just getting out there. This certainly is a grand adventure. My future could look like all kinds of things.

I suppose I'm coming out more and more - I mean just the very fact that I'm putting this video together is a huge step of coming out. And that can be really scary because I don't know how people will react. I don't know what other people will do and I have no control over that of course and even now I think it would be easier just to hide. Even if I just completed a transition, it would be a lot easier just to hide as a woman, perhaps, but doing that would be still hiding right? And I think I really want to live authentically. I really want to live the way I am and the way -- the way god made me. 

If I could talk to myself 10 years ago, I don't know, I mean I would probably try and convince myself that I was okay first of all. I would probably try to tell myself that, you know, that this is fine, and you will be fine. But honestly, you know, 10 - 20 - 30 years ago things were not the same in the world it was a lot harder I think to come out. A lot harder to live this authentically. There were a lot more people that were very much against it and it was very much less understood than it is now. I think this is a much better time to be coming out. Honestly, I guess that makes me chicken, but that's okay too. 

If I could remind myself of something in 10 years from now? Of course I don't know what I'll be like in 10 years, or where I'll be or what the world will be like in 10 years. But if I could remind myself of one thing in 10 years I think it would probably be the joy that I felt in just coming out and being able to just experience this and live authentically and just enjoy and appreciate the things that are around me. Because, you know, as life goes on you start to get used to things and some things get easier but I think things also, you know, they become normalized and you start to lose a little bit of that joy in it. So I think it would just be to remind myself of how good this feels right now.

My biggest dream for the future would just be that people would love each other and just see each other as people. It doesn't matter what color, what race, what religion, what ethnicity, what gender, what sex; we're all people. We're all struggling. We're all working towards having a good life and most of us at least are working towards helping others to have a good life. My dream would be that everybody would do that. I mean, world peace and happiness right? 

If I could tell people watching one thing, that thing would probably be; be yourself. Just you do you, I mean. 

People worry sometimes that you're doing you would mean that you're gonna do crazy, stupid stuff and maybe some people would. We have to be careful of that too. But, you know, what if you live in joy and happiness and love for others and love for yourself? Then I think you're going to be on the right track; just do you. Enjoy who you are. Share that with everybody else because the diversity that we have is all part of the blessing of life, and just, please share that with everyone else. 

So, I appreciate the time that I've had here to be able to share my story with you, and I hope you're enjoying all of the other stories in the Trans Canada Project. If you have a story to tell we would love to hear from you; please contact us through our website www.transcanadaproject.ca. if you know somebody who you think has an amazing story, please have them contact us we'd love to talk to them. We want to let people know that Trans people are just regular people, and some of them even extraordinary people, who have fantastic stories to tell, and we want to share those stories with other people. Of course, we can't do all of this without your support, and I would just ask that you consider supporting us either by sending us a donation or by supporting us regularly through our Patreon. Thank you very much. Don't forget to like and subscribe below to see lots more videos about people's stories.

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Meet Kelly (she/her)

What follows is a transcript from Kelly's video, which you can watch here: https://youtu.be/yqWPlKvYnEs

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Hi, I’m Kelly. 

I’m part of the Trans Canada project, and this is my story.

I’m not the kind of girl that wants to be on the shiny side of the camera.

I was born prince albert Saskatchewan way out west, and north, and a while ago. Not telling how long ago; it's a girl's secret!

I’ve kind of known that I was not really a boy since I was about four or five. I didn't have the vocabulary to describe it. I had no idea what it was I just felt wrong. I didn't feel like I fit in.

I’m not really sure how to describe it. It wasn't until puberty that I really noticed I was developing in a way that really wasn't what I was expecting and I kind of expected to grow up to be a girl and I didn't. And honestly, I was devastated. High school was a bit of a blur I kind of forgot and kind of dozed my way through high school. I could have done substantially better, but I was quite upset with my lot in life.

I had a great childhood, great parents, a brother who still adores me, and loves me, and counts me as his sister now, which is absolutely precious to me. He's a wonderful human being, and my parents are actually coming around. I didn't go through a really hyper masculine phase like some people do but I did find a girl that I connected with really well, and we got married and we had six children (one at a time) and I loved being a parent. I really, really wanted to be the mom. I really wanted to carry those kids inside me, and I was jealous of my wife and a little jealous of the daughters that we had.

Again, for the longest time I wished I was a girl, prayed that I was gonna be a girl, went to bed crying and praying that I would be you know instantly a girl, the next morning everything would be fixed. I was miserable but I didn't have a bad childhood and I didn't have a bad life. I had a decent career. I had a great family, had a great wife. I had great parents. Like I said, my brother was awesome. My in-laws were great. I had some really good friends that I made at church and at work that have stuck with me to this day, a long, long time later, but I had this horrible secret in the back of my head and it eventually started gnawing away in a way that made it more and more difficult over time to function. It was stealing bandwidth. It was stealing space, processing power, time. It was consuming more time, until I got so consumed with it and so upset with it that I really lost track of everything else in reality and I wasn't a good parent. I wasn't present. I was so consumed by this I ultimately tried to commit suicide. It scared me. It kind of woke me up.

This was 2008, and I sought help.

I went to my doctor and told him that I was suicidal, and he prescribed anti-depressants and we talked to a psychiatrist. I started talking about getting involved with a counselor of some sort to talk about it, but I never told anybody I was trans.

After doing some research on the internet I discovered that there was such a thing as transgender and it blew me away, because that was me. I didn't know what it was before. I had no language for it. I just knew that I should have been a girl. I didn't know there was such a thing as transgender and there was a way out, but it didn't feel like there was a way out for me.

I eventually went to see a specialist, a gender therapist, and we talked for months and they concluded yes, I am indeed transgender. I do indeed suffer from gender dysphoria and there was actually a way of treating it in a way that would be positive for me in the future, with hormones. I suppressed that for a number of years and the depression got worse not better. I tried various different types of therapy, but I never told any of the medical professionals in my life that I was transgender. I didn't think it was possible for me to come out, for me to transition.

There are stories of all kinds of transgender women living wonderful lives and having come out and having achieved what I never thought was possible for me. I eventually, after a lot of soul searching and a couple of other brushes with suicidal thoughts, came out to my mother, who hugged me and said welcome to womanhood. And yet I was still not going to do anything about it. I told her that I came out to my wife and she said that explained so much. I’m glad you told me. And I promised her that I wouldn't do anything, and we stayed married three years after that.

Our marriage wasn't doing particularly well at that point and a lot of it had to do with my depression and my inability to function well as a parent and as a marriage partner. My transness was consuming so much of my mental bandwidth. There wasn't enough left over for all the other things I had to do as a parent and as a marriage partner, as a friend, as a sibling, as a child of my parents. I let a lot of people down, including myself.

I finally told my doctor that I was transgender, and he said thank you for trusting me with that. I still wasn't going to do anything about it. I talked to my endocrinologist about it, who had discovered my cancer and helped me get past my thyroid cancer, and she basically said no, I will not prescribe hormones for you, I don't treat people like you. I was devastated. I actually wasn't even asking for hormones. I just wanted to tell her that I was transgender.

It wasn't until my wife and I separated and I moved in with my parents that I really got serious help with a psychologist, and got into some intense therapy to deal with the depression and my psychology with my psychiatrist dealing with the medication and me being away from the toxic environment at home and my kids being away from me who was being toxic at the time as well.

I was able to start healing I wouldn't have been able to do that at home. My wife started healing as well, from the relationship that we had that wasn't good for us. I lived with my parents for two years and I finally told my parents that I was trans and that I wanted to do something about it, which is different from what I said four or five years before when I talked to my mom the first time. I finally found the courage to talk to my psychologist about being trans and then finding a transgender therapist that I could talk to about gender-specific items, things, and found a doctor that was specializing in transgender patients and hormone therapy and an endocrinologist that actually supported that.

Ultimately in December of 2020 I moved to my own apartment back here, near my kids and my wife. My wife and I got legally separated. We dealt with that and very shortly after, within a week or so of moving into my own place, I transitioned fully, full time. I ripped the band-aid off. There was no reason to wait. There was no reason to hold back. I was absolutely desperate to be myself. I was holding back, and holding back, and it was painful, and it was destructive, and I finally had the courage and the opportunity to do it, and when I came out to my brother, he basically said okay so you're my sister.

I told my wife that I was going to transition, and she was actually supportive. I told my kids and they said “okay”. So I told a number of friends that were quite supportive and I told my clients and one of them basically said “I don't really care what you wear. I just hire you to solve problems”. So I was in a position where I could transition and I did and I did aggressively and completely and after being on anti-antidepressants for so many years, and they helped regulate my mood; they helped soften the roller coaster - emotional rollercoaster I was on.

The anti-androgens really calmed me down. They so totally got rid of - the only way I could describe it is a kind of an angry little buzz in the back of my head that I never knew was there until it was gone - and the blessed peace that came from that! Oh, I do not miss testosterone at all! The estrogen took a little longer to do stuff.

I live almost daily in a state of joy. I don't remember ever being joyful before. Happy, certainly. Content, absolutely. And you know … but actual joy? I didn't know that was possible! I didn't know that was a thing, and to feel so completely myself for the first time in my life, I didn't know that was possible. I didn't know that was a thing. I didn't know I could have that. I hated what I looked like. I couldn't stand looking in the mirror my entire life. I didn't take care of my appearance. I didn't look in the mirror. I did not want to have anything to do myself with myself.

I didn't really know why. I never really was able to put my finger on it. I didn't have the vocabulary to describe it until I found out that I was trans, and even then, I was just unhappy with who I turned out to be. Now I wake up in the morning, my hair is all frizzled, I have no makeup on, and I look like crap, and I go look in the mirror, and I smile! It makes me happy. I never had that before my entire life.

I get up early in the morning now. My brother said, “I’m more surprised that you get up in the morning early than I am that you're a girl”. I used to stay up till three four o'clock in the morning and then sleep until two in the afternoon I was completely useless around the house. I was losing business. I was losing friends. I was losing my family. I was so depressed I couldn't function. Now I get up early in the morning, put on some music, dance, and then communicate with a bunch of people - network with a bunch of people. I was such an introvert before. Now I’m joining women's groups and networking with people for business and for pleasure, just to meet people. Just to be part of something. I’m happy with myself. I’m actually happy, and I can say that and it's true. I’m content with myself and I find joy in life. Not many people get to say that.

And I’m lucky that I survived my depression long enough to be able to get here. I have a future. I actually have a future now.

I wish I’d done it earlier. But I didn't. But I’m so glad that I transitioned, because for me the alternative… the alternative was not being around at all.

This is so much better.

This is my life. This is my story.

And I smile now. I’m happy with myself. I’m happy with my friends. I’m happy with my family. I’m happy with me.

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